We'll Keep a Welcome . . .

SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 446: Report by Buzfuz

Competitors were invited to pro-vide an extract from a novel or play in which a TV quiz winner arrives to take possession of Laputa, Wonderland, Prospero's Island, Mugg, Coral Island or Treasure Island.

IF the natives' reaction, as portrayed here, is any indication, winners of quizzes may consider Stroma well lost. Thus C. V. W. Wordsworth on the rocket-borne reception of the winner of Mugg :

`When did you see him?' demanded Ritchie-Hook, his nose like a sabre.

`When he was launched.'

`Launched?'

`Launched,' said the laird, decanter in hand. 'Found young Trimmer here and a couple of spare halber- diers. Found one of those things on a ramp. Tied him to it. General direction of Russia. Launched him.'

R. Kennard Davis's winner (of Prospero's Island), on the other hand, was, I thought, a trifle patronising and wrote in his diary : Apparently the music we heard was produced by radio, the work of a bright young spark nicknamed Aerial, a highly intelligent electrician who has promised to instal lighting in the house, on his own system. He seems a very independent fellow, who will need tactful handling!

I liked these and also H. B. McCaskie's account of the victor's background : Since winning Laputa Bert had lived in a rosy day- dream. He knew that its people had two ruling pas- sions, mathematics and music, and had he not been able to give the quizmaster both the value of pi and -in, the final question which he had so boldly invited -the Christian names of the oboists in the jazz bands of Land's End and John o' Groats?

As the winning entries are on the long side there is less space than usual for the report. Considering the fate of other contest winners, J. A. Lindon should count himself lucky to receive three guineas, and Rhoda Tuck Pook, Gloria Prince and Cinna one guinea each. Honourable mention : Barbara Roe, Russell Edwards, Nancy Gunter and C. V. W. Wordsworth.

PRIZES

A. LINDON) LAPUTA

• Lox DOWN IN ANGER

(From the play by John Swiftborne)

CLAIMANT (who has been fidgeting for nearly two hours while the King ponders a geometrical prob- lem involving eleven intersecting circles): Oh, fer chrissake! Tell his confounded ex-Maj I own the show, will you? Won it in the 1TA 'Land a Crown' Quiz. Tell him again. Keep on telling him.

(Flapper gently touches the right royal ear.) INTERPRETER (wearily): Clot lekul mograr Laputrad pilligol plog.

KING (his inward- and Upward-turned eyes still show- ing maiRly white): Sinul Lunthoglibb nobrug, uhuhuh?

INTERPRETER: His Majesty asks whether you know any corollaries of Lumboglibb's Theorem. CLAIMANT (angrily): No!

INTERPRETER: Clot niggnagg, huhuhu!

KING (scornfully): Snod. Clummadol snod. Bagstrod. INTERPRETER: His Majesty has no very high opinion of your intelligence. CLAIMANT (fuming): My subject is Film Stars, not figure-skating. Look, tell him again. Tell him I'm boss, fer chrissake! Hit him a bit harder, will you? Here, let me have a swipe! (Menials dreamily restrain hint as he grabs a bladder.) INTERPRETER (smiling): Clot glubnogstrubdalblob- dalclutch glob? KING (with a yawn): Glob! Bogtrud. Trikul bogirud. (Protesting rehentently, claimant is led of} to be cut into iso's'celes triangles.)

CURTAIN (End of Act 1.)

(RHODA TUCK POOK) PROSPERG'S ISLAND

PROSPERO: Whence had your people cognisance of us?

Swift: School, mostly. PROSPERO: Most wise extension of geography! SMITH : Oh, yes. I'm sent tocongratulate you as I've studied your island.

PROSPERO: Pray you, proceed.

And may felicity attend on toil.

Storni: Thanks. The isle being fun of noises, I haven't brought any Desert Island Discs. (No laughter being forthcoming, he continues hur- riedly.). What a Utopia! No closing time, no over- plus of females, free labour, insignificant labour disputes, cheap fuel—why, we'll out-Butlin Billy himself!

PROSPERO: Butlin Smart: Provides palaces. if not gorgeous; towers, if not cloud-capp'd. At a price. PROSPERO: Mine isle's the last resort of reverence And true philosophy— SMITH :Fine. Its an honour for me to meet you, sir, being a bit of a Rosicrucian and Theosophist myself since the Mystical Cults Quiz. After re-organisation, my directors would much appreciate any little regular demonstration you might choose to give— what a blurb for the brochure!

PROSPERO: My god-entrusted faculties reduced To exhibition and amenity?

Thunder, havoc, fall, extinguish him Forever into air, into thin air !

(GLORIA PRINCE) • WONDERLAND

'Herald, read the accusation,' said the King.

The White Rabbit blew three blasts on the trumpet.

opened the sealecIenvelope, and read:

The Queen of Quiz displayed her phiz Upon the !TA, So Coddle's 'FI7.2' could do good biz,

Anti stage a give-away.

The Knave of Quiz complained, 'That is Noi quite the answer, eh?'

The King of Qi'iz cried, 'Holy whizz! I've won a crown. Hooray!'

'Call the defendant,' ordered the King.

'Shakespeare Paragon Sly!' shouted the White Rabbit.

A curious scholarly creature stepped into the box. He wore long hair .and carried a pile of mystery

books under one arm. 'I didn't mean ' he began. 'Then' you should have meant,' interrupted the King, looking pleased with himself. 'You can't be Sly by accident.' 'Off with his beard,' screamed the Queen. • 'Nonsense!' cried Alice. 'Why, you haven't dis- covered—'

387 'Silence in court, or I'll have you buttered,' said the King, putting on his spectacles and looking vaguely in Alice's direction.

'It began with a quiz,' resumed the prisoner ner v o l is If y. Ofc course it did !' said the King. 'Double Your Plot and Win a Kingdom. Do you take me for a non.

looker? But you can't win my kingdom, you know.'

(ciNNA) CORAL ISLAND

'Come on,' said Otis, leaping ashore, 'Give witt the women.'

'Women'?' asked Ralph.

'Yeah, girls. Hula girls.'

Pause. Meanwhile, cameras whirred and the sea beat on the sand gently. `I'm afraid there aren't any girls,' explained Ralph 'This is a ripping place for boys, but, honestly, we haven't any facilities for girls.'

'No girls, son?'

The official explanation for the abrupt ending of the film was a processing fault, What actually hap- pened was that Otis flung himself without warning on the cameramen recording his arrival and threw them into the sea where they were eaten by sharks.

'I've been tricked,' said Otis. 'To think I could have chosen a new Cadillac every week for the rest of my life.'

He sat down on the sand crossly.

`Sir,' said Ralph, 'Do you mind moving a little? This is our cricket pitch,'