Low life
Moving
Jeffrey Bernard
For the fourth night running, journalists Horses hoping for a statement front 250. After more talks with Balon, waited anxiously outside the Coach a° Although supporters cheered as he was in an emotional statement to members 0; the Soho society, stated, 'As far as I know shall be sitting and sipping in the cornet, tomorrow talking utter bollocks as usual., to have asked for 500 vodkas severance Put. lasted from 11 a.m. until 3 p.m. and again driving seat in the corner of the ba,ri from 5.30 p.m. until 11 p.m., Mr Bernal'', more than, 'Piss off, the lot of you.' In the gathering storm in the saloon bar Mr Her- nard was insisting that he still remains in the but he is thought to have agreed to accept change of the pub bore and drunk. At clos- ing,time a tight-lipped Balon would say no Rumour in Greek Street has it that he is said landlord Norman Balon as to the proposed
assisted into a mini cab a splinter group of Italian waiters and Maltese ponces were chanting, 'Bernard out, Bernard out.'
The next morning when reporters re- newed their vigil a regular customer, Mr Conan Nicholas, who travels from darkest VVoolwich to tipple in the Coach, said, `This has'been coming for a long time. Mr Balon insisted on changes which we con- sidered were not in the best interests of the Customers. First he installed Space Invader machines and then a juke box and a wretch- ed fruit machine. We had to go to arbitra- tion to get Rose's lime juice instead of Brit- vie and we won that battle. Unfortunately, Baton then increased the price of a double. This could be the end of civilisation as we know it.'
Another well-known customer, Mr Jeremy Madman-Simpleton, who was put on the free transfer list by the Queen's Elm last year, looked distinctly shaken when questioned. 'I'm 100 per cent behind Mr Bernard. He's been incredibly boring for as long as I've known him and I shall stick by hire all the way to Broadmoor or Colney Hatch.'
,„ °Re of the major issues about which levels. and Bernard disagree is manning levels. As one independent customer said, `All through last year, Balon insisted on employing a succession of hideously unat- tractive and unavailable barmaids from the Antipodes. They couldn't serve water. And what have we got behind the jump now? An Irish teetotaller who's about as fast as a Sunday afternoon on the dole and a Scots lagerholic on his way to irreversible brain damage. What we're fighting for is one bar- Maid for every customer.' , Speculation that Bernard might return to the French pub on a full-time basis was squashed yesterday by Gaston Berlemont. e' ye already got a pub bore, a master in his field, Mr Tony Harris. As for the post of Pub drunk I can't see the wood for the trees., In another statement issued by Smir- rt,°ff, their traveller said, 'We're keeping close tabs on this one. Basically, and at this Point in time, we're aware of the fact that there's a vacant stool in the corner of the Carlisle Arms but whether Roland would Put up with insults every evening is debatable.' In the past, differences between Balon and Bernard have been settled fairly have but observers now think matters nave reached crisis point. 'It's all down to a clash of personalities,' said the dishwasher tlPstairs in the Carrier-designed kitchen. `It's typical of Norman that he should have taken along three of his mates on his honeymoon to play crib with. Jeff's much In, ore romantic. I've seen him slumped in this corner sobbing for hours on end over sWeet bugger all.' Late last night, while Balon was losing at .,,e1.1ess to a stage technician from the Palace eatre and Bernard was being ejected f!h rnm an AA meeting, Sir Benny Green was working and unavailable for comment, as were both Lord and Lady Evans who were kin°ving into their new Blenheim Palace
Previous page
