OXFORD LETTER
A babble of tongues
MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS
GOOD BROTHER LONDINIENSIS,
The publick prints will have informed you how the party of learning at Oxon prevailed this Tuesday in the matter of foreign tongues, the monoglots being defeated, tho' but narrowly, by the bilingualls. But as this whole matter is neither new nor simple, being but the latest battle in a long warre betwixt the two parties, I shall avail myself of this convenient pigeon and convey to you its proper history and interpretation. Know then that all this warfare began wino 1966, when our sister university of Cambridge, seeking to replenish its dwind- ling numbers, proposed to ease the way of entry by removing the condition that the young creatures should know at least the rudiments of a second (and antient) foreign tongue, they being presumed already to have acquired some smattering of a modern. This proposal! was resisted gallantly by the eru- dite of that place, but they being always a minority there, they were defeated; and the Latin tongue, since then, has not been used in Cambridge, save by scientists (and then wrongly) when they wish to be un- intelligible. This lowering of the barrier at our sister university naturally bred some discourse here at Oxon, and gave courage to the Philistines amongst us, who began to say that Cam- bridge had given a noble example of en- lightenment, and that our barriers were too high, and should be levelled with theirs by the removal] of this top bar of latinity: otherwise (said they) a whole herd of pro- mising colts and fillies will swerve aside from us and jump into that easier paddock, to sport and graze there. So debates ensued and contests were fought; but always the arguments of the party of learning prevailed, and so, although we enforce not Latin upon all comers (being indulgent to those who would study the naturall sciences), the bar- riers remain at their old height and those who would study the liberall arts at Oxon must at least know how to decline mensa, to genderize cumuli° and vespertilio, and to recite grace in their college halls. The last occasion on which this battle was fought was wino 1967. Those were the yielding times when Master Vice-chan- cellour and the whole Hebdomadall Council sought always to gallop ahead of the stam- pede, neighing and whinneying in unison with the fastest of 'em, with flanks heaving and ears close to the ground; which was a very ungainly posture to be seen in, and whether it has raised our reputation in the world, I leave to your consideration. So that whole august body, lest it should be thought backward in the cause of Liberty and Pro- gress, then yielded to those who cry'd loud- est and put up as their speaker one Master Brock, an exact accountant, now bursar of Sir Isaac Wolfson's new college (still to be built), arm'd with a great roll of figures, to prove whatsoever he wanted. But Master Brock's manner being somewhat magisteriall and peremptory, so that our less agile wits could not leap and bend at his command, he convinced us not, and we continued as before. But 'tis hard to keep our gallant reformers down, and now, after four years, they have struck again. This time, they could not per suade the Hebdomadal! Council to patronize 'em (Master Vice-chancellour Bullock being not so easily corralled), so they put forth a private resolution signed by eighteen names, calling upon Congregation (being our house of legislature) to vote down the second language for all time, as an im- pediment to true learning. Whereupon the opposite party put forth another paper, signed by seventy-nine names, denying their premises and urging others to resist; and so the drums were roll'd and the tocsin rung from towers and spires and the fiery cross carried from coll. to coll., and the two parties met to do battle in our customary stadium or bull-ring for these oratoricall entertainments, viz: archbishop Sheldon's amphitheatre, now nobly refurbish'd and every way fit for such gallant gladiators. Here 'tis to be noted that the enemies of foreign tongues belong to three classes of men. First, there are the Moderns: that is, the Sociologists, Oeconomists and Chop- logicians, whose whole science (as they main- tain) needs no solid bottom of knowledge to grow upon, nor no roots in Antiquity to nourish it, all their learning being set out in a few slim books writ in the last ten years, in English (of a kind), and bound in paper; so that by their means a man can, without exerting himself, become master of all mod- ern learning and obtain an office in Broad- casting House and tell us all what we should think on all great problemes. Secondly, there are the Friends of Progress and Equality, who cry out against this university as open- ing its doors only to such as have been bred up in good schools, and know something, which is a badge of privilege, whereas true liberty requires that we should be equally hospitable to those who come from bad schools and know nothing at all. Finally, here as elsewhere, there are always the With-it crew, who, having themselves gained a good education, must needs atone for that guilt (as they conceive it), and show them- selves to be morally untainted by it, by run- ning with the other two classes and crying up modernity and ignorance as true inno- cence; of which party I could name one or two, not unknown in the world, but forbear, honoris cau Well, all we publick-spirited men muster'd in that amphitheatre, and when Master Vice- chancellour, through the mouth of Master Hourani (the great Arabist) had given neat answers to some ingeniose questions about the stone bollards, wooden arms, iron dragon's-teeth, earthen elephant-pits, and
other obstacles to motor-cars which Master Warden Sparrow (himself absent) would have us set up for him around the Old-soules club, behold! up starts Master Knapp, the
Chop-logician of St Catherine's coll., who, casting his eyes to heaven, bade us turn
from these mundane obstacles and consider
rather those intellectual bollards whereby we were keeping worthy young men out of our
society. Then he told us that all our former
prognosticks had proved wrong, for the university of Cambridge, having cast away those harriers, was now thriving mightily while that of Oxon, by retaining 'em, was in sad declination; and this he illustrated by abundant figures, which however, to those
of our party who had ears to catch 'em and leisure to compare 'em, seemed to prove no
such thing. After him stood up the reverend chaplain of Brazen-nose coll., Master Styler, who, since Master Knapp, though a layman, had spoke like a grave parson, thought it his turn, though a parson, to speak like a merry layman, and told us some anecdote about old Dr Case (who has been dead these fifty years) and a bottle of port-wine; which, being not pertinent to the issue, nor co- haerent in itself, I omit. And that was the case for the propounders of the resolution. To them answer was made first by, Dr Honore, the Regius Professor of Civil! Law, who spoke of true education; then by Master Kent, a scientist, who spoke of schools and school-boyes (he being tutor for admissions to Christ-church); lastly by Mas- ter Todd, the secretary of schools exam- inations for Oxon and Cambridge, who brought out figures enough to explode all the tragical] conclusions of Master Knapp: for by disengaging the figures for the liberal! arts (which alone are in question), he showed that we in Oxon had fared not worse but better than they in Cambridge since the barrier there was lowered; and he added, as an old schoolmaster who knew his birch- rods, that those schools which taught no Latin would be found, on enquiry, to teach nothing else well neither, and that 'twas best to leave such stale pools for others, if they list, to fish in. After this the propounders of the motion were sore dismayed, Master Knapp's figures. in which they had trusted, being quite blown up. But as Congregation, like Mother Nat- ure, abhors a voyd, up springs one from Wadham coll. who, having declared himself a statistician, told us that all statisticks (ex- pert° crede) were bunkum; by which doc- trine he thought to have ruined Master Todd's figures, but what credit he brought thereby to Master Knapp's figures, or to his own science, leave to your surmise. Nor could his friends around him restrain Master Professor Beloff from speaking his mind; who observed that all this trouble arose from one faculty only: for (as the true figures showed) 'twas the Sociologists alone who were really in decline amongst us and who now sought, with the help of the Friends of Progress and the With-it crew, to increase their numbers by changing the whole university; whereas (said he), if they were more rational] and more modest, they should rather look into the mirror and change themselves. By these sound reasonings the monoglot party was much abashed, so that Master Knapp, when he came to reply, ingenuously confessed that if he were to heed meer reason he would (as Master Todd had in-'
vited him) withdraw his motion; but being sustained by a higher power, viz: by faith and. an inner light vouchsafed to him from Heaven, he bade us all be guided by him and vote to abolish Latin, languages, learn- ing, etc.; which however the major part of us declined to do. But whether our cause shall prevail at the end must now depend on a postall vote, and such a vote must in turn await the relief of the present postall siege; for Master Registrar (after grave debate) thinks not fit• to adopt your ingeniose con- trivance of a pigeon-service to all voters, lest irregularities occur,.some pigeons ending in pyes, etc., and the voting-papers being baked with 'em; which might be held after- wards to invalidate the count, and so breed inconvenience. Therefore we publick-spirited men must not relax our vigilance; for having prevailed in the first battle by our presence, 'twould be a shamefull thing to lose the fruits of victory by meer negligence; of which fault I trust that you will never have cause to accuse your loving brother
MERCURIUS OXONIENSIS
P.S. 'Tis a brave sight to see Mercury pre- siding again in Christ-church. I am in hopes that Master Dean and the Canons there will see fit to celebrate his restauration in the proper manner, viz: by some splendid cere- mony followed by a great feast, with Apician delicacies and choice wines; to which nat- urally I look to be invited, for we Mer- curies hang together. Truly the rejoyoing in that place is universal!: it recalls the blessed year 1660. I have seen a loyal! old college porter weep tears of joy into that delicate fish-pond.
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