No. 1333: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for a letter of apology to a country house host plausibly explaining your discovery in an embarrassing, bizarre and apparentlY inexplicable position. My own most embarrassing apologY took place when friends left me alone in their country house for the afternoon. Thinking to please, I raked their pond clear of choking green weed and made a neat compost heap of the vegetable matter' which they returned to find me standing proudly beside. Why, they asked, hewn& ered, had I destroyed the only Japanese watercress in Gloucestershire? my ol°st embarrassing discovery as a host was " letter in my guest's room to his tailor, commanding a new suit, signed with 01),1 name in the role of his 'social secretarY Perhaps this competition struck a genera., sympathetic cord, because there several fresh names among the entries,: Being discovered in one's host's bed wit' his wife or opening his safe were the tvi° most popular contretemps, but in choosing the winners I gave preference to the unusual. Prizes of ten pounds go to the five, winners printed below. The bonus bottle o'

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Champagne Jules Mignon Brut (NV), Pred sented by Christopher Moorsom anrf Michael Alexander of the Chelsea Wha., Restaurant, Lots Rd, SW10 (351 0861), i" awarded to Lettice Buxton, whose letter begs for an illustration by Thurber. The best last sentence was John Doxat's: 'I sincerely apologise for the drowning of Your park-keeper during the struggle to get toe ashore — I shall certainly visit his Widow during my next weekend with you.'

• . . the whole point was once and for all to break through Jana's terror of human beings. I thought if only I could coax her into her kennel and then make friends with her on her level, then

might be able to communicate.

I realise that to you it seemed extraordinary that I should dress up in the library tigerskin and Frouch — extremely uncomfortably I may say — in her kennel, but it was the nearest disguise to a bulldog I could think of. I am truly sorry I gave You such a fright. I do hope your smoking jacket IS ruined by the whisky spilt down it. I feel awful! Please, Lionel, forgive me and don't banish me for ever from the portals of Malhamp- Ion. That I could not bear.

With love and so many apologies, Alice.

(Lettice Buxton) bear Lady Vane-Glorious,

To have found me belabouring your favourite aspidistra with a Nigerian war-club in the small hours would not, I admit, fill anyone with confidence as to the soundness of my mental faculties; a point you so eloquently made there and then. At the time it proved a trifle tricky to vindicate my conduct — spluttering rather than Uttering being the order of the day. However, the simple facts are these. Rather Mellowed by the excellent brandy after dinner, it Was hard for me to resist the Reverend's challenge to a round of improvised golf in your spacious drawing-room. Driving off from the hearth, using the aforesaid club as a six-iron, my shot went somewhat awry, landing in the rough, namely the aspidistra. My sporting honour at stake, there was nothing for it but to play the ball where it landed.

See you at Gleneagles? (Simon Wood) My dear Jasper,

I'd have explained at the time, but for the banana. Fiona and I were coming back from a midnight swim in your super pool and started fooling about in the Long Gallery. I got into this suit of armour, stupidly never thinking it was wired up to the burglar alarm. The alarm went, Fiona ran away and all I could do was stay put. Your people came and looked round but didn't spot me. I was terrified that if I moved I'd set it off again.

Fiona found me in the morning. I was peckish, so she opened my visor and gave me a banana, to eat without moving my hands. She also fetched me that chamber pot for — well — obvious reasons. She had gone to try and switch the alarm off when you came through with all those dogs. Thank you for calling them off. Penitently, Peregrine (A. P. O'Dowd) Dear Constance, I left in such a flurry last weekend that I don't believe you had time to take on board my perfectly simple reason for being discovered at midnight trying to break into your safe, wearing a T-shirt reading Princess Anne Is A Damn

Good ?%£'1' and swigging from a bottle of your Chateau Lafite. The point is, you see, some joker — I forget his name — had.suggested an Olympic athletes lookalike contest. Well, I plumped for Daley Thompson, of course. Apart from the outfit, the main thing I needed was obviously burnt cork, and the Lafite was the only source I could find — I suppose it was a bit of a waste, though. As for the -safe, I felt that one of your Krugerrands dangling round my neck would be the piece de resistance. Sorry about the misunderstandings, but I still think my appearance at breakfast would have caused

quite a stir. Yours, Gussie (Peter Norman) Dear Nobby, Super weekend. Pity it was so short.

Wish I'd mentioned Cynthia's research pro- ject on Arachnida nobilia before. Very rare these days — as I'm sure you know — but there, above your library chandelier, was a beaut — 3 inches across, complete with web. Ancient — probably came with the house! They're allergic to man-made fibres — so Cynthia says — even the plastic buttons on my pyjamas — but Cynthia wanted her. So it was off with the man-mades — every last stitch, as your good lady noticed — and out by rope from the gallery using that clever trick we did across the Union ceiling after Bumps suppers. Hadn't tried it for years — probably why it went wrong, leaving me swinging starkers before your astonished gaze. Sorry about the broken glass.

You took it very well. Hope Fiona's over the shock — she didn't say much in the ambulance,