SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 59
Report by J. R. Glorney Bolton
A recent article in the Spectator maintained that " if a wit com- posed a letter from Queen Victoria to her Prime Minister, Clement Attlee, he could mix trivial objection and outraged sentiment with robust COMMOII sense and penetrating judgement. Yet by no manner of means could he make the letter ring true." A prize was offered for such a letter, ringing as true as possible ; the subject of the letter to he either the Gambian eggs scheme, or the appoint- ment of the American Admiral, or the recent tactics of the Opposition.
Mr. Attlee should be thankful that Queen Victoria is not his Sovereign. The appointment of an American Admiral provokes both wrath and unexpected shafts of wit. Yet the Queen whom the entrants invented was even more formidable because she had a housewife's eye for the fallacies of State control and knew far too much about poultry to be happy at any time with the Gambian eggs scheme. Windsor seems to have been run like a model farm. " The Queen,". wrote L. E. J., " encloses, for Mr. Attlee's con- sideration, a note on the care of fowls dictated by Mr. John Brown who has for many years kept hens without loss (except in the case of table-birds). A little grit, as Mr. Attlee will see, helps to harden the shells, which should surely be obtainable in the Gambia." The Queen's concern for hens was matched by the consideration for ordinary people. J. R. Till can make her see in the Opposition tactics a " festival of prayer." But " cannot you persuade the Opposition to include the women cleaners of the House of Commons in your devotions ? We believe a blessing on mops to be as important as a purchase tax on pails." Many wits, however, ignored the aim of the competition. This was to refute the writer who recently declared that no one could compose a letter from Queen Victoria to Mr. Attlee which rang true. He is refuted by Margaret Usborne. She has caught the spirit of 1843 when the Queen protested to Peel against " the very unjustifiable manner in which the minority of thirteen members obstructs the progress of business." Except for the last two delightful sentences, the style of her letter belongs to the less flamboyant days when the Prince Consort was still at the Queen's side ; but it is authentic. Because their letters ring true, I award a first prize of £2 to Margaret Usborne and a second prize of thirty shillings to G. J. Blundell. The entry from A.M.S. is most entertaining, but it was a mistake to revive the Duke of Cambridge as well as the Queen, who never wrote a letter for her Prime Minister's amusement. Similarly, Miss H. M. Taylor should not have referred to King George III and the Prince Consort if a letter, ostensibly written in 1951, is to ring true. None the less, I think that A.M.S. and Miss Taylor deserve to share the third prize and to be awarded fifteen shillings each.
FIRST PRIZE
(MARGARET USftORNE) The Queen has been shocked to learn, by regrettably indirect means, of the irresponsible manner in which parliamentary business is being obstructed. She cannot but consider that this is a disgraceful procedure at a time when her Ministers should be presenting an example of dignity and efficiency to a much-troubled world.. The Queen is vexed and inconvenienced when Members of Parliament are detained at the House and cannot wait upon her when she desires it. She is also distressed to think of the physical sufferings of those wbo are old or ill and of the loss to family life through the continual absence of husband and father. Mr. Attlee and the Leader of the Opposition should both remember that tired and sick men are less reasonable and more stubborn than those who are well and fully rested. By this policy both sides are kepi from their beds. The Quccn wonders, in strict impartiality, whether in the present circumstances it might not be right for Mr. Attlee to offer her his resignation and so put an end to this obstruction. She implores him in any event not to bring on a crisis. The Queen really could not go through that now, with so many other difficulties to harass her. She hopes that Mr. Attlee's health is improving.
SECOND PRIZE
(G. J. BLUNDELL) The Queen feels herself obliged to inform the Prime Minister that she has learned with profound indignation of the action of her .Government in permitting the appointment of an Admiral owing allegiance to a foreign Power to assume the command. should certain contingencies arise, over a portion of her Navy. The fact that the nationality of the Admiral in question is that of a Power with which Her Majesty's relations are not only friendly, but markedly cordial, makes no difference whatsoever to the principle involved. Nor does the fact that the Admiral concerned is a man of integrity and honour, whose efficiency, moreover, is not in question.
Despite her extreme reluctance to do so, the Queen feels herself com- pelled to address a solemn remonstrance to the Prime Minister at what she can only describe as an outrageous betrayal of those qualities of National pride and self-respect without which the country cannot hope to survive the difficult period that lies ahead of it. The Queen hopes that she will not be misunderstood %viten she says that she is at a complete loss to understand how any Government pro- fessing allegiance to herself could have taken so grave a step with, apparently, such levity and lack of foresight. The Queen is grieved beyond measure at what she can only conceive to be an unprecedented insult to her Senior Service, and firmly requests the Prime Minister to reconsider the decision that he and his Government have so unaccount- ably taken.
THIRD PRIZES (A. M. S.)
The Queen nuts: remind Mr. Attlee that she has been given no proper explanation why a Field-Marshal of her Army should serve under an officer of the North American Republic, especially when the American officer appears to be of lower rank. The Queen is greatly displeased, and indeed alarmed, by this further, monstrous, proposal of her Ministers to put the Fleet under an American Admiral.
The Queen cannot suppose that the Fleet is without many capable Admirals, well-fitted both by experience and birth to command the combined Squadrons. If there were indeed no suitable Admiral on the active list, she would think it more proper to appoint H.R.H. the Duke of Cambridge, now Commander-in-Chief, and to arrange for the transfer of H.R.H. from the Army. In these dangerous days, so disturbing to the security of the Realm, it is very important to avoid making any concessions. The American Ambassador would surely not press his country's views in the face of an appointment from the Blood Royal.
The Queen must repeat that she is greatly displeased with Mr. Attlee's handling of the whole affair. Even Lord Palmerston, with all his faults, would not, she feels sure, have taken such a dangerous course. Advice so humiliating to the Queen and to her People has never been given before, not even by Mr. Gladstone.
(H. M. TAYLOR) The Queen does not know how to express to Mr. Attlee her Indignation at this appointment I She feels so angry that she cannot speak about the matter, which is too painful to her.
The Queen is quite aware of the difficulties which Mr. Attlee had to face, for she remembers that the Americans have opposed us before, and were indeed rebels against her Grandfather. She feels, however, that relations with them are much improved since that period, and she is sure that, if firmness as well as consideration had been shown, they would not have insisted on such an unsuitable appointment, and it could.have been avoided without impairing our friendship with them, which is of the greatest importance, to ourselves and to future generations.
The Queen cannot help remembering how very differently her beloved husband dealt with this same nation just before his death I Then. the Americans saw at once that we were right. What a contrast to the present lamentable occasion ! She is well aware that no one can fill the Prince's place, but the present debacle only shows once more what a terrible loss this country has sustained, which nothing can ever repair.
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