Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
01 I\ `T\7 '11 -101r1ITI "ILL By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Don't ask me why, but suddenly the buzzword is 'Thatcher'. Memo marked 'Urgent' says the T-word count for an average speech is now ten times minimum 'until further notice'. Jed rushed into the office this morning all breathless and sweaty, and announced extra greenie points (fi-appuccino machine tokens, carbon offset holiday credits, soft loo-roll allowance!) for anyone who thinks up new and inventive ways of relating Dave's policies to `the Leaderene'. All ideas must be fully reversible in case we want to ditch her later. Am going to give it a whirl. I could really do with a skiing holiday and the thought of being allocated a roll of Andrex instead of that sharp crackly stuff we have to use is just too tantalising for words. It also beats stacking membership resignation letters. If you ask me, all these so-called leading Tories defecting to Ukip shouldn't even be sent a reply. I've never heard of any of them! Today we got two more ransom notes from people claiming to be peers of the realm (I mean who is 'Lord No-Gyppos'?). The usual list of final demands about asylum-seekers and cod (or the A-lister gets it!'). Jed says we're not to show them to Dave or he'll start asking questions about what it all means, and he can't be bothered to explain it again — 'I've got enough hassle staging a fake lunge to the right.'
TUESDAY Foxy given another talking to by Dave and Mr Hague. Dave didn't really want to, but he was under orders from Sam, who took a straw poll of her girlfriends at a spring wardrobe-swapping supper party the other night and almost all were in agreement that he had to be reined in. So the decision was pretty much final. I had to take notes for Jed from the other side of the secret door. What a horrible job. Have got crick in neck. Dave told Foxy he had to stop threatening to bomb Iran. Mr Hague hummed a lot then said, 'If anyone is going to call for us to bomb Iran, it's going to be me. I'm in chaaarge with my new campaign — 28 days to saaave the Middle East.' Everyone v excited about our away day to Scotland. The phone's been hot with shadow Cabinet members ringing up to find out the travel arrangements — secondclass rail only, and the dress code — SBC (Smart But Compassionate).
WEDNESDAY What a lot of plonkers. Apparently most of them had already booked flights to Edinburgh, in direct contradiction of our forthcoming policy pledge to ban all domestic air travel — including the MP who is preparing to announce the policy, because he 'didn't think it had started yet'. On top of which, they're all asking for clarification on SBC. This is basic stuff. Smart means suit, compassionate means open-neck shirt, away day means shirt to be brightly coloured or striped and Scotland means preferably not blue. Can't believe we are having to explain this.
Jed has put up a T-word score board. Am third with a running total of 45 mentions. Whoever is at top of chart by end of week gets the foreign holiday allowance. It's every man (and/or woman) for him (or her)self.
THURSDAY Jed is furious with me for inserting 15 Thatchers into a speech due to be made in Scotland. 'Obviously we're not Thatcherite when we're there, silly girl. Think reversible! Adapt! Be the change!' Am full of shame.
tamzin.lightwater@spectatoixo.uk
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