SPECTATOR COMPETITION No. 133 Report by Richard Usborne

A prize of £5 was offered for a Whitehall advertisement in The Times, in the Sapphic metre and in not more than four stanzas, inviting applications for the job of Head of the British Secret Service.

It was an amusing entry. But nobody found a way of being even slightly convincing. Heaven knows how it could be done. Couldn't the metre help a cryptogram? I toyed with the idea that it might be an announcement, pompous and deadpan, but beamed in the right direction (private means, good clubs, languages, knowledge of current affairs, &c.); then the cipher, as so often in Buchan. I went to the length of writing down, as first letters of my sixteen lines, BRITISHSECRETSER: and, as last letters, VICEHEAD- REQUIRED. Then, remembering that I was examiner; not com- petitor, I saved myself the week's work of filling in the interstices in Sapphics. Perhaps the Editor will let me set this competition again one day on those lines.

Meanwhile some good clean fun was had by all, with or without regard for stress and metre.

Experience in breaching iron curtains, Shootin' and fission (nuclear) are assets; Interest in birds must strictly be confined to Carrier pigeons.

It may console those who are unsuccessful To know that post quite frequently falls vacant. -- Applicants must contact Commander Highprice, M.I.5, War House. (D. R. PEDDY)

(HQBSS was placed in the War Office or Foreign Office with about equal voting. Only D. R. Peddy brought in the Navy.) Likely to suit a schizophrenic nature

Must be the soul of honour, but an able Forger or thief when patriotic reasons Seem to require it.

Former incumbent's sudden disappearance, Linked with the loss of valuable papers, Leave it in doubt if he is now the guest or Victim of Moscow. (G. M. GATHORNE-HARDY)

Guaranteed true-blues only are invited: State alma maters. (ALLAN M. LAING)

Must have served some time as an agent (secret): State for what country. (BERNARD WAKE) Excellent prospects for a public-school man, Bachelor, cultured, fond of foreign contacts;

Salary £15,000 at first, with

Annual increase.

Knowledge of conversational Rumanian . . . (&c.). (REV. P. A. SCHOFIELD)

Douglas Hawson listed as essential qualifications: . . . forgettable appearance, Uranium expert, handle Geiger counter, Qualified pilot.

R. Marriott suggested Pay by results (percentage of the takings) Generous grant for travelling expenses; Full compensation, if assassinated, Paid to dependants.

First prize (£3) to P. M.

Chief Office vacant British Secret Service.

None need apply unless a true vocation; Slight Scottish accent not considered drawback, Nor fallen arches.

Would-be aspirants must be over 50, Calmly resourceful, of a certairistatus . .

Show Savile Fare and certain Whitehall markings

Taken as sterling.

Knowledge essential underworld of Europe,

Subway and sewer, catacomb and metro; Methods preferred en amateur (see Wimsey) Not en Gestapo.

Send applications to the Foreign Office Where will be held an oral test of fitness (Questions of Poirot, P.C.49 and Buchan's "Greenmantle").

Second prize (f2) divided between R. Kennard Davis—

FOREIGN AFFAIRS: Her Majesty's Advisers Offer the post of Chief of Secret Service To the successful candidate, selected By competition.

Applicants should be poker-faced, saturnine, Hawk-eyed and thin-lipped, panther-like in movement.

Failure to set the jaws would be a grave dis- qualification.

Tests will include the swallowing of papers, Jewels, and beards, with knowledge of the signs which Mark the authentic countess from the blonde of Polish extraction.

Handling of poisons, codes and masked assassins, Skill in disguise and prestidigitation Are of importance. The remuneration Will be considered.

and R. S. Stanier=

Ministry (nameless) asks for applications For a high-ranking post of which the details, It is regretted, being highly secret, Cannot be published.

Applicants must be capable of running Organisation none of whose employees Knows any others: multi-continental Ramifications.

Knowledge of codes and cryptograms essential.

Skill at disguise considered an advantage.

Applicants also should be good at eating Letters and notebooks.

Salary, details, all at present secret, Will be divulged to candidate appointed: Likewise the pension due on reaching forty, If he should reach it.

Highly recommended (except that he read the question wgong) is Selah-

SIR:—1 have cosmopolitan relations; I was a language Specialist at Eton; I have been sacked from many institutions; I was at Sandhurst; I can shoot pips from playing-cards at Bisley; I am a wow at ciphers and acrostics; I can drink Vodka, Schnapps and Coca-Cola; I was a wet-bob; I can disguise myself as a suffragi; I can speak Hebrew, Dutch and Esperanto; I can recall the wiles of Mata Hari • (She was my grand-ma); I am a blend, in fact, of Peter Wimsey,

Hercule Poirot and Holmes and Lemmy Caution, And I must add the fact that I do not know Compton Mackenzie.