No. 1349: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked to propose a catty Christmas present, accompanied by appropriate verse, for a well-known public figure. What is it about Mrs Thatcher that obsesses you all, friends and foes alike? IS she the mother that in your heart of hearts you wished you'd had, or the one you're deeply thankful you didn't? Of course she got Santa's biggest sack, containing a pall of miner's boots, a large brown paper bag' a 'common' kitten, a true-blue bandanna and a host of other jumble sale items. Keith Joseph came second, receiving a milking-stool, to stabilise his posture, and' from Basil Ransome-Davies, a mirror accompanied by reflections too libellous to print. The oddest present by far was the Director-General of the BBC's: the Col- lected Works of Euripides, together with some lines in the metre of Hiawatha. The jest eluded me. The winners below thoroughly deserve my Scrooge-like special Christmas award of £11 each, and the seasonably named I"' Merry has the bonus bottle of Pol Roger White Foil Champagne (NV) presented by the distributors Dent and Reuss. Let ire take this opportunity not only to wish you° happy Christmas and New Year, but. t° thank you for many letters (not all of will°, I manage to answer) providing suggestions for competitions, amusing or interesting scraps of information, corrections of ma errors, and friendly compliments an abuse. All are appreciated. I'd also like send a message of thanks to the loY'e competitors who give me weekly pleasurt without succeeding in reaching Prui Persevere. You never know.

0 craven Keith of Joseph's line,

Accept this Christmas gift condign As token of your frail intent - A raglan turncoat tegument.

For sunshine wear, it comes to you In doughty colouring, true blue.

When student thunder starts to bellow, Reverse it to a jaundiced yellow.

I pray you, sir, no ifs or buts: It comes regardless of my cuts.

I said, 'No Christmas gifts this year,'

But yielded out of abject fear.

So Keith, of purpose so infirm, The sedulous ape of turning worm, Pray join the ranks of other gullers In Joseph's coat of many colours.

(Richard Merry) For Neil Kinnock The wine is young and so are you - With age you both may mellow And you may come to value this Just like that other fellow Who never did, it's true, attain Your leadership position, Perhaps because the party then Contained more competiticin. But to prepare you for the time When, having suffered loss At Tony's or at Ken's red hand, You'll make your way across The Channel, as Commissioner, To don Roy's ancient crown - This claret, new and immature, Is yours for laying down. (Ian Menzies) For Kingsley Amis: A His'n'Hers matching sarong set Kingsley, old bean, I hear some rot That you're not too keen On the distaff lot. So I took some thought For a gift to fit And got you this sort Of togetherness kit. The girl in the store Pronounced it 'heavenly'

And I know you adore

Feeling 007-1y. Perhaps it's risky But then, old chap, You wouldn't want whisky And all that crap. (Noel Petty) Accept this hand that crowns a tapered rod, This little artefact of ivory, This petty trident for a lesser god, Fit emblem of authority for thee. With this thou mayst the opposition prod. Or goad thy minions if they fail to cheer, Or rouse thy Denis should he chance to nod And to thy discourse cease to lend an ear. With this thou mayst a nagging itch relieve, For none will offer thee the soothing nail, For flattery designed but to deceive Lies ever far beyond thine iron pale; And so, with admiration, Mrs Thatcher, I offer thee thy very own back-scratcher.

(O. Smith) For Neil Kinnock Moscow's no place for a baldie — It's cold and it's wet and it's icy; To wander about minus headgear Is-- health-wise — decidedly dicey. You may feel a furry tea-cosy Would look daft on a working-class hero; But a cargill-ste cross-over h

Won't Shelp whenyl it's nine belowairdo zero! You don't have to wear a creation Iat Nye and his pals would've frowned on:

Proffer this gift, which Fm sure will Look ideologically sound on.

It's almost de rigueur at Greenham

(Glenys knows all about that);

The fisherman's friend, and the jogger's -

A nice, woolly, bobble-topped hat!

(Peter Norman)