"Spectator"- Conference for Personal Problems

The Importance of Trivial Questions

[The SPECTATOR Conference offers to readers a service of advice on personal problems in which they would like impartial help. The Editor has appointed a committee, the members of which are themselves engaged in the practical work of life; in one way or another .they have met, and are meeting, a great variety of problems in their own experience. They do not wish to be regarded as authorities ; but they give their good will and their knowledge to all questions which are referred to them. Readers' inquiries are dealt with in strict confidence ; they are seen only by members of the Conferences, and they are answered by private correspondence. Letters should be addressed to the Conference On Personal Problems, c% the SPECTATOR, 13 York Street, Covent Garden, W.C. 2.]

TnE problem of sex is often thought to be the most difficult problem of life—the subject above all others on which it is hard to take our fellow-human beings into our confidence. Our own experience, however, has been quite different. Sexual problems can be severe and troublesome, and there are great barriers to surmount before they can be spoken of in a simple and objective way. There are also many people to whom they really seem to represent the whole problem of life. But where there is a real hope that such problems will be met with understanding, men and women can often bring themselves to speak with great candour. They know they are facing a situation which has been difficult to solve for every man and woman among their fellows, and it is comparatively easy to feel that their confidences will not come as a shock to anyone who has a broad general experience of human nature.

The problems hardest of all to speak of are often ridiculously small. It is more comforting to feel that people will consider us sinners than to allow them to laugh at us as fools. It gives us a certain amount of pride, or a feeling of being in some way tragic, to be haunted by a large problem. Often a man would sooner confess an impulse towards cannibalism than a trivial defect of character such as excessive worry over money or an inability to get on well with people in his employment. Yet, often these trivial worries, in our interior life, are causing us a great degree of confusion, inefficiency, and even distress. There is nothing more difficult to face or even to catch a fair sight of than the inadequacies and frustrations we feel in our personal intercourse with friends or relatives. They may be souring our tempers ; they may unconsciously be producing grudges, estrangements and hatreds ; yet we may not even know ourselves that there is anything wrong.

To take another example, there can be few people in the world who are quite satisfied that their personal appearance s as excellent as their spiritual qualities deserve. Many -human beings go through the most poignant embarrassments in being self-conscious and fearing that others are always taking notice of their defects. Such an embarrassment, if it is brought into consciousness, may appear too small and foolish•' to mention ; and yet it may continue to make us awkward in company, to keep us in a quite unnecessary strain and to absorb energy which we might apply to more useful ends.

We have had many correspondents who have broken their reserve and asked for our advice on such matters as blushing, inability to give a good account of themselves in company, or shyness with the opposite sex. They have probably made great efforts to overcome their embarrassment ; but without -closer knowledge of their own natures they have merely -tormented themselves by trying too hard, and have still been unable to achieve any ease in their social relations. In such cases as these it will help us very much to have details which at first sight may seem irrelevant. It would be particularly valuable to learn, for example, what sort of a childhood they passed, whether they were at ease with their parents and their brothers and sisters, whether school life was happy, what difficulties they had to contend with when they set out in their careers, how they face the question of marriage and what experiences they have had to form their judgment upon.

It may encourage readers to write if we mention some of Mit' 'Problems in which we have been consulted. They are of many kinds ; and at first sight some of them may seem unimportant :-- (1) I have a son of 35 and a daughter of 30 who both live at home. They dislike each other very strongly and are always quarrelling. What can I do to make tAte home more tranquil (2) Ought I to let a friend know the true character of the girl he is going to marry ?

(3) Can you tell me how to get rid of my irrational fears ?

(4) I am a woman of 45 with an independent income. My parents, whom I have spent my life in looking after, have recently died. Can you tell me what sort of work I could now take up ?

(5) Ought I to marry a woman whom my parents do not like ? I am very fond of her and I feel torn between two different affections.

(6) Can anything be done for my brother ? He is in a mental home ; but at periods he is quite normal, and I cannot think that he is really insane.

(7) I am sure my father eats too little. He is a manual worker and very much exposed to the weather, but he obstinately refuses to take enough food. Is there anything I can do to get round his obstinacy ?

Perhaps some readers would prefer to set their problems anonymously and have them answered through the pages of the Spectator. We shall be glad to answer questions sent in this way, and we would urge correspondents to write in whatever manner they find easiest. At the same time it will be understood that we shall be rather restricted In our replies if they are given on this page. They • can never be quite so personal and confidential as the replies we send by private correspondence. The main part of our work must inevitably be carried on " behind the scenes " ; otherwise we should lose exactly the intimacy and the individual interest in our readers' problems which we hope to establish.

This week we are printing the actual reply we sent to a question which is often raised.

" I am a student at a University studying economies ; I inn new to the subject, but I find it very difficult to read with attention. Most of what I learn quickly passes out of my mind. Would you tell me how to increase my powers of concentration ?"

The Conference, would recommend you not to read in spells of more than half an hour at a time ; and not to go on reading when your attention is tiring. If you read after a heavy meal your attention will naturally be distracted.

There are two causes usually for such inability to concen- trate. The first is that the subject we are studying has not yet become alive or does -not seem to have any direct con- nexion with human interests. Economics is a difficult subject in this way. It is one of the most central of human sciences ; yet it takes some time before its bearing on human life can be seen.

The other cause, perhaps the more important, is that our mind is equally occupied with other problems, and we cannot so far resolve these that our concentration is left free for a new interest. In this case we are really, although it does not seem to us so, applying our minds with a very great degree of concentration to something. Unfortunately it is not to the subject that we feel the need of learning.

The remedy for this is to live a full social life amongst our fellow-students or the people with whom we come in contact, joining in external activities so that we are not considering problems at the wrong time, but have our attention naturally and spontaneously taken up by a great variety of happenings. We think it will be healthy for you if -you could find friends to talk to, breaking down barriers of reserve and spend some time in enjoying yourself and throwing yourself into activities quite apart from your special subject..

The lack of concentration is a very common phenomenon : indeed, it occurs to all of us in one way or another. It need not be taken with great seriousness. You will become more and more familiar with your subjects ; and many people who find themselves in similar circumstances to yours have succeeded 'Unexpectedly well in their examinations. ALAN PORTER.