No. 1301: The winners
Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for an extract from a history book for children explaining and describing a future mini-war between Iceland and a then in- dependent Tasmania.
You might think that a nation that played cricket wouldn't stand a chance against a nation of chess-players, but your history books of the future had Tasmania more often than not emerging temporarily as Top Nation — in one instance with a horrible consequence: 'the victors went on to clone the famous fish-tasting apples that we all enjoy'. The weapons used were as unor- thodox as Tweedledum's and Tweedledee's, including of course Tasmanian devils and icicles, but also a device for transmitting seismic shocks by attaching vacuum sonars (things looking like giant milking-cups) to volcanic vents. Most of the wars were almost bloodless draws, and in George Sim- mers's scenario the subsequent UN Peace Programme kindly gave the Icelanders grants to write sagas describing what might have happened had the fighting become really fierce.
The five prize-winners printed below receive ten pounds each.
When the Prime Minister, Neil Kinnock, let the Greeks have their marbles back, there was a craze for people getting back the things they had once owned. A brainy chap in Reykjavik found out that the so-called Dutchman Abel Tasman was really a Norseman called Axel Tosman — so Tasmania really belonged to Iceland. The Tasmanians did not agree, so both sides agreed to have a battle — the Icelanders in Viking boats, the Tasmanians in aboriginal skin-boats — in no man's water in the South Atlantic. Before fighting, each fleet, as the custom was, toasted the other in 99 per cent proof neat spirit. It was Prince William, canoeing solo round the world for Gordonstoun Project Week, who found them — all quite drunk but all quite unhurt — singing or snoring as their boats drifted lazily to and fro on the mercifully still waters.
(Andrew McEvoy) So war was declared. The refusal by Knockemov (the chess genius) to play in Reykjavik, preferr- ing a date in Hobart, started a chain of events which Iceland's winning of the World Song Con' test, one point ahead of Tasmania, finished.
The progress of the war was hindered by the Superpowers' ban (two days after declaration) on all fossil and nuclear fuels. This brought itv ternational travel to a near-standstill.
Bruce Bannerman's famous overland inva. sionary force made excellent progress until It, reached Khatmandu, where it pitched camp and issued a series of violently worded challenges, which nobody ever received. As for Erika Eriksdottir's war fleet, two of the armed skiffs ran aground on the Goodwins, one turned up years later on Loch Ness; the rest disappeared without trace. Nevertheless, although the contesting forces never met, it was almost a century before either side could be persuaded to go to the negotiating
table. (Gerard Benson)
After the nuclear holocaust (2084), only three states remained: Cyprus, Tasmania and Iceland: Cyprus fought itself, so the other two set out to capture each other. It was a long and difficult struggle, because each side had a limited suPPIY of oars, and the expeditionary forces sent by government took several years to arrive. The marauding Tasmanians pelted their foe Oh' native apples, which had unfortunately gone squashy on the journey. The Icelanders attacked the Tasmanians with their native hot water, but this had cooled a little in transit. Eventually, the war ended in total victory for both sides, after each nation dispatched its entire populatoti, simultaneously, and inhabited its opponents country by right of conquest. In the meantinle, of course, our Glorious Cypriot Republic defeated itself, and laid rightful claim 1° everywhere else, including the sea.
(Llewellin Berg)
There was a hockey match between Tasmania and Iceland when players on both sides lost the tempers and some were hurt quite badly. Eae.,11 government told the other to say they were Orr' and pay a lot of money. Both refused and so they declared war. Not much of a war, because the two countries were such a long way from each other. It was a game of hide-and-seek. The Tasmanian soldiers went all over the world look" ing for the Iceland troops, and Iceland gunboats sailed thousands of miles hunting Tasmanian warships. Some Tasmanian devils — very fierce wild cats — were landed in Iceland, but soon kill; ed. Seals from Iceland were let loose 06 Tasmania and ate lots of Tasmanian fish. TheY gave up in the end, but the war has never been stopped officially. So when you play hockeY, children, don't lose your tempers! (Desmond) Nearly everyone knows that Iceland and Tasmania are two small islands a long way aPart' One day Tasmania had a good idea. If bib
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nations united for safety, why should not small ones do the same? Tasmania told Iceland, Oought it a good idea. So they both formed CrI` Small Island Confederacy — SIC. UnhaPPi.,IY they could not agree where to have the hear quarters. Tasmania said Tasmania because it was her idea. Iceland said Iceland because it wash t Iceland's. They quarrelled, and then began t fight. Iceland sent her aeroplane all the way to bomb Tasmania, but missed. Tasmania sent ner..0 two aircraft to bomb Iceland. They hit a fishim: boat and did not return. After that there was." cease-fire while they both borrowed more a'r" craft.
(Edward Samson)
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