Lexicontumely

A Taxpayers' Dictionary published in France included the following definitions- 'Profit : What remains when the tax collectors have taken everything'; 'Taxpayer : (see "Accused")'; `Shopkeeper : A pest which should be exterminated.' Competitors were invited to compose half a dozen sample definitions for a dictionary designed for school-

teachers, civil servants, journalists, housewives, lawyers or actors.

I WISH every definition had been as tellingly brief as L. E. Honnor's 'Problem Child : Child.' Lexicographical irony should surely be terse. But there were some good things in a large entry. Teachers (Those Who get nowhere by degrees.' - Edward Samson) were to the fore, nearly half the competi- tors dealing astringently with schooling ('A war of attrition between the undersized and the underpaid.' - Granville Garley). Then came the housewives, bitterly re- assessing domestic science (`How to get a new loose cover out of an old tight-wad.'- P. M.), and a small group of civil servants. coming clean ('File: To lose.'-S. G. E. Lythe). On the whole, the law, the stage and the press maintained what 1 can only suppose to be a terrified silence.

No entrant hit the target six times. I sug- gest that £3 be divided betwcdn R. Kennard Davis and G. J. Blundell, who came nearest to doing so; and that the rest of the prize money be shared equally between Edward Samson, Martin Jordan, L. E. Honnor and Kenneth Cox, whose best shots, with those of the runners-up, are quoted below : SCHOOLTEACHERS EDUCATION: Pouring old wine into new ves- sels.

TEACHING: Instructing pupils how to use suc- cessfully that knowledge which, used unsuccessfully, produces teachers.

(Edward Samson.) CRIB: A necessary aid to teachers or a dis- honest help to pupils. (Douglas Hawson.) TERM: The shortest distance between tWo holidays. (E. C. Jenkins.) TEACHER: A person inadequately paid to im- part knowledge he has no time to acquire. (Mrs. M. J. Woodhead.) HOMEWORK: An examination for parents (A. J. W. I.) CIVIL SERVANTS NEAR FUTURE: Any time before the fore- seeable future.

FORESEEABLE FUTURE: Any time after the near future. (Kenneth Cox.) CONSIDERATION, UNDER : Not under considera- tion.

SNOW UNDER: To restrict the lunch break to two hours. (Commander C. G. Grill.) HOUSEWIVES NOTHING: Synonym for 'something' (Oh, n. at all. It's n., don't bother yourself).

SERVANT: Status claimed on forgotten anni- versaries (Just a s., Unpaid s.).

(Martin Jordon.) NANNIE: Device employed to prevent children getting one's goat. (L. B. W.) LAWYERS LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT: The splitting of heirs. (John B. McIntosh.) HOSTILE: Term applied to a witness who is proof against bullying. (D. R. Peddy.) PRIZES (a. KENNARD DAVIS) SCHOOLTEACHERS CERTIFICATED : past part., applied to teachers (`cert. m. or f. teacher,' syn. for school- master, schoolmistress, obs.), variant for 'certified,' i.e., officially declared insane, the ultimate condition of schoolteachers.

MINISTER OF EDUCATION: A functionary whose duty is to explain periodically the inability of the Treasury to provide funds for the increase of salaries.

SALARY (Lat. salarium, salt-money): A pit- tance enabling a schoolteacher who is worth his salt to purchase it, and little else.

EDUCATE: vb. To supply information en- abling the recipient to pass examinations. Educated, past pait, having passed exam- inations; deriv. Educational, adj. applied to books, films, etc., in pejorative sense : syn. boring. '

FORM : A document requiring completion by schoolteachers with laboriously acquired and useless statistics; deriv. Form-master, a teacher who has mastered the art of filling forms.

SCHOOLTEACHER A person who in the inter- vals of form-filling practises the art of educating (see 'Educate' and 'Certificated').

(o. 3. BLUNDELL) HOUSEWIVES WASHING-UP: A task that, by a polite fiction, is supposed to be performed by husbands.

SHOPPING: A drudgery usually undertaken in what is supposed to be the housewife's morning break.

MENDING: Something that the rest of the family consider it's never too late for the , housewife to do.

HOUSE-PROUD: What every housewife is said to be when she wishes to polish a floor instead of weeding the garden.

SLOVENLY: What every housewife is said to be when she wishes to weed the garden instead of polishing a floor.

LEISURE: A luxury that has practically dis- appeared since the invention of labour- saving machines.