SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 51

Report by Hilary Brett-Smith

A prize of .£5 was offered for an excerpt from. Herr Baedeker's description of one of the following : Xanadu, Valhalla, Perfidious Albion, Avalon.

This was wonderful escapist reading: no browsing in the original handbooks could have taken me so far so fast, yet here was all the familiar pleasure of the exotic and the exact, seldom so nicely compounded since Defoe laid down his pen. Who would not use his travelling allowance (taken out in taels, ducats or moidores) to visit a Valhalla " whose inhabitants have long been noted for their immortality " (William Spafford), one " unrivalled for its sporting facilities ; favoured as a residence by retired military men and enjoying the patronage of H.M. King Odin and the Court. . . . Combats (open to residents) held daily. Treatment (gratis, evenings 7-9) may be procured in the Great Hall and has been found efficacious in such complaints as lopped-off limbs" (Janet K. B. Macpherson). There is something worth investigating, too, in Wilfrid Robinson's Albion where " the summer (wet) season is preferred by most travellers to the winter (wet) season." And what about Avalon, meteorologically unique, with "rainfall nil and flora prolific " (W. M. Mathieson)?

But Xanadu was far the most popular resort, and so consistent, on the whole, were the accounts that I could have drawn a plan incor- porating the main streets and hostelries as well as the adjacent pleasure-grounds. I particularly like Mary T. Rees' Hotel Morpheus (beds good); the Pension Coleridge, unpretending but clean (several entries) and R. J. Hirst's whole topography, including " the main street, Via Demonio Amante, the Ristorante Ragazza Abyssiniana (good but expensive); Hotels: Villa Kubla, de luxe (100 beds); and, less pretentious but well spoken of, Albergo Rocce Danzante (10 beds)." Anthony Mann made an impressive approach—" Ente4ng by *West Gate, with quaint remains of malefactors above " ; so did Timothy Smiley: " The country is entered by the route estab- lished in the past by traffickers in opium.. .. Return via Porlock." Recent explorations by Dr. Livingston (Lowes) received some atten- tion. Milk of Paradise was identified as anything from XXX to Imperial Tokay.

My only hope, with so much entertaining material, was to strike a fair balance between stylistic accuracy and surprise value. Sir i

G. Thomas and R. Kennard Davis, for instance, really came too near their original for good parody, though they read very well. Therefore I recommend a prize of £1 10s. each to the Reverend J. S. MacArthur, R. J. P. Hewison and the Reverend A. Whigham Price. Cinna nearly rang the bell and should have a consolation prize of 10s.

PRIZES

(THE REV. J. S. MACARTHUR)

XANADU

RotrE: See Pcking. Thence by time machine (twice daily), or magic carpet (service liable to interruption and not recommended to those subject to air-sickness).

HOTELS: Kubla Khan Palace. Cara%,inserai-Pension Abora.

The stately Pleasure Dome will attract the archaeologically-minded tourist. Others will be content with a visit to the celebrated Juggling Fountain and ice cave (warm wraps advisable) situated in its extensive grounds.

A pleasant excursion can be made to the justly-renowned Gorges of Alph (5 miles ; half-hourly bus service), but exploration of the vast caves (dimensions as yet unascertained) should not be undertaken without an experienced guide who can be chgaged at the official Xanatours Agency in the city. The picturesque figures who offer their services on the spot should be given a wide berth. At best they are unreliable and may prove to be members of the sinister Ancestral Voices organisation.

The gastronomically-adventurous will wish to sample the traditional Milk of Paradise. This delicacy resembles well-matured yoghourt with a strong flavour of garlic and aniseed that lingers long on the palate.

Visitors from Great Britain and Northern Ireland desiring to stock their wardrobes with the famous thick pants woven from the fleeces of pure-bred Cathay unicorns should bear in mind that on their return they will be charged heavy customs duty plus purchase tax on these articles.

(R. J. P. HEWISON)

PERFIDE ALBION

This country, a favourite of nineteenth-century continental politicians, is well known to modern Russians, though they, as customary, have changed the name. It offers great scope to the hardy traveller if approached with caution.

SITUATION: Europe is in easy reach, but it is never quite in reach of Europe, from which it is separated by a gulf of misunderstanding. The climate is dull, the atmosphere being inspissated with fogs of hypocrisy and the smoke associated with industrial wealth. Hence the prevalent complaints of phlegme Britannique, sang-froid, spleen and cant. INHABITANTS, LANGUAGE, ETC.: The inhabitants are mainly milords (usually crafty diplomats), jockeys, sportsmen, misses (often secret service agents) and 'London Policemen (may be addressed at any time). The language is particularly difficult since all have the deceptive habit of meaning what they say (though most are incapable of saying what they mean).

CUSTOMS: Barbarous and incomprehensible, as also cuisine, which consists of beefsteak, roastbeef, whiskysoda and porto (taken after meals!). INSTITUTIONS: All should visit the country's seat of power, the *Bank of England. Worthy of attention are the renowned 'Parliamentary Institutions, an imposing row of Gothic buildings bordering the Thames. The 'Civil Service is also noteworthy, being, with characteristic perfidy, almost eponymous and quite incorruptible.

(REV. A. WHIGHAM PRICE)

XANADU

ARRIVAL: Station des rives (Pl. A.5) used by all trains from Never- Never Land to Erewhon: a romantic edifice, built early 19C.

Horns (not altogether up-to-dale): Hotel Rotnantique (Rue Words- worth: Pl. B.7). R. 4-5, B. 14, dej. 31. Hotel Propos des Tables (Place Coleridge), terms as above.

CAFE-RESTAURANT: 'Les Ballades Lyriques (built 1798), where the traveller may hear the common speech of the people. Visitors should be on their guard against drinking the local wines (esp. "Lail du Paradis ") which are inclined to be heady, and may induce nightmares.

Xanadu (2,000 ft.) or in Freudian ld, lies on the R. Alph. A dull town, in spite of its romantic name and aspect, it is today practically uninhabited: but during the 19C. it was a favourite place of resort, especially with the English. Many visitors were formerly attracted by the "Pleasure-Dome (Pl. F.4: now renamed " Fundrome and Sportarium") which occupies ten square miles along the river bank, at the point where the Alph enters subterranean caves, the exact length and height of which have so far proved unascertainable by- scientists.

This quaint and notable set of buildings, whose construction local legend attributes to Kubla Khan (1216-1294), was in reality the work of a mad Englishman, S. T. Coleridge, who claimed fantastically to have erected them in a single night while in a state of coma (second decade of the 19C.). The *walls and 'towers (key from lodge: 1 fr.) are worth inspection, as is the earliest refrigeration plant in Europe, housed in a series of caves.