Restaurant problems

Dear

Q. How does one assert one's rights over certain dishes when dining with a gang of people in a Chinese restaurant? It is tricky when you have agreed to share vegetables and rice, for example, but people just help themselves to your special dish as well. My boyfriend usually orders sweet and sour king prawns as a special dish, and as soon as it arrives on the table people just lean forward with their chopsticks and pluck the pieces out of it.

S.E., W11 A. Conspire with your boyfriend that in future when the dish arrives on the table you will immediately say in a loud voice, `That looks really good, Rory. Can I just taste a tiny bit of one of those king prawns? I know it's not fair as it's your special dish but just a tiny bit?' Your boyfriend should pretend not to hear so as to give you a chance to repeat your request and for the

rest of the table to take it in. In this way you will ensure that everyone else gets the message that the dish is for his private con- sumption.

Q. Can you suggest a foolproof way of catching a recalcitrant waiter's eye other than actually leaving the table and follow- ing him across the restaurant saying `Excuse me?'

H.M.M., Lincolnshire A. Pocket tennis games for children are available from most toyshops. The ball, attached by elastic, shoots out at the press of a button and the idea is to attempt recapture into the conical base provided. The ball can be aimed in the direction of a passing waiter with effective results, though, of course, having thus caught his eye, you would pretend that the discharge had been accidental and you were merely showing the device to your fellow diners.

Q. How do you avoid having to split a bill with a friend you have lunch with when you have just had avocado, mozzarella and Per- rier and they have gorged their way through three courses and wine? I know it seems petty but I am a student and am really broke.

P.W., W11 A. When going out for a luncheon such as this it is important to leave your cheque- book and card at home and carry only an amount of cash roughly commensurate to the amount you intend to consume. In this way, if you should be asked to pay for half of a bill, you can produce your money say- ing, 'Sorry, but I've only got ten pounds in cash, that's why I only had the avocado and mozzarella' — or words to that effect.

Q. How can one genially upbraid someone who is helping himself too greedily in a restaurant where the vegetables are shared in a communal dish?

G. W., Nairobi A. Why not bring him up sharp by saying, as he is preparing his load, 'Do finish it. I don't know about anyone else but I had plenty to eat last night.'

Q. I walked into a restaurant the other night and was put at a table right next to a friend of my father's. He was dining with someone who was definitely not his wife. I studiously ignored him despite the fact that we were not more than three feet apart. Was this the right thing to do?

C.S.C., SW// A. Yes, up to a point. In such a scenario it is usually advisable for those who wear

glasses to whip them off and others to pro- ceed as normal. As early as possible, how- ever, you tell your own dining partner in a loud voice that he will have to choose for you. You cannot read the menu, you shout, as you are as blind as a bat without your glasses or lenses.

Q. I have a dear but slightly masochistic friend who always insists that we meet for lunch at the Travellers Club as this way he can be sure that he will have to settle the bill as he is the member and not me. What should I do about this? I know he is broke.

A.B., W8 A. Next time your friend is settling the bill make a quick note of his bank's address and his bank account number. You can then go along and pay cash in anonymously to the account to make up for his over-gen- erous expenditure on your behalf.

Q. When someone is spoiling your dinner by talking in a loud and show-offy voice in a quiet restaurant, how do you get them to shut up?

G.R., SW3 A. Nip to the restaurant telephone box and ring a co-operative friend who is likely to be at home. Describe the personal appear- ance of the offending buffoon, then slip back to your seat. Moments later a waiter will approach the offender to announce that there is a call for him. Tut how could

there be?' he will perhaps expostulate. 'No one knows I am here!' The waiter will assure him that the caller has given his exact description. No doubt he will be curi- ous enough to take the call, at which point your co-operative friend, ringing from her own home, can gently tip him off that he is being irritating.

Q. I am a writer. I recently arranged to meet a friend for an early lunch at 12.45 p.m. I arrived at 12.30 and was shown through a virtually empty restaurant to a table right next door to where two other well-known writers were having lunch together. It was a sticky 15 minutes or so as I could hear every word they were saying and I felt that my presence was inhibiting them. We do not know each other well enough for them to have asked me to join them until my friend turned up. What should I have done? I felt I was spoiling their lunch.

P.P.R. W10 A. You should have immediately left your seat as though going to the loo so as to seek out the head waiter and describe your predicament to him. You would then slip back to your seat. Minutes later the waiter could have bustled noisily over, saying loudly, 'Mr Read, I have had a telephone call. Your party will be three not two. I will move you to a larger table.' He could then have led you off to a distant corner of the restaurant.