THE ETHICS OF FLIRTATION.
THE game of " cross-questions and crooked answers" is one that newspapers generally reserve for the dull season, and it is difficult to guess at the motives of a daily contemporary which invites its readers to play it at this time of year. No doubt the Daily News finds but little satisfaction in the discussion of political questions just now; but if it were really desirous to distract the attention of its public, we would do it the justice to suppose that it might have invented a more interesting and less futile conundrum than that which it has propounded. "Is flirting on the increase? " But what is flirting ? The word is capable of more than one definition ; though, however one defines it, it would seem equally impos- sible to say whether it was on the increase or not. Evidently the correspondents who have hastened to give their opinion are as little unanimous in their understanding of the phrase, as they are in their answers to the question. Some regard it as a harmless pastime that may possibly lead to love and marriage; others as a name for the most cruel fraud that one sex can perpetrate upon the other; and this initial divergence of opinion has led to a singular crookedness in most of their answers. Our contemporary should have asked for a definition of the word "flirt," and it would have been probably rewarded by a much more amusing discussion. There are so many readings of the word. In some people's dictionaries "flirt" stands as a noun of two genders; the female ffirt is a charming young woman who exercises the prerogative of her sex in seeking to subjugate the heart of every man she meets, the male flirt is an odious man who wishes to usurp the prerogative of the female. Other dictionaries aver that the word has only one gender, and that feminine, but they generally differ as to whether its significance is good or bad ; and, curiously enough, they very often agree in attaching an evil meaning to the substantive when they differ as to the verb. " To flirt " is to indulge in a harmless amusement, to be " a flirt" is to be a very untrust- worthy and dangerous member of society. Others, again,— but what need is there to recount the whole list of differences ? Every man and every woman attaches his or her own meaning to the word, meanings which are generally based upon their own experiences. For our part, we are disposed to think that they are all of them right ; for, after a fashion, their various readings admit of a certain amount of reconciliation.
Let it first be granted that flirting, in itself, is not only a harmless, but often even a necessary practice,—the pre. liminary, in fact, to courtship and marriage. In England marriage is generally supposed to be a matter regulated by choice. Such choice can very rarely follow upon love at first sight; even when it does, it is not usual for the fortunate couple to rush into each others' arms and embrace with the exultant cry,—" You are my affinity !" As a rule, men and women choose their partners for life after a considerable amount of tentative experiment, and that experimental process may fairly be called flirting,—at any rate, there is no other English word to describe it. That is the necessary form of flirta- tion. Other forms there are, not necessary, but also harmless. There is such a thing as flirtation between people who have ab- solutely no intention or desire of falling in love and marrying, and who are both well aware of the fact; but they find that a little air of gallantry on the part of the man and coquetry— let us say—on that of the woman adds a zest to their friendship, and who shall blame them ? The same practice is indulged in by some people who are debarred by circumstances from love and marriage ; in their case it must be confessed that though the pastime may be harmless, it may also be dangerous, for actual barriers are apt to invite transgression. Now, how can any one say whether these three forms of flirting are on the increase or not ? There is only one possible answer to the question, and that is, they increase or decrease with the population. In flirting, however, the privileges of the two sexes are unequal. A woman has a fair claim to all the lovers sad admirers she can get. So it was always held in the days of chivalry, and so we should hold it to-day. Until it pleases. her to give one man the right of calling her his own, she may look upon all men as her servants, and distribute her favours as she pleases. If she likes to flirt with a dozen at the same time, there is no reason why she should not do so. She- does but exercise the immemorial privilege of her sex. Indeed, the greater her charms and the greater the number of those whom they attract, the more incumbent is the duty- laid upon her to please the many before she makes happy the one. The man who looks back with wrath and re- sentment upon a flirtation, because the woman who shared in it has married somebody else, must be a curmudgeon. in the matter of love and friendship. For what has he. lost ? Is he not rather the gainer by, at least, those favours- which she once showed him ? On the other hand, it was also- held in the days of chivalry—and is therefore our belief to-day —that a man may not offer his devotion to more than one- woman at a time, even though he be but one of many that follow in her train. It is in this essential difference between. the sexes that a good deal of misunderstanding with regard. to flirtation arises. A woman may flirt with as many men as- she pleases ; a man may only flirt with one woman. The man who fails to see the justice of this arrangement must either be- very unintelligent, or quite incapable of appreciating the- elementary idea of chivalry. It is not without reason that- womankind has been nicknamed the " weaker sex ; " as it iss this poor privilege of theirs is very far from compensating: them for their other obvious disabilities. Thus we arrive at one of the causes of the evil signification attached to the word.. Presumably, the male flirt is the man who breaks this law, and inspires more than one woman at a time with a belief in his- single-hearted devotion. But it is a mistake to argue from this. that the woman who encourages many admirers should be- called a flirt in any wicked sense. She only flirts reprehensibly when she transgresses the code of honour which she appear to have made for herself. To judge from the writings of such• authorities as lady novelists, that code is a good deal less; simple and more strict than the one which applies to man- kind. It seems to be dishonourable for a woman to flirt. with another's admirer; she must recognise the rights of" property, and not seek to attract that property to herself. These are rights which, it need hardly be said, are absolutely disregarded by man. The other nice distinctions by which she regulates her conduct are all of too subtle a nature to admit of explanation. It is sufficient to say that women, among themselves, are by no means lax in their ideas as. to what is justifiable or unjustifiable in the matter of flirting, and that the epithet "a flirt," when applied to them by their- own sex, is one that they do not support with equanimity. Broadly speaking, then, it may be said that a than is a flirt- • when he flirts with more than one woman at a time to their possible detriment; and a woman is a flirt when her flirta- tions are detrimental to some one of her own sex. Whence- it will be seen that though one woman has a right to calk another woman a flirt, no man can possibly have the right to- level the accusation against a woman. Ethel Newsome and Beatrice Esmond were flirts—no doubt sinning very often against their fellow-women—but neither Clive nor Henry Esmond, nor any other man had the right to reproach them. As to the onlookers at the game, the idle spectators, who- watch the play of others, and call them " flirts," their opinion. can concern no one but themselves.
Still, we are as far as ever from having arrived at an accurate definition of flirting in its more general sense. Let a man flirt and he may find out what it means for himself ; it is one of those things that can only be realised by experience.. It is not exactly playing at love, nor is it playing without love. It is often a certain point which is reached in the course• of love; but where it begins and where it ends it is impossible• to say. Were one to mark out the different degrees of court- ship, they might run thus. Introduction, interest on one side, interest on both sides, flirtation, love on one side, love on both sides, and so on. Sometimes flirtation comes earlier in the list,. sometimes it comes later. Sometimes, usually perhaps, it leads. to nothing at all ; at other times it is only left off in order that the players may begin the more entrancing amusement of conjugating together the verb amo, auras, amamus. It is sad that a verb so regular in its grammar should be capable of so much irregularity in its practice. Flirting may be the most fascinating pursuit in the world, and it may also be the
stupidest or the most mischievous ; it is, in fact, exactly what those who engage in it make it. As a rule, it is a game which is best played without stakes on either side, for as soon as affection enters, it is apt to spoil ; it should only be played for love in the figurative sense. And we might follow this simile further, and say that it is a game at which it is possible to cheat,—for surely it is cheating for one player to induce the other to risk much upon the game by falsely pretending to have stakes himself.
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