Water on the brain
WELL, old chap, how shall we advertise Telecom?
With the Piping Poof?
No, no, we're trying to sell shares, you remember. The Government's unloading another £10 billion worth in the autumn, and we've got the business again. Another campaign from the wonderful people who gave you Sid and Frank. I could dislocate my jaw, just thinking about it. Have we got anything left over from last time? Any scrapings in the water- barrel?
There was that wacky idea — what was the slogan? Water Doesn't Grow On Trees? A different sort of pitch, altogether.
Could we recycle that? How did it go? Jolly oddly, if you ask me. It started with shots of dry river-beds and wilting lawns and beige bathwater and the beach at Nasty-on-Sea. Then it said all this was because the water boards were billions behind in their capital spending. Now they had to catch up, and where would they get the money from?
The Treasury?
Be your age. The Treasury has to pay for us. Besides, even your ordinary C2 tax- payer knows who pays for the Treasury. No, our story was that if you waved a wand and turned the dreary water boards into well-run profitable companies and brought them to the Stock Exchange - Or brought them to the Exchange first and then tried waving the wand -
Oh, all right, but the point was that the good ones would be able to raise all the money they needed, through the markets, without asking the Treasury, so the lawns could grow and the rivers flow — quite a good closing shot, we were going to have the Water Music.
Well, admit it, that was the idea. Get the water boards off the Treasury's back, let them spend without busting the National Debt, and if they make money, that's part of the plan. I wish we'd said so then, instead of putting out that patronising schmaltz about H2 Owners. We'd have saved ourselves all this fuss now, about water charges and salaries and regulation, and greedy privat- ised industries. It's turned the mood. Won't make our job easier, selling Telecom.
What do we do, then?
Underprice the issue and rely on a quick turn. And we'll need a slogan. Pay the Piper, Call The Tune?
If you have to. Come on, old boy lunch.
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