COMPETITION

Grisly task

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 2119 you were invited to supply an imaginary government advertisement bravely attempting to attract recruits to an unappealing job.

One of the most unappealing jobs on offer was Nick Butler's Chief Apologist, to be `responsible for the development of a Regret Management Unit for all government departments and agencies, the remit to be extended in due course to cover a range of other bodies including the royal family, the England cricket team and London Transport'. I also relished Andrew Gibbons's gobbledegook: 'The government is an Equal Opportunities employer: applicants of the opposite gender and those of variable gen- der have an equal chance of non-selection. Candidates invited for interview will be expected to explain the previous sentence.'

The prizewinners, printed below, take £30 each, and the bottle of the Macallan Single Malt Highland Scotch whisky goes to Noel Petty.

Vacancies have arisen for a number of positions as Wardens in the government's newly formed Cupressus Leylandii Mediation Service. The posts are initially at local level, pending the appointment of a Cypress Czar.

The Wardens will be required to respond to

complaints about plants of excessive size, bring the disputing parties together, and give an on- the-spot decision on destruction or retention. They will also be encouraged to inspect all local gardens for younger plants likely to give trouble later, ordering (and supervising) their uprooting.

For dynamic individuals who like to move around and work unsupervised, these posts offer an opportunity to give a much-needed service to the community. Candidates should have strong interpersonal skills and be able to demonstrate relevant experience. Attractive package, with bicy- cle allowance and full medical insurance.

(Noel Petty)

HM Government requires a Child Care Officer (Grade 3) to work with three children. The posi- tion is based in central London with occasional periods in the north-east of England.

The children have all experienced unusual par- enting procedures and have difficulty in estab- lishing interpersonal relationships. Their severe attitudinal problems are expected to be aggravat- ed this year with the arrival of another sibling.

The successful candidate will be proactive in leisure-skills implementation and have compe- tence in computer-games technology, graffiti art and techno-thrash music. He or she should also be able to communicate with the children in 'rap' style. The ability to read and write is not consid- ered essential. The parents, who both operate within demanding work and lifestyle parameters, welcome applicants from disadvantaged racial minorities. Non-standard sexual orientation will be viewed favourably. (Leigh Hooper) Customer Care Manager — The Millennium Experience. In this high-profile position you will be directly responsible to the Minister in Overall Control, not to the NMEC. Your brief will be to ensure complete satisfaction for all paying visi- tors to the Dome. In particular you will reduce delays in entry to exhibitions and minimise incon- venience in cases where admission is not immedi- ate. Experience of street entertainment would be an advantage.

It is envisaged that you and the Care Assistants under your supervision (whom you will have the opportunity to recruit) will be at all times available to deal with complaints and per- sonally to maintain a clean and litter-free envi- ronment. Designer-conceived luminescent uni- forms will assist your accessibility.

In addition to standard remuneration, you will receive generous allocations of vouchers for fast- food outlets in the Dome. Frequent, visible, appreciative consumption of featured lines from every official caterer is a requisite perquisite for all CC staff. (Alanna Blake) Applications are invited for the post of Bean Counter (Junior Grade) at Walton Jail, Liverpool. Problems arising from the difficulty of ensuring that no prisoner receives more than the permitted maximum number of baked beans at mealtimes have generated this innovative field of employment.

The applicant should have a degree or equiva- lent in mathematics and a willingness to take on- the-spot responsibility for literally thousands of beans as well as carrying out duties laid down by the line manager (NB: this is not an Equal- Opportunities job). Experience of police work may be useful, as may a previous career of petty crime, but a background in catering is not necessary. Pay is £2.57 per hour, plus a bonus scheme based on the successful applicant's Bean Conservation Ratio (BCR). BCRs are subject to modification at any time. (G.M. Davis) Canine Intendance Officer. This is a modern, vital and challenging position in the personal office of the Secretary of State for Northern Ireland, call- ing for a menu of versatile skills. Primarily, it entails responsibility for the care, control and maintenance of `Bobby' when the minister is occupied with official or constitutional duties. The successful applicant will have had veterinary training and hands-on experience of dog-groom- ing and must be fully conversant with the dietary, exercise and `play' needs of golden retrievers. A physical-fitness diploma would be an advantage. Of necessity, the post calls for unsocial hours to be worked, with time off in lieu by arrangement. Uniform and pooper-scooper provided.

(Basil Ransome-Davies)

No. 2122: Erewhemos

You are invited to describe, as many fiction writers have done, an imaginary place in the world, of interest, horror or delight. Maximum 150 words. Entries to `Competition No. 2122' by 3 February.