End piece
For science
Jeffrey Bernard
Drinkers everywhere must have been interested to have read about the strange case of Mr Russell Kerr, Labour MP for Hounslow, whose drink and driving case was dropped by Scotland Yard after police scientists discovered that his own body manufactured alcohol. I must say I was a touch envious of such a unique talent when my bloodshot eyes first scanned the story, but on reflection, it occurs to me that Mr Kerr is missing quite a lot. It is, after all, the preliminary ritual from 'Set 'em up Joe' on through the lack of confidence barrier and to the cerebral certainty that all men are born equal except for you that's the pleasure of drinking in good company. But just to arrive suddenly at intoxication without having.played a lead in that three act play must be like being dumped in a lunatic asylum from scratch and without having experienced the joys of galloping irresponsibility. Just being drunk isn't very comfortable. As I say, the idea of suddenly turning to someone and saying, `Lishten, I haven't had a wop for dreeks and ish you don't believe me, take a look at the micro-organ ishms in my urine,' without having been near a pub for weeks, must be more than a little alarming.
Hot on the heels of the Russell Kerr item came the news that the Canadian Government has given the Cranfield Institute of Technology, Beds, £10,000 to investigate drunken driving. Some of this money is being spent by paying people £5 a time to drink and drive. It appears that after a stiff vodka and orange —I would guess their idea of stiff to be positively flaccid — they are put behind the wheel of a car and told to perform a series of tests. If they drive well they can earn another £5. As yet, I haven't been able to find out just what sort of tests are involved, but I'll wager a Bollinger to a Bass that the tests have little connection with the practical reality of every day and night drinking.
Situations like the emergency stop and driving in a straight line are probably what they concentrate on, but are they aware that a post-party drunken driving game like 'recriminations' is what they should be concerned about? I suggest that those of us without Mr Kerr's creative abilities should be topped up with whatever they want, placed in a car next to a member of the opposite sex or whatever predilection theirs may be and then told to drive home with their boffin passengers in the rear. This would be a little nearer the ultimate test. Well, you try. Try driving when you're mate starts off with, `Let's face it, you've never really loved me, have you?' Don't be silly.' 'No come on, out with it. You may as well tell me now. I mean did you ever really love me?' Of course. Don't be silly. I love you now.'
At this point you are approaching a roundabout at something like seventy miles an hour and have to change down, turn and then get away. But you can't get away. 'Since we're on the subject, just why did you marry me in the first place?' Hang on a minute, darling. I can't drive if you sprawl all over the gear stick.' Don't change the bloody subject. I asked you why you married me in the first place.' Look,' you say, avoiding a container lorry by two inches, 'I married you because —look I've told you. . . 'You didn't look at me once this evening. Do you know that? Not once.' It is just here that one of the scientists sitting in the back taps you on the shoulder and says, 'Right.
That was very good. Now what we'd like you to do is stop at the next lay-by, have another drink and then we'll drive along a B road and I'd like to hear you try and make it up with each other.'
£5 makes it seem hardly worthwhile, does it?! wonder if the money wouldn't be better spent finding out just what it is that makes Mr Russell Kerr tick or sick as the case may be.
Failing that, they might be better employed trying to find out how people manufacture their own joy. That's what really intrigues me about drinking, or, should I say not drinking, Don't you think
there's something deeply suspicious about a person who can be cheerful and not drink?! don't think I could trust such a man and I wouldn't go into Hounslow with Mr Kerr never mind the jungle.
Come to think of it, could you trust anyone as daft and naive as a scientist? To cap it all the Cranfield Institute claim they've found more than four hundred people willing to drink in the cause of science! So that's why they do it.
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