YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. I was invited for lunch in a decent-look- ing French restaurant by a chap from a well- known investment bank. His secretary tried to phone me six minutes before the appoint- ed hour to advise me that he had been taken ill that morning, couldn't speak and there- fore couldn't make it. As she couldn't get hold of me, she came to the restaurant to inform me, profusely apologising as I mut- tered the usual platitudes about the unfortu- nate incapacitating effects of his affliction. Having left the establishment in search of the nearest McDonald's, it struck me later that the appropriate response to being stood up would have been to say, 'As it's so diffi- cult to get a reservation here, my wife would never forgive me if I wasted it, so I'll just give her a ring to see if she's free while you sort out the tab.' However, not wishing to be churlish, Mary, what should I have done? CL, Tokyo, Japan A. To an independent onlooker it would seem obvious that you were the intended beneficiary of an elaborate set-up, the pur- pose of which was to propel you into physi- cal congress with the secretary concerned, who has clearly conceived a romantic attach- ment towards you. Perhaps she was stalking You independently, perhaps her boss was colluding with her to bring about a scenario where you might find yourself developing a similar attachment towards her. You were supposed to invite the secretary to join you for lunch (`As you're here. . . ', etc.). But men, sadly, are much dimmer than women about these things and it probably never crossed your mind to do so. Just as well, per- haps, as you indicate that you are married. Nevertheless, your account of the incident will be of great interest to those readers who may have crushes on colleagues of their bosses or even on male friends of their pla- tonic friends, and who will be inspired by it to set up possible forced bonding scenarios of their own. In the meantime, while it would have been quite reasonable for you to ask the restaurant to hold the table while you rounded up your wife, it would normally be considered crass to say 'while you sort out the tab'. This would have indicated an undignified level of greed which would have reflected badly against you on a personal level in normal circles, although, perhaps, favourably in banking ones. Q. I am the priest of a new and growing Anglican church here in Cape Town. It has a generally 'upwardly mobile' congregation, who take a great delight in using cell phones at any opportunity. South Africans, generally, are very wedded to these machines — partly as a result of an ineffi- cient national telephone system and partly out of a 'New Nation' desire to impress. Cape Townians even describe them as `Jo'burg earrings', as many from that town carry two at any one time. My problem is their continual ringing in church services — particularly during Communion. Repeated requests, sometimes humorous, to turn them off, as well as threats, seem to have had no effect on the congregation, which in every other way is helpful and obliging. Do you have any advice for me?
The Revd R.F., Cape Town, South Africa A. Your requests will continue to fail on stony ground. Self-dramatists will always consider themselves immune from mobile disciplinary procedures. You must either position churchwardens at the door to take custody of the mobiles in exchange for a hat-check-style docket enabling recovery after the service, or simply call in a security firm of the type which erects electronic screens around certain railway carriages to prevent mobile nuisance of this sort by making connections impossible.
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