No. 1357: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a child's report to the local authorities on the progress and behaviour of parents during the holidays.

Only one report was wholly uncritical: `Whenever I am released Mum and Dad go away on holiday — a definite plus since total frnedom is not possible with the management mucking about on the pre- mises.' It was the same type of boy who entered under Discipline: 'Lax. Mum and Dad need to revise this. Double bribery is no substitute for a clip round the earhole, even if I do get out a lot more'. Under General Remarks I liked the sad but stern `Must try harder. Travel in the Channel Islands is recommended before further visits to France' and the despairing 'Prob- ably can't do better'. Mothers, curiously, got lower marks than fathers on the whole. My heart bled for the one whose offspring put under Biology: 'Naive. Lacks interest' and under History: 'Her tendency to live in the past continues to cause concern.' Among the threats of punishment perhaps the most drastic were 'I may have to expel them both next year when I get my dole' and 'They will have to pull up their socks if they are to be asked to my wedding or looked after in old age.'

Prizes of £10 go to each of the five winners below, and the bonus bottle of Vosne Romande Les Beauxmonts 1980 is awarded to V. Ernest Cox, who is showing steady progress as a competitor.

DIY: Daddy shows great enthusiasm for this subject. Whenever Mummy wants a job done, Daddy always says, 'Do it yourself.'

Gardening: Lazy. No interest shown. Unless they grasp the nettle soon, they are likely to be overwhelmed.

Cooking: Erratic. Mummy's raw food fads are having a detrimental effect upon the whole family.

Golf: Daddy's attitude to this is puzzling. Despite getting his highest score ever, he still swore at everybody.

Drinking: Unsteady progress.

Holidays: More concentration required. Mum- my and Daddy forgot to pack their swimming costumes and had to lie on a Yugoslavian beach with nothing on. Daddy wasn't worried because a lot of other grown-ups had forgotten their costumes, but Mummy suffered from a disease called sore nipples.

PE: Very committed. Mummy and Daddy do press-ups together almost every night.

(V. Ernest Cox)

No progress at all this term — I mean, they haven't developed, got aware. Bookwise he's still reading James Bond, while she's on the zillionth Barbara Cartland. They think Kundera plays for Chelsea! Their computer literacy's nowhere — I left them my Acorn, dead simple, but they've only mastered Alien Invaders (suit- able age range 5-7). Generally they lack intellec tual curiosity, what this century's about — they don't relate, meditate, participate. Still very Dallas and Daily Mail, very wrinkly, very straight. The only joint she knows comes from the butchers! Socially (i.e. Sports Day) they're an embarrassment — his tweed suit, her pink cardigans, talking of fishing and holidays in Bournemouth, mortgage rates, BUPA. Now they're more relaxed on the nutrition scene: a few new experiences — kiwi fruit, muesli, green bananas, but would you believe bean sprouts with roast beef and gravy! One out of ten for effort, I suppose, but a zonking zero for

achievement. (D. A. Prince)

Maths: Daddy used to be good at this subject but these holidays he had to keep working late at the office to balance his books. Mummy is corn- .pletely hopeless, she kept boasting that she could put two and two together.

English: Mummy learned a lot of new words such as 'custardy', 'alimoney' and `basterd' and she even tried to improve her writing by communicating with Daddy only on little pieces of paper for three whole weeks. English isn't Daddy's strong suit. He kept saying 'What can I say?' and 'I don't know what to say'.

French: Daddy is very keen, he went off unexpectedly for a weekend in Paris to brush up his pronunciation and brought us back loads of hotel writing paper as a souvenir. He tried to practise with Mummy by saying 'Pas devant les enfants' a lot, but Mummy didn't seem to want

to understand. (Peter Norman) Both parents have made steady progress this holiday and are commended for finally abandon- ing those fraught camping trips to Wales.

They are, however, too easily bored by horror videos, pop concerts, amusement arcades and similar cultural activities. My hints that there is something faintly incestuous in our turgid sex discussions have produced the desired results and the parents earn good marks for thus saving themselves painful embarrassment and me much concealed amusement. This is indeed a sign of maturity. Dad disastrously ignores my instruc- tions on birthday parties and persists in telling jokes to my friends.

Recent Example: In what position did Gener- al de Gaulle play at soccer?

Answer: De Gaulle-keeper.

It will take years to live that down.

Finally, Mum must make a real effort to improve her spelling. There were five mistakes in my last composition, which she was supposed

to correct. (Gerry Hamill)

Reading: Mother reads frivolous things rather than the classics. She reads the Sun inside a copy of the Guardian. She reads John Vincent. Father only looks at the pictures. His reading is not progressing.

Arithmetic: They both get their sums wrong because they have a calculator and they never

know when it's not working properly. So they argue over the housekeeping money and income tax fiddles.

Housekeeping: Mother is getting a little better at cooking fast foods and can now open tins, usually. Father's deceitful over the washing-up; when Mother isn't looking he never rinses anything. He also sweeps things under carpets. General: Father is very diligent —. he often works late at the office and says his secretary is a whizz at computing. Mother is becoming quite an expert on wine. I take the bottles to the bottle-bank before Father gets home so he won't