No. 1318: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were invited to supply a jolting extract from a book of advice on child-raising of some future cen- tury.

The worst advice ever given on the sub- ject — 'Children should only be touched during accredited playtime' — was laid down in a popular American manual (Truby King?) of my youth. The soundest came from the childless Bernard Shaw: 'If you strike a child, take care that you strike it in anger, even at the risk of maiming it for life. A blow in cold blood neither can nor should be forgiven. If you beat children for pleasure, avow your object frankly and play the game according to the rules, as a fox- hunter does, and you will do comparatively little harm.'

Among your entries the laziest prescrip- tion was Rob Hull's: 'Put him in a darken- ed, soundproof nursery, connect him to the automatic dripfeed and lock the door for at least two years. Then, whatever happens, do not peep, any more than you would pull up a young plant to examine its roots.' The most energetic was Pascoe Polglaze's: 'To avoid such inhibitions, it is a sensible plan for both parents to bawl in unison with the child until it has decided there is no future in such a demonstration.'

The winners below get £10 each, and the bonus bottle of Blandy's 10-year-old Malmsey Madeira (courtesy of Hedges & Butler Ltd) is the property of Noel Petty.

Should the father be present at the birth? Nowadays this is not much done and we would not seek to encourage it. It is quite unnecessary, and is best seen as a sentimental hangover from

'It's the non-sexist version.' late attempts at male appeasement in the Pre: feminist era. After all, birth is essentially a faflier ly occasion which should be shared by and child with as few outsiders as possible. , However, there are stilt a few women who fed• a desire for the father's presence. All we w?ttis say is, do make sure the person invited reaa. the father — laboratory records are not in fa'r. ble, and several embarrassing cases have occur red. In general, the rule should be: only invite the father to the birth in the (nowadays rare) rase where he was present at the fertilisation. (Noel Petty) Are games between children permissible? Frankly, they are unavoidable; but the soon they stop the better. They develop the old fat' taste for personal contact. From pat-a-cake gre: draughts, rummy, and, eventually, cricket, fc'a ball, and war, drowning the hopeless cry of `Iciro your neighbour'. What is a computer for but t play games? By the age of ten, I should hope all games, the deed all unnecessary personal contacts, will haib'e ceased. These contacts are the first step on road to what used to be called marriage, a i fused state very unlike our modern controlled sexual encounters. Instituted in the name of love, marriage broke down in the twentieth eenttir)5;' because, as man should have known, it was g another confrontation sport. (Paul Griffin) nd This is the stage at which, with many boys 3,rf some girls, you are going to encounter a little unit; ficulty with masturbation. Numerous Paresis is have sought my advice on this and mY arts-„es. always the same. Punishment is out of the tl'elf. tion. If a child is disinclined toward„se is stimulation or the stimulation of peers, lite' the little that punishment will do to help. At best steel child will do it in a perfunctory or half-he

fashion. rse,

So what can we do? Example helps, of co. a supplemented by suitable bedtime stories, allot well-stocked 'aids' drawer; audiofeelers or cums should also prove effective. Do persist. A happy, confident and fa adult life depends on a rich self-love rePert°ei. and this starts, as we all know, at genital levt of So keep those little fingers busy — and (311

mischief! (Gerard Ben

s° Heroinal(e If you discover your child is using heroin,11/, re

sure that his or her 'kit' is sterilised betclio shooting up. Do not fuss or preach. Itlyon Videoprogram JKI2 for latest inforrnaticta street price and relative purity.

Herpes n the Once the 'sex plague' that caused panies 10- 1980s, this ailment is now easily controllew 01, put Videoprogram VD3 for details of treattae or It is best to avoid sexual contact with your so n daughter until the course is complete.

Incest

Sexual relations between close blood relatives Sexual to be known as 'incest', and were the sa, ject of many taboos, fears and old wives' tal,esoni even legal punishment. You may find that 1,,,r ay the toddler stage onwards your children their want to have sex with each other ancl/c)r,,t„cted parents. Do not make them feel hurt or rer

by raising 'moral' objections.

Individuality ; this If you suspect that your child is deve)oPLI-coh condition, contact the State Mental eoc) Bureau immediately on your local Emergost Videoline. It is not irreversible, but Y°111f, accept thatyou cannot deal with it yourse"vies)

(Basil Ransome-pa