A fool and his money

Very expensive • advertising

Bernard Hollowood

Sport in Britain is financially dependent upon advertising to an increasing extent, and one after another the big advertisers, bedevilled by falling profits and problems of liquidity, are making agonising reappraisals of their sponsorship budgets.

The Rockard (brand) Cement Co (1927) Ltd recently held an extraordinary meeting of directors, heads of departments and advertising agents at which past and present policy was analysed and a programme for the future hammered out. The minutes of the meeting have been made available to me and in the public interest I offer the following extracts.

Mr D. R. Oglethatch (chairman): It's fairly obvious that we can no longer support the Rovers. As you know we've had placards behind each goal for the past five years in the expectation that they'd get a decent showing in The Big Match and Match of the Day, but although Rovers have appeared quite regularly in these programmes there has been so little goalmouth incident that our ads are very seldom on the screen.

Naturally, we've spoken to the Rovers about it, but their manager, Bert Phurphy, isn't very cooperative. He plays a 5-2-3-formation which concentrates play in the middle of the park and results in an appalling goal famine.

Lord Broyle (director): Why can't we shift our boards to the half-way line or thereabouts?

Mr Oglethatch: Because those positions are already occupied and booked up for years ahead. What's so galling is that one of our chief competitors 'Archcem' has a site that's nearly always in vision. I propose that we pull out and save the money.

Mr Adolph Crewe (advertising manager): Don't let's drop soccer altogether. We may have been slow in realising opportunities on the Continent, in the European Cup, Cup Winners' Cup, etc, but problems of transport have now been overcome, thanks to Lord Broyle and his private helicopter, and we should be able to book one-night stands for our 'Rockard Stays Put' placard in Amsterdam, Frankfurt, Barcelona or wherever.

Mr Henry Chemist (director): I hope we're not going to withdraw our support from the county cricket club. I am on its committee, you know. Of course the county championship is as dead as mutton, but the club may do well in the Gillette Cup, the Benson and Hedges and the Sunday league, in which case our placards would get a lot of vision time.

Mr Crewe: Only if they're drawn at home in the cup competitions. Cricket's too speculative. The cameras focus on the wicket and stray to the boundary ads only if there's a big hit or a bomb scare. If we've any money to spare I'd vote for hot air ballooning. 'Rockard' on a balloon would be seen by millions.

Mr Oglethatch: Gentlemen, gentlemen! We mustn't be influenced by our own hobbies. Last .year, if you remember, we made a great mistake when we erected a huge sign opposite Mortlake Brewery — chiefly, I think you'll agree, because Lord Broyles son was stroking the Cambridge crew. By the time Oxford were at the Brewery Cambridge were miles behind and the BBC cameras ignored our placard completely.

Mr Chemist: What are the possibilities of latching on to the huge popularity of Pot Black? Would the BBC agree to our supplying a special cloth for the billiard-table with the word 'Rockard' in large light-green letters? I mean, for a sum of, say, £10,000? Alternatively, we might persuade Ray Reardon, Spencer and Co to have 'Rockard' emblazoned on the back of their waistcoats.

Mr Oglethatch: Not a hope! The billiards people wouldn't even allow us to put an R on the spot ball instead of the usual spot. We wasted money on Rugby League when we persuaded Cokehampton to wear a Rockard badge on their jerseys because we forget that their ground is a mud patch. The badges were obliterated after five minutes' play. We tried show-jumping, but the RSPCA stepped in when we proposed the branding of horses' rumps, and our Rockard lettering across girls' swimsuits invited ridicule and got it. No, gentlemen, this time we must accept the advice of experts, and I've taken the liberty of asking Mr Preen of Sportvert Agency to join us. Mr Preen, perhaps you'd care to comment?

Mr Preen: One idea is to sell sun-glasses at all sporting functions during the summer. The glasses are specially made and have the word 'Rockard,' infinitesimally small, engraved on the smoked lenses. People wearing them see the word `Rockard' wherever they look and are of course unaware of its source. Experiments have proved very successful. We should need a battery of salesmen at Wimbledon, Henley, Ascot and so on, but they'd earn their wages.

Another idea is to get Muhammad Ali to wear shorts with 'Rockard' across the waist. Psychologically it would be perfect because the guy's guts really are like concrete. We've sounded him out and unfortunately he wants $15 million, but I dare say we could beat him down to about £5,000.

Mr Preen: The cost would be prohibitive.

Lord Broyle: As you all know our workers are somewhat cynical about our sponsorship of sport, chiefly because we don't even run a works football or cricket team. Now suppose we organised a Rockard Cement FC, recruited star players from the First Division and entered the side for the FA Cup. They'd do well, walk through the preliminary rounds and then be matched with some team like Arsenal, Stoke City or Leeds United. Think of the excitement that would cause!

Mr Oglethatch: And think of the money it would cost! Eleven players at £200,000 apiece Mr O'Casey: I propose that we give up all ideas of sponsoring. We've paid no dividend for two years and shareholders are getting restive. We could, I estimate, pay a divident of %p on our ordinary shares if we cut all expenditure on water polo, the Rockard Handicap, county cricket, sponsored walks, see-through squash and chess, and our contribution to Conservative party funds.

The proposition was seconded and carried by a vote of eight to three.