No. 1361: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for. a list of conditions for tolerable matri- mony laid down by both sexes, in the spirit of Mirabell and Millamant.

'You clean the cat's litter tray.' And you scrape out the marmalade pots.' Your duets often merely reproduced the simPle ding-dong of real life; not many entries rose above cat and dog level or recaptured the operatic subtleties of Congreve's pair. Andrew McEvoy struck the true Millamant note with: 'My abiding by these conditions is conditional upon my feeling conditioned by them.' Rosie White's bargainer wished to continue to be known by her maiden name, except when in arrears with the Book Club. The male protagonists struck some equally shrewd blows. Basil Ransome-Davies's insisted that the attic be reserved for a model train system, and. George Moor's that the ashes of her firs' husband should be removed from the, bedroom. Only three competitors seemed to me to be successful with a full set of items, and they get £10 each. The other winners, whose entries I have selectively cut, will have to be content with V. The bonus bottle of Vosne Romanee Beauxmonts 1980, presented by the Chelsea Arts club, goes to Peter Taylor. He: I'll have no flower-arranging, madam, no

symbolic clusters of dead twigs, nor yet your women's magazine cookery neither, of the sort that stuffs plovers' eggs into prunes, or i cooks eel with peaches and garlic because t comes out well in a photograph, no matter how vile the taste. Nor no snoring.

She: I snore? Nay, but that was one of MY provisos. He: We will share it. And I shall have my golf wclhuebnesvtiellr I still, and anevening at the tavern She: Odious taverns! Wretched clubs! Well, I

shall have my own car, and go to the hairdresser as oft as I will. But as to the cookery, the kitchen, the washing-up and all domestic chores, these shall be thought of as ours, not mine alone. And I shall have my own bank account, having constant access ;‘) yours, which shall also be mine.

et Taylor) r) He: You are to recognise that my (Peter li knowledge rises above mere mechanical kitchen skills. P c She: And you must learn to say, 'Had a good day at the office?' in entirely neutral tones.

He: I require freedom to buy my clothes in decent privacy, without advice beforehand or mockery afterwards. She: You will, however, refrain from carrying a handbag until a two-thirds majority of the male population does likewise. He: I must be allowed my light repartee with the television set. She: But on reaching for the pickled walnuts, you are to avoid saying, 'Mony a pickle maks a puckle.' Ile: You must resist conversion to any religion requiring inconvenient diet, dress or sexual practices. She: You must disengage from all forms of sport until old enough to perform with modest incompetence. lie: You will be as much like my mother as possible. She: You will be as little like my father as possible. (Noel Petty) Millamant: It is so disagreeable to talk about money; too boring to bother about bills. Agreed?

Other gentlemen will admire my divine attributes. Insofar as it becomes me, I shall dally. Be patient with my peccadilloes. Assuredly you will be called to your account before I am, my love. My future without you must be assured.

I fear matrimony may make me a martyr to headaches. Do not offer comfort; you must suffer in silence.

Lastly, I believe that offspring are such an encumbrance that it would be folly to let procreation thwart our peaceful aspirations.

Mirabell: So be it.

Do not put me down when we are in Company.

I am a slave to food and wine; ensure that I have no cause for complaint. Prying is odious; let us have secrets between us.

Laugh immoderately at my sparks of wit. Look after your delicious teeth, my love, and we shall be tolerably content.

( N. E. Soret) She: Let us have your friends, my friends and our friends.

Don't pretend to be happy when I go out alone and be cross and bad-tempered when I come back.

You will not sulk if I don't invite you to the office party.

You will not make social commitments for us both without asking me first. If I sew on my buttons, don't expect me always to take down the rubbish.

If I phone you when I'm away from home, don't ask 'Where are you?' (Jill Coates) He: Your children are not to be overtly prefer- red to mine.

The car must be reversed into the garage.

If you do think of England you should refrain from reciting the (old) counties in alphabetical order.

She: You are not a qualified instructor and must not comment on my driving. When washing ,up you must not ostenta- tiously polish the sink and the cooker as though they are not kept in a proper state.

No more than three separate gallons of home-made wine are to be fermenting at any one time.

(John Stanley) He: You must not buy me expensive presents I won't be able to afford.

On no account boil my handkerchiefs in the pressure-cooker or hang to dry in the fridge they're paper.

She: You must not speak when I am inter- rupting. Love me the way my first three husbands did. (John O'Byme) She: We are not to live so close to your mother that smoke signals could fetch her. When we're dining out, never tell the head-waiter it doesn't matter, even if it doesn't.

He: Let not desperation tempt you to use my best wood-chisel for opening a sardine tin.

Never ask me if I love you. That I am around will be proof enough. (Pascoe Polglaze)