Keep It Mid-Atlantic

(Recorded on tape) By PAUL TABORI 151EN, Mr. Tabori, all we want is a gimmick L, so this nice, clean-cut American can work right at Scotland Yard.'

'Let me tell it, Elmer. You see, Tabori, what we want in television is something new. But not too new. We had soap-operas, horse-operas, tin- operas . .

`Tin-operas?'

`Yeah—guys in armour. Like Robin Hood. And space-operas and psychological Westerns and situation comedy and dizzy dames and foreign intrigue, sort of—so it's gotta be something that reminds them of one of these things—but not too much.'

'I'm afraid I don't quite—' 'Hank, you're confusing the man. Let me put it this way—suppose your Inspector Watsisname turns out to be a woman? I don't say that's the gimmick—but if Sir Lancelot were a midget . .

'You got something there, Elmer.'

`Naw, it stinks. Where'd you get all the mid- gets? But why not try something really new? Like "Robin Hood at the Court of King Arthur"?'

'Different centuries.'

'What's that?'

'Those two, if they lived, lived several centuries apart,' `Who cares? D'you think the kids in Kalama- zoo worry about history? All they want's a couple of fights every five minutes and something they can dress up as.'

'Hold it, Hank. Just had a brain-wave. What about Ali Baba?'

'What about him?'

'Ali Baba, the Thief of Baghdad ! There's a title for you!'

'He wasn't.'

`What's that?'

'It's Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves. And he wasn't one of them.'

'Listen to him, Elmer—he wants to be authentic about something that never happened !'

'Paul—I have news for you. All we want is a smackeroo opening that keeps them from turning the knob—a cliffhanger first-act curtain so they come back after the middle commercial. Nobody cares about the end, anyway.'

'Say, All Baba and his Knights of the Round Table hide in the jars—but the oil's set on fire by the flaming arrows of Robin Hood and his Merry Men—' 'Now you're talking! But don't write in too many bit parts. Runs into money. No crowds, either. Just keep it moving, keep it clean and keep it simple.'

'You've forgotten the most important thing, Hank.'

'I never forget anything, Elmer. Paul, you're catching on real quick. You'll know how to keep it Mid-Atlantic . .

'I beg your pardon?'

'Like we do with the accents of the British actors we hire. We don't expect them to talk like human beings—I mean, like Americans. Just something half-way—Mid-Atlantic, you know. No broad a's—that makes audiences roar with laughter in the States. And not short ones either.' 'There's another thing. You gotta explain where you are all the time. People get confused. They've heard of Paris and London and Monte Carlo. That's about all.'

`And Sherwood Forest.'

`That's right. Maybe Loch Lomond and that place, in Ireland I can never remember.'

`Connemara? Dublin? Killarney?'

'Nam. The place where that dame's selling sea- food. . .

`That's Dublin.'

said Dublin, didn't I? But let's be construc- tive, Paulie-boy. Like Elmer says, gimmicks got to be new. So what about Scotland Yard—and the Master Criminal works right inside?'

`You've got something, Hank.'

`Sure I have. That's sensational, my boy. Get weaving right away. We want thirty-nine outlines and a couple of scripts. But yesterday.'

`Do you think Scotland Yard will like it?'

got news for you, Paul. It's the sponsor that's got to like it. We're gonna spend a million bucks here—so what's the British got to kick about?' `Nothing, I suppose.'

'Just one more thing. This series gonna be syndicated. That means—no names.'

'I beg your pardon?'

`Tell him, Hank. Tell the man.'

`We're gonna have a different sponsor in each city—maybe several. So—no drinking. No liquor, no beer, no cocoa. Coffee, maybe, if you've gotta. And when you have a restaurant scene, no steaks, no nothing. Just let the character ask for "the special" or "the usual." ' 'No brand names, see? Don't knock anything, don't boost anything. Just keep neutral. . . `You can do it, Paulie-boy.'

`Sure you can. Keep it Mid-Atlantic. . . `Hey, where're you going?'

'What's the idea?'

'Just going, Hank. Going away, Elmer. As far as I can get. Maybe right into Mid-Atlantic.'