YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
As a Christmas treat Mary has once again invited some of her favourite celebrities to share their intimate anxieties with readers.
From the Duke of Devonshire, Chatsworth, Derbyshire
Q. According to the Daily Telegraph, the government is considering legislation forbid- ding clubs to be men only. As chairman and proprietor of Pratt's Club, often described as the last bastion of male chauvinism, I would be faced with a problem should this ridicu- lous piece of legislation deface the statute book. I do not think even Mr Blair would wish to compel me to shut the club for ever but what other solution is there, Mary?
A. On the contrary, Mr Blair would probably welcome the shutting of the club. Like Ceausescu he knows that brainwashing of the populace, and therefore total domina- tion, is easier once a people has been robbed of its identity through the removal of all tra- ditions. Outwit him by appealing to co-oper- ative bedbound or otherwise disabled female friends to apply for membership. In this way you could make up the female quota, if the threatened legislation comes to pass, without any danger of any of them ever attending.
From Alain de Botton, London SW1 Q. As an author, I'm frequently invited to read in bookshops and sign copies of my work afterwards. Many of those seeking sig- natures are much older than me or mar- ried, but, occasionally, there are delightful young women around my age (30), some of whom have glasses, chestnut-coloured hair and shy/melancholic/thoughtful expressions (to which I am very partial). In these book- shop situations one is supposed to discuss only literature and behave in a formal and slightly distant way towards readers. How- ever, the beauty and obvious intelligence of some female readers has in the past made me long to go beyond the normal rules. And yet I'm worried that this could come across as a shameful abuse of trust (the author-reader relationship being not unlike the doctor-patient or teacher-student one); or as simply sleazy and disgusting. Is there a way to convey to some of these readers that my interest in them might stretch beyond a signature — without offending them unduly should they be horrified by the idea (my appearance has in the past been compared to a reptile and on one occasion a mole)?_ A. Address the next such young woman in a businesslike manner, saying, as you sign, 'I'm asking every 20th book-buyer whether they could fill out this questionnaire to help me with a readership survey. Are you free?' Should she be agreeable, invite her to sit down beside you at the signing table and do it there and then. 'Take your time,' you can say. A selection of questions as to what exact- ly a reader gets from your work and what else he or she would like from it can be care- fully composed not only to reveal likely intel- lectual compatibility but also so as to subtly elicit an answer to 'Would you welcome fur- ther direct contact from the author?'
From Sophie Dahl, New York Q. My problem may seem trite but it is caus- ing me a great deal of stress and affecting my normally active social life. I moved to New York four months ago from London to pursue my modelling career. My flatmate is an Englishman whom I adore. He's bright, funny and very tidy. His flaw? He's a hack. My every move is written about, and urftess I speak in hushed tones my telephone con- versations immediately appear in gossip columns around the world. Because of his last piece people have assumed I'm having an affair with his 84-year-old father, much to the chagrin of my boyfriend. Recently I was gossiping with a girlfriend of mine (who's a supermodel) while I was in the bath (she was sitting on the loo) when sud- denly the door crashed open and my flat- mate ran in clutching an Instamatic and shrieking `Smile His antics are not amus- ing or playful; they are intolerable. The phone is becoming more silent by the day, the glamorous party invitations are waning, and relations are becoming strained. Please help.
A. The only solution is that you should feed your flatmate a huge amount of totally false stories about yourself. In this way you will undermine his confidence in what he dare or dare not report for fear of being discred- ited as a reliable journalist. You should perhaps also consult an analyst to see if there is any small co-dependancy problem at play whereby you might be unconsciously deriving guiltless pleasure from the publicity he has generated about you, without having seemed to have conspired towards it. '
From Patty Palmer-Tomkinson, Dumrner, Hampshire Q. A recently widowed friend from South Africa is spending Christmas with us and has asked to bring Arthur, her new best friend. I now learn that Arthur is a four-year-old gorilla who has become her rock and main- stay since losing her husband some months ago. When I inquired as to Arthur's special needs, I was assured he is a very easy guest with no unusual dietary requirements, who likes to be treated just like everyone else. While I am delighted to indulge Arthur's apparent passion for washing-up and watch- ing videos, I was somewhat taken aback to be asked whether he would need his dinner jacket as one can always do with an extra man round the dinner table. So useful, she said. The last thing I want to do is offend my friend or, worse still, Arthur, but please Mary, I think I need some guidance — for example, should Arthur sit on my right?
A. Arthur is obviously quite exceptional but even so may still find conversation at table something of a challenge. He should there- fore sit on your right and, since they are not technically a married couple, his companion can sit on his own right. The talking problem can be overcome by giving Arthur very com- plicated food such as artichokes or lobster. His strength will be very useful for cracking claws and these dishes will fascinate him far more than the rather banal bananas which he has probably been served on so many occasions.
From Marcus Armitage, Faringdon, Oxford- shire Q. I am a hard-working journalist, jockey and MFH, and after my usual daily exer- tions I tend to feel exhausted. I have a terri- ble problem with being able to stay awake after dinner, and have fallen fast asleep in public in all sorts of social situations. Mary, what can I do to prevent this?
A. Paint your fingernails with Stop 'n' Grow nailbiting corrective. When sleep begins to steal over you, simply suck one or all of your fingers. The vile taste will bring you swiftly to your senses and ensure that no further happy reveries are possible.
From Dr David Starkey, London Q. Whenever Janet Daley and I try to sug- gest corrections or improvements to Michael Buerk's introduction on The Moral Maze he flies off the handle. This is dis- tressing for everybody. Can you suggest how we might sugar the pill? We would be so grateful as it would help to make the programme better and the post-programme dinner a more agreeable occasion.
A. Conspire that an expert on anger-man- agement should appear as one of the wit- nesses on the programme. Encourage him to join the dinner, where he could sit next to Mr Buerk and have an opportunity to bond with him and perhaps introduce a few thera- peutic notes into the conversation.
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