Acute krazy Christmas

Nicholas von Hoffman

Washington

From northernmost Alaska to the sun- niest tip of Florida, it's a white Christ- mas in America. The nation has been topped off with white sauce. We live in the Bechamel Age; a great custard glacier has moved out from the San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles, obliterating loud voices, dramatic flourishes and splendid gestures, and now everybody is telling everybody else to 'have a nice day'.

We are sogged in, as serious of purpose as the Swedes and as witty as the Swiss. Bravado and bluster, eccentricity and idiosyncrasy are to be found only in remote cabins on the verges of federal wildlife preserves in the Brooks Mountain Range. Passion is out of season and the only extravagant language to be heard is when Mr Reagan has a White House ceremony decorating a military hero. Yet even then, though the words are noble, the voice which speaks them is slack. We do not gird our loins, we cover them.

Twenty years ago America was, to use the idiom of the Sixties, letting it all hang out. Now they're telling us to tuck it all back in and button it up. The New York Times ran a headline not long ago which announced 'Some Sexual Behavior Viewed as an Addiction'. Calvinism and psychiatry have embraced each other. 'Some types of excessive sexual activity,' the article ex- plained, 'have all the hallmarks of an addiction and can be treated in a fashion similar to other addictions, such as alcohol- ism and gambling, a growing number of sex therapists believe.' In the Bechamel Age inflamed vice and licentious debauch are smothered in fire-retardant foam.

Whatever the form, whenever Calvinism prevails, spiritual morbidities and gnarled imaginings take shape — the witches of the mind tweak public sensibilities.

The fright began with the arrest this spring of several nursery school attendants for practising paedophilia. Within weeks people were being arrested all over for sexually abusing children. In a small rural town in Minnesota the adults in five or six families were arrested and charged with being part of a sex ring which traded each other's and their own children. Within days only a perfect fool would consent to see, much less lay a hand on a child, unless a police officer, a psychiatrist and a minister supervised the contact.

Senator Paula Hawkins, United States Senator from Florida, testified at a con- gressional hearing that she had been the victim of child abuse and then we were off to the races. All kinds of people said, me too, and the hunt for the paedophiliacs was on. Television, ordinarily squeamish about

details, began parading little girls and former little girls before the cameras to tell more than the non-pruriently minded would want to know. Faster than you can flick a dial 'child sexual abuse experts' presented themselves on every channel to tell a breathless public that one out of every ten children in America has fallen fallen foul of a paedophiliac.

Programmes were shown to teach chil- dren the difference between 'good touch and bad touch'. One man was arrested after his little daughter jumped out of the bathtub to come and talk to mommy and daddy in the living room and daddy was thoughtless enough to take a picture of her. This child-molester was turned in by the lab which developed the pictures. While dad languished in vinculis, the child was taken off to live in a state-run institu- tion.

Equally disturbing has been the absolute absence of spokespersons representing the 23 million American adults who evidently make it a settled practice to abuse children sexually. The case for child molestation has yet to be presented, perhaps because before the full horror of the situation could be savoured it has been discovered that there is an 'epidemic' of teenage suicides. The tradition has been to say that whatever the social problem, ten per cent of the population have it, but in the case of the suicide epidemic no such numbers are being bandied about, possible because corpses would be piled high in the streets.

Many distressing reasons are being given for the allegedly lamentable tendency of American youth to do away with itself. The 'teenage suicide' experts who immediately made their debut after the discovery of this presumably deplorable condition blame it on a) families who move around too much, b) the threat of atomic warfare (youth gets impatient), c) too much school work and competition for grades and d) the sure and certain knowledge that when the pimples recede and the diplomas are handed out there is nothing to look forward to but, if one is blessed, gainful employment. Oddly enough, no one has suggested these are yesteryear's abuse victims. I think they ought to look into that.

The repressions of the Bechamel Age dO not extend to frowning on the acquisition of goods of this world. The Christmas potlatch is on and an American needs go no further than his mail box to see how great is Mr Reagan's prosperity. By actual count this American has received 108 Christmas catalogues with a combined weight exceeding 33 pounds.

There is no taste, no prediliction, no known human preference or desire for the material goods of this world which cannot be satisfied by ordering from these cata- logues, even unto the jet-propelled surf- board which can be yours if you are willing to spend $2,450. Any major credit card accepted.

The specialisation in catalogues has moved ahead this year. Thanks to the strength of the dollar, we have the brochures selling only Irish or only English merchandise. Others sell only food, some only cooking utensils or running, jumping and jogging togs. One sells only teddy bears, ranging in price from $2.50 to $650. The most interesting of the ursine mer- chandise is the 'Prenatal Sound Teddy Bear', a godsend to the parents and prop- rietors of cranky babies. The catalogue description tells us that 'Noted obstetrician Dr William C. Eller invented this unusual teddy bear to pacify crying babies and lull them to sleep. It reproduces the actual sounds heard inside the womb of an expectant mother, and has been proved effective in hospital tests.' If that doesn't work, try a warm bottle of milk. Failing that, you might want to consider taking the little tyke by the feet and bashing his brains out.

The teddy bear craze may have peaked. Scottie dogs seem to be inching their beguiling way into the catalogues this year. Scottie doorstops, Scottie salt- and pepper' shakers, Scottie drinking glasses and Scot- tie licorice candy have been descried, as well as Scottie motifs on ties, scarves and various edibles. The cunning little terriers from the Hebrides are definitely on the way back. Of course every year animalia of all kinds are keen favourites of the Christ- mas merchandisers. Pet owners will go for the electronic flea-collar: 'Simply place the collar around your pet's neck, and where' ver it goes, it moves in a 4-inch circle of sound that fleas and ticks absolutely hate. Water resistant, vet-tested, and inaudible to humans and pets.' Giggletree, a pistol of a name for a catalogue, announces: 'Haute canine, the natural gourmet dog snack, will be our best friend's best gift. Every dog- pleasing biscuit is home-baked, cut by hand and embossed with the HC mono' grams.' If your dog turns a sniffy nose up to these treats, send 'em overseas to the starving Ethiopians. Do not send Zoo Do to Africa. Advertised in Gardener's Eden It may be had for five dollars for a two-pound bag. 'Zoo Doo', in case your imagination isn't up to guessing, 'is manure donated for your garden by 'refined' Bronx Zoo aninv

als • . . for healthier plants and prettier flowers'. The catalogue is maddeningly silent on what a 'refined' animal might be.

Preppie continues big too. After all George Bush — who personifies that term to Americans who aren't — was re-elected too. Preppies of the Bush stamp are prone to have belongings on which ducks have been sewn or glued. They have ducks on their silk rep ties and ducks on their lampshades and ducks on the foreheads of their children. They buy their duck- decorated possessions out of the L. L. Bean catalogue sent out from the rustic fastness of granite-clad Maine, but this

Year a major challenge is being mounted for the younger preppie/yuppie business by Banana Republic, Travel & Safari Clo- thing Co.' who claim on the catalogue that

they are 'The United Kingdom & Ireland OUTFITTERS WHO OUTLASTED THE EMPIRE'. There is a drawing of UK, on the cover of which is to be seen a sketch of a chap wearing a Royal Navy officer's hat, one arm around a red-headed young lady, the other around a blonde. Next to this trio appear the words: 'They have not let their responsiveness to the demands of modern taste spoil their long-established standards of workmanship — Prince Andrew.' Whatever it means, it sells Clothes. The Banana Republic look is the

Indiana Jones look to the nines — khakis and bush jackets with people like Martin Cruz Smith, author of Gorky Park, writing

funny notes about the clothes.

If you don't want to look like a 1935 trans-Saharan adventurer but prefer up-to- date outdoor wear, you may want to order a 'solar-powered pith helmet. A built-in solar-powered fan in this unique patented helmet directs a constant breeze towards $89.50 forehead to cool you on hot days. 4'89.50 postpaid and unconditionally

guaranteed.' All that running around out- doors will inflame the appetite, which can be assuaged by a gift from the Popcorn Factory. They too have a whole catalogue given over to this one comestible. You might enjoy the Cornucopia Gift Pack, Consisting of popcorn in a number of flavours you don't associate with a field of corn, such as pistachio, fruit salad, root 'eel*, watermelon, bubblegum and rum butter toffee. Should the palate of the gift recipient be somewhat more catholic, order a bunch of hot dogs or franks from Omaha Steaks at $33.50 plus $4.00 for shipping for 15 franks. They ought to be good at those prices. If you can afford the franks you can afford anything, so why not dial the toll-

free number at Land's End and order ,$1,000 worth of British Christmas presents

Gift Wrapped" in an authentic London taxi, delivered to your door by Santa himself. Yours for only $20,000 (including the taxi)'. London I don't know how people will get around London after 25 December but many an American millionaire's wife will thank the dear English people for a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.