YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. . .
Q. Having invited two old friends to lunch, I was irritated to see them bearing little pack- ages of food, claiming that they were both suffering from `food intolerances' and so had brought some provisions along as they would almost certainly be unable to eat much of what I had prepared. They then picked their way through the superb (though I say it myself) lunch on offer, supplementing here and there with their own fetish foods but they weakened when I brought out some extremely expensive Swiss chocolates. After reference to the diagram, they agreed amongst themselves that there were certain sweets to which they would not be `allergic', and they tucked in. They added that since they had eaten so little of the preceding courses it would be all right for them to have three or four chocolates each. The conse- quence was that I, having allowed them to take 'allergy precedence', was left with the Only two chocolates I can't stand: the one with nougat and the one with cherry cream filling, for myself. How should I have cur- tailed their excesses, Mary?
PA., London W1 A. It is a sensible precaution, when offering chocolates to alleged food allergy sufferers, to hide the guide and claim to have thrown it away. `Oh, it's right at the bottom of the rubbish bag,' you can lament. Did you real- ly want me to go through it or can you just take pot luck. . . ?' With no means of know- ing which potential nugget of paradise con- tains the most 'toxins', your guests will find it simpler to wave the whole box aside.
Q. Ref. p.v. pronunciations, may I mention arse, as in 'he made a perfect arse of himself? At the same time I think that a donkey is pro- nounced ass, which is the way that Americans pronounce arse. This can be confusing.
P.B., Llandrindod, Powys, Wales A. Yes, yes, thank you for writing. Personal- ly I prefer the expression 'back bottom' to the one you mention. Equally, where 'front bottoms' are concerned, I feel that the term `cracker' is probably the least offensive of the euphemisms in use in civilised circles at the moment. Hence, in the last ten days or so, 'I expect George Michael must have been pulling his cracker,' as one mother was forced to admit, when questioned by her teenage daughter.
Q. My daughter is threatening to go back- packing around the world during her gap year. I am desperately anxious. Is there anything I can do? I cannot stop her legally as she will be 18.
Name and address withheld A. Why not hire an out-of-work actor to shadow your daughter around the globe, paying him roughly what he would receive in 'rep' or as an 'extra' for the same period? As only one in 250 actors can expect to get a part during the forthcoming year, a num- ber of burly young men should leap at the chance to do undercover work of this man- ner, which would require them to call upon their self-disguising, kung fu and physical endurance skills, to say nothing of the opportunity for method acting.
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