COMPETITION

A nagrammatic

Jaspistos

IN COMPETITION NO. 1796 you were invited to compose a dialogue in which the words of each speaker in turn contain anagrams — of single words or phrases or both mixed.

This was designed for the flutters and the clever-clogs, and thought up to give me a rest — but still those entries poured in, and the checking of anagrams was laborious, however clever the clogs. Ba Miller and Bill Greenwell did well, but once again the winners were conspicuously easy to choose. In such a competition the phrasing is bound to be liable to misinterpretation, so I have allowed light breaches of what I had intended as the rules to be overlooked in the cause of anagrammatical amuse- ment.

The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Drummond's Pure Malt Scotch whisky goes to J.A. Bush.

A: I picked up a piece of Chelsea Ware in a shop in the Winchelsea area.

B: Quite an asset, I suppose, if genuine antique?

A: Indeed; and I almost got to panic mode when a piece of Capodimonte came up!

B: Caution at auction is surely necessary?

A: Too true! I was about to bid for this porcelain when the police ran in.

B: Hard cheese! So, he searched in vain!

A: Never mind! The thrill of the hunt serves to keep me alive. Must fly! I'm off to bid for a piece of Sevres.

B: Cheerio, my old china! Nice to have a chin-wag. (J.A. Bush) A: Gin in martini? No, thanks, I'll have ice instead as I tend to put on weight. Actually, I'm in training.

B: How come? Who told you?

A: Nobody, 1 just decided my girth wasn't right.

B: Well, you do carry a little fat aft. A: A little? See, feel the skin sink when you press here.

B: Not before lunch, old boy. Which, by the way, is cassoulet, so your slimming's a lost cause. Are you in any state to taste it?

A: I'm not absolutely tied to the diet. And grease rather agrees with me. About the gin: perhaps just a spot. No, don't stop . . .

(Noel Petty)

A: You advised me voice my opinion and so I've come to see you about altering my course in integral calculus.

B: But why? You've only to learn certain rules and your lecturer is an excellent teacher.

A: But on iterating my problems to him I am reminded that complex integration is based on simple ideas. I believe he thinks everyone is dim. Please let me change subjects.

B: Nonsense, you're quite sharp. Persevere at it and pretty soon you'll perhaps reverse your downward trend. One must make an effort. A: 0, fine then. If one must, one must.

(Frank McDonald)

A: Mr Beckett, viewers will immediately think of your stage debut, 'Godot'. A: What was your reaction to finding it so widely praised?

R: Despair.

A: And to the plaudits for 'Malone Dies'?

R: Some denial . . .

A: You're not fond of literati?

R: 0 fair title!

A: Are the critics who hold sway all hypocrites?

II: Their easy ways pall.

A: So you consider — as do / — 'media' as

myth?

R: Death is my aim.

A: Is that an answer to my question?

R: I do not swear it is.

A: You once telegraphed a literary critic in

Rome. 'Whore! Vain sod!'

I have no more words. (Martin Woodhead)

A: Emergency, sir. There's a carthorse stuck in the orchestra. B: What sort of carthorse? And how? Start at the beginning.

A: Clydesdale. God knows how it got into the theatre. It's there, at any rate, sitting on the oboist.

B: Have we got anything suitable in the proper- ty room, such as hawsers, winch, crane? Don't just gawp. Which? Answer, ass!

A: No, sir. Only some leg-irons left over from 'Pinafore'.

B: 0 hell! Just our luck. Hello, what's that noise?

A: It's booing. Shall I give the oboist gin or something to ease the pain?

B: No, call in the fire brigades now. And bring the curtain down, big-ears. (Hamish Macbride) A: I was a school-master; at least, I attempted to teach D-stream boys, packs of yobs, always ready to cheat and steal.

B: I was a village parson, alas, and had to deal with theft of lead by vandals, arson, pillage . . . a host of vile crimes by evil villains who should be shot.

A: By pure chance, as I retired, I managed to purchase a nice cheap cottage. There was spare ground full of lumps of clay, but planted pears, plums and a peach.

B: Since I resigned I've tried to redesign this garden plot, but I'm tired and shall, ere long, depart.

(0. Smith)