OXFORD LETTER

Warden's Warre

GOOD BROTHER LONDINIENSIS,

I am glad that the great postal! siege is now at last lifted, for although the pigeon- service was a pretty thing, and excellently well managed, especially in the last weeks, yet the inconveniences (besides the business of buying bird-seed, etc.) were many, and my good scout Mudge has had much trouble to clear away the droppings from my room; in which matter your bird, I must confess, was more delinquent even than that of Can- tabrigensis. So now 'tis with some relief that I put this letter in a customary envelope, though with an enhanced stamp, and send it to you by the usual! way.

My chief business is now to tell you of Master Warden Sparrow, his great battle of the bollards: which battle has brought us publick-spirited academicks out once again, in our traditionall accoutrements of cap and gown, to contend against each other in archbishop Sheldon's theatre. But in so grave a matter I shall not hustle your pace but will begin ab ovo. I need not tell you that Master Warden is a man of exquisite sensibility who loves not vulgar noyse but needs undisturb'd quietude in order to concentrate his mind upon his -refin'd studies and exquisite machinations; and having, in the first years of his reign, effectually stilled all indecent buzzing and vivacity within the Old-soules club, he next set out to carry the same delightful tran- quillity into the pomoerium or outer cincture of the place. To this end he planned to exile all motor cars (except his own genteel Bentley, which neither spits nor farts) from within sight and ear-shot of the Club. At first (as I have told you) he allied himself with his neighbour Warden (and old tutour), Master Smith of New coll., then Vice-chancellour, and these two gallant Wardens, like the two Ajaxes before Troy, fought valiantly side by side in that long warre, seeking to remove all the stinking traffique from the High-street, on the south side of the Club, being the side nearest to Master Warden's lodgings_ and most essentiall to his peace of mind.

In this great warre, as I have told you, he was in the end defeated by the machiavellian counter-working of the three Meadow coils. and, in particular, by the stout hearts of the Christ-church men. But being a man of great courage and resource, he wa3 not thereby cast down but, surrendering pro tempore on that front, he boldly declared warre on the other side of the Club, demanding that no motor car be allowed even to stand silent in the Radcliffe Square or delicate piazza on its western flank. And herein we must all do him justice; for that piazza is not only a no- ble prospect from the Old-soules club, but is the very heart and centre of our university, being bounded by ancient colleges on the east and west, by Bodley's library on the north, and by the university church on the south, with Dr Radcliffe's majestick dom'd Camera (now renovated both within and without) standing huge and solitary in the midst of it; so that altogether 'tis one of the most graceful! squares in Europe, which 'tis pity to see -always clutter'd with this miscellaneous abandon'd waggonry.

In this new warre, or rather crusade, which has occupied him these last five years, Master Warden thought to win an easier vic- tory; for not only did he, by his combin'd military and diplomatick arts, win over both the City Council! and the Hebdomadall Councill, which together are almost ir- resistible, but the opposition to . be ap- prehended on that flank was far less than on the other. For instead of a confederation of three rich coils. (viz: Christ-church, Corpus Christi coll., and Merton coll.), he now found facing him only one- coll., viz: Brazen-nose coll. : a very worthy society, once famous for learning, and more recently (regnante Dr Stallybrass, the great lawyer) for athletique prowess, but now hibernating for a time under the temporall and spirituall rule of Sir Noel Hall, its Principal and Master Styler its chaplain and wine- steward.

And indeed, by the beginning of this year, Master Warden had so far prevail'd that that poor coll., being brought to extremity, was ready, almost, to surrender at discretion, the Fellows only praying that they be allowed, for their necessary ease and dignity, to retain a small quillet of their own property where they might briefly place their own cars; which they undertook would be exiguous and obscure, and safely hidden from Master Warden's sight by the gigantique intervening mass of Dr Radcliffe's Camera. Which prayer being granted, they further begg'd for a narrow lane of access thereto, for such few persons as might still wish to visit a college thus deject and fallen. Which favour, being humbly sought, was magnanimously granted by Master Vice-chancellour and the Hebdomadal! Councill, who decreed that there should be a little engine call'd a rising arm or mobile barrier, to be controul'd by the Porter of that coll., who, if satisfy'd (through a speaking-tube) of the quality of the visitor, and not otherwise, should cause it to rise and admit him, and thereafter instantly to fall again and close that way of access to all inferior applicants.

Such was the indulgence of Master Vice- chancellour and the Hebdomadall Councill towards that poor coll. But Master Warden, being of a more exacting temper, at least where the Muses are concern'd, was not so easily satisfy'd. He objected that this device of a rising arm, how ingeniose soever, was in itself a hideous thing, such as no member of the Old-soules club (they being all of ex- quisite sensibility) could bear to look out upon; and so he demanded that it be altogether banish'd from that piazza, and replaced by some more ferocious, but more elegant engine, as (for instance) a set of dragon's teeth, or iron fangs, which, rising suddenly out of the ground, and closing with a savage snap, would pierce the tires of in- truding cars; or a great elephant-pit which, suddenly gaping beneath 'em, would swallow 'em up quick, and close over 'em again for ever, like that lacus Curtius, in the forum of Rome of which Livy tells us in his Histories, lib. vii, cap. 6. Besides which, he added (but this privily, to his friends), that if that rising arm were once install'd, he would not spare that coll., but would himself hire un- dergraduates (of the better sort) to go thither in troops, one after another, and tell the Porter (through the speaking-tube) that they were the Bishop of Lincoln, the Visitor, come to rectify certain grave abuses and enormities in that coll., or blackamoor states-men from the Gold and Ivory Coasts of Afrique, eager to wait upon their old friend the Principal, whom they had known anno 1944, when he was exil'd in those parts, etc. etc.; which would breed in- convenience.

By these and such devices Master Warden undermin'd the spirit of that poor coll.; and then, when he judg'd it quite broken, he moved to the attack and, on 23rd ultimi, pro- posed in Congregation, our house of legislature, in a witty speech (had it been shorter), that that rising arm be altogether cast aside, and all controul of access taken away from Brazen-nose coll., and regulated instead either by dainty stone bollards or (failing that) by some humble engine, yet to , be devis'd, which would rise not more than a few inches from the ground and be invisible from the Old-soules club.

Him answer'd Master Hourani, the great Arabist, being a member of the Heb- domadal! Councill and well supplied thence with arguments; who also, in the course of his speech (not otherwise notable) made one strange remark : for turning aside from his text, he cast a sidelong dart at me, and that by name, speaking of the learned frivolity (as

he mis-call'd it) of these my letters to you; whereat a sudden roar of protest fill'd the whole theatre, with shrill cries of dissent, stamping of feet, waving of the Gazette, cat- calls, wolf-whistles, horse-laughs, etc., etc.; in which I also naturally joined, lest, being alone silent, my singularity should bewray me; and all the great ladies and un- dergraduates in the gallery, and even the reporters for the penny papers in the pit, joined in the cry, detesting such gross libels upon an innocent old scholler, the faithful! chronicler of our academy; for all men (ex- cept Master Hourani) know how profound and grave is my purpose and philosophy 'Tis true, the Regius Professor of Greek and Master Cobb (the Ranter) of Balliol coll., who afterwards join'd me in the ordinary, insisted that there had been no such cry, and that my own shouts and gestures, being thought excentrique, had declared rather than concealed my identity; for (said they) all that din that I heard was but the crackling of the ingeniose otacousticon, or hearing aid, which I have newly bought in order the better to follow those debates. So they said, to abash me; sed non ego credulus illis: these worthy old friends do but sek to tease me.

After this, various grave senatours spoke, all of 'em (save one Brazen-nose man) in support of Master Warden, offering other neat contrivances to solve this great mechanical! probleme; and then, the ques- tion being put, we all voted, and Master Warden gained the plurality of voices; with which he was mightily elated, until) Master Vice-chancellour, rising from his throne, gravely reminded him that whereas he had unquestionably prevail'd, nevertheless his poll was too short, by nine votes, to bind the Hebdomadall Council), according to a law lately passed which requires at least 75 votes for that purpose; which new law, though well known to all of us, Master Warden afterwards confess'd to me that he had quite forgot; and so, by this slight defect, which a little canvassing had so easily rectified, all that fire which, by constant friction, he had at last engender'd, went out in smoak.

After this Master Warden was much con- fus'd. Howbeit, he fail'd not to put his se- cond motion, which sought to limit the size of any mechanical! device used to controul that access to a few inches above the ground. But here he suffer'd even greater confusion. For Master Heggie of Nuffield coll., a learned engineer, having expounded to 113 an exquisite Archimedean contrivance of a hinged, submersible bollard which rose up to forty inches while remaining invisible from the Old-soules club, Master Warden sought hastily to embrace it too in his motion, argu- ing that forty inches were but a few inches, at least if viewed sub specie infinitatis; which argument Master Vice-chancellour, judging it to be sophistry, allow'd not. Besides which, a young prize-fellow of the Club, who rose to second his patron, observing that their party was too small to bind the Council!. declared somewhat peremptorily that some of the others must change their minds, or at least their votes. Which 'must', being a word not to be us'd to our grave senatours, especially by a young whipper-snapper from the Old-soules club, caused many of 'em, in a huff, to leave the theatre; so that the Warden, though he once again prevail'd, once again failed to attain that magicall number of 75 votes, without which any vic- tory is barren.

Thus our great academick Hannibal, after this long and arduous campania, in the course of which he had led his army through such horrid Alps, and had marshalled and wheeled into battle such unruly elephants, and had won his grdat preliminary victories of Lake Trasimene and Cannae, in the end lost his reward; and all because he spent this winter season not in reuniting his forces by adding nine just men on the eve of the last contest, but luxuriously capuating in the Old-soules club; a grave errour which shall supply me with matter for my next sermon

in my college chapel in Turl-street.

And yet I shall not despair; for I have great faith in our worthy Vice-chancellour Master Bullock, who is even now ruminating on Master Heggie's hinged bollard, as the mac/Tina ex Deo to resolve all our prob- lemes; and whether by that means or another, I trust erelong to see that noble quadrangle restor'd to that grace and elegan- cy which it had anno 1800 or thereabouts, which was the time when Brazen-nose coll. flourished above all other coils. in Oxon; as it may yet do again, for the mutations of col- leges are as mysterious as the rise and decline of states and empires. With which grave reflexion, good brother Londiniensis, I take my leave and subscribe myself

Your loving friend

MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS