COMPETITION

Speaking likeness

Torn Castro

In Competition No. 1592 you were in- vited to reveal what some famous painting would say if it could speak.

Not surprisingly, although many of the one-liners were funny, it was more difficult to sustain the right voice in longer entries. Nevertheless there was plenty of good stuff that almost made the final few.

John Sweetman had the invisible train driver of 'Rain, Steam and Speed' re- membering the inclement day Mr Turner chose to paint his locomotive — 'That 'igh 'at of 'is was all a mush.' Just as soggy, indeed, as the shoes which Gerard Benson and E. 0. Parrott describe as the recepta- cles for champagne, according to the bar- maid in Manet's painting of the Folies Bergere. Or, if it comes to that, of the little piece of quiche that Renoir's 'Woman Weeping' had dunked in her tears, or so Katie Mallett says.

Commiserations too, to Lettice Buxton, with her serious thoughts from the smiling Mona Lisa, John Doxat, George Moor, J. Hennigan, D. Shepherd, and P. I. Fell, who kindly sent me a photocopy of the Constable he had in mind. David Heaton cheekily succeeded in giving the thoughts of a fictional picture.

The long entries below win £18 each and the short ones £3 plus the glory. The bonus bottle of Cognac Otard VSOP, presented by the Château de Cognac, goes to Lene W. Bellgirl, who gave quite a new inter- pretation to a disturbing picture.

'The Scream' (Munch)

'Oh dear my hands are stuck to my head. Stuck! To my head! This is absolutely frightful, I have been standing on this bridge trying to SHUT OUT THE SOUND OF FOGHORNS for two hours and my hands have attached themselves to my ears. What? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. It must have been something I ate into the bargain, oh dear, oh dear, this buzzing in my ears is more ihan I can bear, I knew I should never have smoked those Oysters let alone EAT them, and WHEN IS CHARLIE TURNING UP, oh dear, catch your breath, my hands are stuck, STUCK, STUCK! Now I'll never play cribbage for the village, never peel an orange, never read a single shred of philosophy, paint a brilliant picture like this one, and worst of all, I can't hear myself

scream!' (Lene W. Bellgiri) 'The Anatomy Lesson of Dr Tulp' (Rembrandt) 'God, I feel terrible. Last thing I remember, I was in the Three Bottles in the Gravenstraat with Hendrik and a few of the others. Hell, what a wild crowd! I was legless on Rhenish before we even got there, and then we moved on to jenever and cherry brandy. Mixed. That's right, I remember: Hendrik bet me I couldn't down a gill in one, and I stood on the table, took a deep breath, and ... I must have gone out like a light. 'My head's throbbing like a foundry. And my

stomach feels as though someone's groping around inside it. I can hear voices in my ears, too. I hope I haven't got a dose of the DTs.

'They must have put me to bed somewhere. It feels damned hard, though. Am I still in the tavern?

'I think I'm going to have to pluck up some courage and open my eyes. Very, very slowly. One, two, three. ...'

(Noel Petty) 'My Last Duchess'

'That's the last time I'm painted on a wall, I tell you that; the fresco's not at all In good condition. So, you'd like a word To cap the villainies of which you've heard? I loved the Duke as husband once — when first, A Mantuan bride, I came to this accurs'd Ferrara, aged sixteen. But straight I found That I was less to him than that new hound Or this — much less than family or art; All's arrogance with him: there is no heart. And now he sets in train another marriage As one might order up a horse and carriage; For no consideration does he care,

But that he gets the Este house an heir — Not knowing that just at the last I smiled Because in truth I bore my murderer's child.' (David Heaton) 'Chinese Girl' (Paul Tretchikoff) 'You coulda knocked me down wiv a bleedin' fewer when I sees me pitcher in Boots's window. I'd almost forgotten about this bloke what comes up to me in the 100 Club an' says, I'd like to do you!" I nearly wet me knickers.

'Anyway he tells me he's an artist with a funny Russian name like "tetchy cough". But he talks good English with a sorta pansy accent. 'When he gets round to his studio he tells me to take all me clothes off. "For ten bob a bleedin' hour?" I says. So he makes it a quid an' gets this camera out. I didn't know where to put meself, honest.

'Anyway, I thinks, "In for a penny..." and I'm lookin' down to see there's no bra marks an' no fluff showin' and "flash" he takes me. Calls it me pensive mood.

'The rest is history — but 1 never reckoned on being stuck in a Oxfam shop!' (Dick Penderring) 'The Mona Lisa' (Leonardo da Vinci) "Older than the rocks on which she sits" — now what sort of gentleman would say that about a lady! They're metamorphic, ain't they?' (Vivian Vale) 'The Persistence of Memory' (Salvador Dali) 'Isn't it time to get up?' (Sam N. Bhutto) 'The Mona Lisa' 'But I am smiling.' (James Comyn) 'Vulcan Surprising Venus and Mars' (Tin- toretto)

Vulcan: 'Oh, really? And just how long have you been her gynaecologist?'

(D. B. Jenkinson) 'Death of Chatterton' (Wallace) 'That's another Spectator comp. done — God, I'm knackered!'

(Roger Woddis)

'The Scream' (Munch) `Oh no — I forgot the potatoes!'

(D. A. Prince)