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ISLE OF
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COMPETITION
Tall (or tiny) story
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1856 you were invited to imagine yourself transported to a Lilliput or Brobdingnag, the proportion of your size to that of the inhabitants being the same as Gulliver's, and to supply an account of an experience in one of them.
For the optimists, Brobdingnag was a challenge, but not a vertical one. D.A. Prince found it 'like Sweden on a Wagnerian scale, with a hospitable crowd, drinks-wise: huge gins, and ditto bubbles in the tonic — like drinking a jacuzzi'. For the pessimists, like Chris Tingley, it was a very rough ride: 'When the King pulled the bath-plug, I summoned up courage, timed my dive into the plug-hole and found myself pitched, bruised and soaked, into a garden, where, following a tussle with a (providentially male) spider, I took refuge in a nasturtium copse.' As for Lilliput, I was delighted by Noel Petty's social embar- rassment there: 'The inhabitants were so dedicated to the idea of Equal Rights that they affected not to notice that I was 12 times their height. This acceptance was welcome at first, but problems soon mounted.' The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky is peter Norman's.
The islanders, who live barely a sword's length from their continental cousins, guard their sovereignty with a preposterous insularity. No" the less, for purposes of trade they had earnestly desired a tunnel beneath the sleeve of water that separates them, and I gladly assisted them in its construction with my pocket-knife. But they have little faith in it: their tiny horseless car- riages crawl like so many sluggish caterpillars toward the capital, for want of proper track. Their highways, meantime, are thronged with the steel boxes with which, like spider-crabs, they protect their vulnerable bodies; they beetle hith- er and thither at a modest walking pace, to no discernible purpose. Curiously, while metropoli- tan captains of their society inhabit undistin- guished terraced dwellings, the lowest classes live in mighty, fortress-like towers, some of the grandest of which rise almost to my chest. (Peter Norman) The law-makers of Pillitul are in no way discom- fited by their pygmy stature, believing them- selves, indeed, to be moral and intellectual giants. They have an extraordinary versatility, being capable of singing, crawling, juggling, drinking, retching and breaking wind at both ends, and all at the same time; and for each of these functions they are handsomely remunerat- ed, Some have perfected the art of the contor- tionist, while others can do all these things while stripped of their nether garments. All are inno- cent of the sin of self-doubt. But it is in the answering of questions that they are most proficient, for though questions must be asked in the language of that country, the answers are always couched in an obscure tongue known only to a few privileged and fortu- nate persons, during which time the responder is standing on his head in a bucket of sand with his legs wrapped round his neck. (Watson Weeks) Through the upper window of the curious build- ing the Minister had assured me was the centre of government, the sight was unforgettable. In answer, apparently, to a question from one of the midgets, the First Midget politely explained how he had spent his day. At that point, with no warning, he and an opponent began to dance with rage and to hurl abuse at each other, sup- ported by monstrously rude shouts on all sides. I asked the Minister if personal combat would not serve as well to govern the country. He assured me that this invariable ritual, together with a five-yearly change of participants, effec- tively diverted popular attention from the per- manent officials who governed the country, and who even devised material for these quarrels.
I assured him that the citizens of my country would die rather than suffer the indignity of such rule. (Paul Griffin)
His Majesty set me level with his face, and asked me a variety of questions. When I had satisfied
his curiosity, he took me gently in his hands and delivered himself of these words: `From what I have gathered of your relation, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be, if anything, yet more pernicious than they were in 1702. Your race is still composed of odi- ous little vermin.
'I am happy to learn that Gulliver survived his ordeal and was able to relate his adventure in my kingdom. However, I must confess my disap- pointment that your people have not benefited from his story. Ignorance, idleness and vice are still the ingredients of your legislation.
`As for this atomic machine, please supply me with its latitude and longitude.'
I thought it wise to give him unveracious fig- ures, and so took my leave with all possible
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