THE SECOND DELUGE
By CEDRIC WALLIS
All unsuspecting, the world slept. The clouds, pendulous with unshed rain, awaited the sign from a justly indignant heaven that should reduce the sound and fury of misguided mankind to quietness and peace.
In the meantime, the Council of the League of Nations met at Geneva to decide upon the course to be pursued. After due consultation of the precedents laid down in the Book of Genesis, experts pronounced that modern science had no better expedient to offer than the building of a suitable boat (or ark) to house the League Council and its staff until such time as the flood should abate. Plans for general rescue-. work were also discussed, but finally abandoned, as it was decided that the most important thing was to save the League itself and let the nations make their own arrangements. If, in the event, they failed to do any such thing, it would be nobody's fault. In fact it was felt that a reasonable modicum of wholesale drowning would enormously increase the League's chances of maintaining world-peace and facilitate its work in many ways. Applications would be considered for the inclusion of certain privileged persons, not members of the League Council or upon its staff, such as wives and the like, but members were asked to remember that accommodation was strictly limited.
A suggestion that the all-important vessel should be per- sonally built by those destined to occupy it was vetoed as an unnecessarily literal following of scriptural precedent likely to result in unseaworthiness. The work was, therefore, entrusted to a well-known firm of Clydeside shipbuilders. Criticise the Scots as one may, and assuredly they have their faults, their ships are almost always beyond reproach, and,-, as the Italian delegate remarked feelingly, they are in many ways more reliable than the English. Their task on this occasion was as unusual as it was important, for the ship (or ark) was to be erected upon the summit of Mont Blanc, the last European point which the flood would reach. The men engaged on the building operations would subsequently be received on board as crew and repair staff.
The discussion of the complete personnel of the expedition was naturally long and arduous. Only the particularly threatening aspect of the clouds brought it finally to a close, with nobody entirely satisfied except the English. But that is true of almost any conference. Each member State was to have one delegate upon the good ship ' Peace,' together with such official and domestic satellites as should be allowed him by the Council. Upon this announcement, Germany hastened to rejoin the League, being anxious, in her large- hearted way, to preserve her Kultur for the new world that would arise after the deluge. Mr. Baldwin (it happened before his translation to another place) was, by a large majority, elected to play the part of Noah and captain the vessel, though a considerable minority was said to favour the claims of Mr. John Gielgud to this position. Feeling ran high when the question was mooted of including the Pope in the party, objections ranging from a dislike of parsons, in general to that of one of the men at work on the. ship, whose home-town was said to be Domoch. He threatened to strike, unless the suggestion was immediately withdrawn, and, being a man in a key position, his views carried more weight than would otherwise have been the case. The matter was finally settled by the extension of an invitation to the Vatican to send an unofficial representative to join the expedition.
This was coupled with a separate intimation that, if His Holiness could spare the time, his mountaineering experience would doubtless be invaluable, during the arduous descent of Mont Blanc, when the flood was over.
The rains descended more suddenly than was expected, and the consequent frenzied scuttle from Geneva to the top of the chosen mountain was hurried rather than dignified. After some crowding at the gangway, however, the whole party was safely embarked. The British delegation was first at the Purser's office to make sure of its cabin reservations, which were naturally all amidships.
Perhaps it was the scriptural character of the occasion that had caused the Council to decree that upon the ' Peace' as many lions as possible should be invited to lie down with the most uncongenial lambs that could be provided for them. Though laudable in intention, this led inevitably to a good deal of minor disturbance. Signor Mussolini, for example, constantly besieged the supply stores for Eau de Cologne and Keating's Powder, both of which he said were essential to the comfort of anyone sharing a cabin with the amiable but perhaps rather unkempt representative of the ex-Lion of Judah. Again, Monsieur Blum complained of Herr Hitler's insistence upon the necessity of keeping up his spiritual strength by playing Wagner very loudly on a portable gramo- phone. He himself would have preferred (very properly) to worship at the shrine of the Entente Cordiale by playing the music of that great cross-channel composer, Noel Coward. Captain Noah Baldwin, appealed to in this latter dispute, displayed the wisdom of a Solomon, characteristically coupled with the sense of fair play of an English public-school man. He confiscated the portable gramophone and prescribed reading aloud, turn and turn about, from the works of Mary Webb, a full set of which he had thoughtfully supplied to each cabin. It was observed later in the day that the strains of " Land of Hope and Glory " were melodiously apparent in the vicinity of the captain's cabin. This decision did not exactly delight Monsieur Blum, much less Herr Hitler, but it did have the desired effect of nipping their disagree- ment neatly in the bud. Sweet are the abuses of diplomacy, as Mr. Baldwin reflected, luxuriating in a hot bath and the rich harmonies of Elgarian imperialism.
The waters rose and rose and rose, till they were halfway up the snowy slopes of the mountain. On board the rescue ship, all was superficially couleur de rose, with the trifling exceptions lately mentioned. Lions and lambs frolicked together at deck-tennis or made merry over interminable rubbers of bridge. But seeds of disaster lurked in the surging bosom of Signor Mussolini, that dark prophet, born for misunderstanding, as the sparks fly upward. Already, it began to rankle in his mind that the glory that was Rome should now have dwindled to the half of a cabin, eight feet by six, the other occupant of which was, to put it mildly, uncongenial.
On paying a chance visit of inspection to the stokehold, he observed a number of lengthy steel screws left over from the constructional work on the ship. From these seemingly innocuous objects, gradually but surely, a plot took shape within his consciousness. On the pretext of needing some physical outlet for his boundless energy, he obtained the unsuspecting captain's leave to work, from time to time, with the stokers. Gathering from them by subtle questions much useful information about the anatomy of the ship, he bided his time and ripened his intention, in the meanwhile keeping a jealous eye upon the pile of screws destined to be so very germane to his purpose.
When the waters were lapping about the very summit of the mountain, he seized a conveniently private occasion to screw the vessel firmly down upon its rocky resting-place. Let the water rise higher, the good ship ' Peace ' should not rise with it ! Signor Mussolini repressed a chuckle, as he ascended the companion-way.- Up and up he went, till he reached the deck. Peering over the side, he saw that the water was now well above the plimsoll line. The screws held firm. The vessel stayed where it was, but the water rose.
Crossing the empty deck, the Italian delegate approached the seaplane that was moored upon it, the modern equivalent to the dove of Genesis. Having made a surreptitious but none the less thorough examination' of its stores of food and fuel, Mussolini leapt like a chamois into the cockpit and roared away over the deep. At last, he thought in exultation, the world was made safe for Italian expansion. He inci- dentally reflected with satisfaction that the flood would give the Eternal City a much needed and inexpensive wash. Three days later, the good ship ' Peace ' had disappeared, but the seaplane still circled aimlessly about. One of the floats was faulty, so that it couldn't safely come to rest upon the water. An anxious eye upon the petrol gauge told that the supply of fuel was almost exhausted. Was Mussolini to join the rest of mankind in limbo ? Apparently he was, for when the final forced descent was made, the faulty float promptly filled with water, so that the machine capsized and sank, without more ado.
Now, and only now, a perfect peace descended on the world. Nothing was visible upon the vast face of the waters but one small canvas canoe. In it, under an umbrella, sat George Bernard Shaw, at work upon his new play, a drama of the sea for one character, entitled " Solitude, the Only Safe Solution." As he wrote " Curtain " to the second act, he withdrew a well-formed brazil nut from a cellophane bag at his feet, and bit into it, pensively. Was it possible, he wondered, that he had once valued an audience for its size ? The perfect audience was, of course, the audience of one. The sun came out, and he thought it very warm for the time of year. Fortified by the strengthening rays and by his luncheon, he made his usual confident start on the third act. The water began to recede. The second Deluge was over. Mr. Shaw quietly celebrated by eating another brazil nut.
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