`I've Got a Little List'

el prize of six guineas was offered for verses, in a similar vein to those of the Colonel in Patience, on any of the following : a politician, a Post Office telephonist, a managing director's secretary, a Soviet Government spokesman, a Teddy boy.

WELL over half the entries were uncom- plimentary towards the examples chosen, and many were positively venomous. No boys, had anything good to say about Teddy tIcqrs, but managing directors' secretaries Were highly praised (by secretaries to Managing directors, perhaps). Lines on tele- Phonists were rather mixed, while politi- cians, who attracted the attention of the majority of the competitors, were whipped and ridiculed with only a lone word or two Penned in defence. Comment on Soviet spokesmen was generally non-committal.

Only those entries which bore a judicious sprinkling of proper nouns could be examined 'in a contemplative fashion,' and it was necessary to discard much good verse Which did not follow the Gilbertian original in this respect or metrically.

As for what might, in this particular context, be called 'the residuum,' I have awarded Leslie Johnson two guineas for verse that I think Sullivan himself might have admired, Amy Hollins one and a half guineas, with congratulations on the verbal athletics of her discourse, Eileen Tulloch one and a half guineas despite my impres- sion that telephonists were usually female, and L. S. C. one guinea. J. M. Prescott was a Worthy runner-up.

PRIZES (LESLIE JOHNSON)

A SOVIET GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN If

you wish to contrive, by some magic expedient,

Someone to speak for the USSR,

Just take a brief note of each proper ingredient, Some of them excellent, others bizarre.

The dogged persistence of Pirie or Chataway- Bluff of Poujade when defying the law— Assurance of Euclid (you can't argue that

away)—

Vagueness of Ramsay and keenness of Shaw—

(AMY HOLLINS)

A SOVIET GOVERNMENT SPOKESMAN If you want a receipt for this dogma-ed automaton, Try a tight walk on a line (if you can)— The rapid reverse of the Party pantechnicon- Molotov's force in pronouncing a ban— A kick of the kulak, booted and cossacky, Thick skin of Litvinov's Soviet Man— The squared deviation of ex-King Street Pollitky- Sway of an obelisk—curled astrakhan—

The pancaked polemic of steam-rollered theory,

Chip of the old Agitprop, not so be-ery- Humour of Pravda—Lenin, a touch of him— Soupcon of Stalin (there's been far too much of him) Bend of the knee, chapeaux bas, B and K!

Ah, would we could echo the same, C and At (EILEEN TULLOCH)

A POST OFFICE TELEPHONIST

If you wish to know more of this wonderful miracle, Master of magical telegraphese, Try a conundrum or problem numerical, He will expound them with greatest of ease. The pick of thesaurus and all of a lexicon— Coupled with knowledge of higher Chinese— The verve of a Frenchman and nerve of a

Mexican— Lore of Tibet or the Dodecanese—

The wisdom of Churchill, the octogenarian— Firmness of Bevan, the disciplinarian- The grasp of an Einstein, embracing infinity— Blindness to reason of all femininity— Gifts histrionic of Gielgud and Barrymore- Roosevelt's influence (no one could carry

more)— Ease of a Hibberd in taking the air— Dumbness at need of Sabrina the fair—

Joyce's obscurity, brilliance of Menuhin- Hint of McKay, the authentic and

genuine—

Throw in an aptness to misunderstand, And there is your spokesman all ready to hand.

Charm of Olivier—Laker, the skill of him— Swiftness of Campbell—and Beecham, a pill of him— Something of Nehru, and masses of Tito— Roaring 'Britannia,' snarl of `Mosquito'! Gather these fragments and try to dissolve then),

Steep them in triplicate dyes to resolve them, Fry them and dry them and soak them in beer, A Telephonist (Post Office type) will appear!

(L. S. C.)

A POLITICIAN If you want to assemble that butt-for-the- critical—

Member of Parliament (top of the poll), Take angel and devil and make them political, Mix them with Mendelssohn, Swing, Rock 'n Roll; The grace of Adonis; oracular deity; Serpentine cunning and meekness of mouse. With charm on the panel plus viewed spontaneity;

Pour them all on to the floor of the House. The silvered appeal of a Marcus Aurelius; Machiavellian writing or speech;

The Arts, via Rodin, Picasso or Delius; Take quite a generous portion of each.

The balance of Blondin and skill of Houdini'll Blend with the clowning of Monsieur Hulot; With magic from Merlin, allied to a genial

Patience when someone or other says 'No.' Take these components, dear critic, and see lf you're not a shade hard on your local MP.