SPECTATOR COMPETITIONS—No.

Report by Vernon Bartlett

State in 200 words how any one of the following would be likely to vote at the forthcoming General Election, and why: Florence Nightingale, John Wilkes, Shelley, Wat Tyler, a Runny- mede Baron, Titus Oates.

SHOULD prizes be awarded rather for erudition than for the power to amuse ? This problem has worried me ever since I was fool enough to set this competition. I have settled it by giving the higher marks for the amusing and the unexpected because I should anyhow be too poor a judge of erudition. D. Jacobs, for example, submits an'explanation of the Runnymede Barons' support of Mr Churchill in a Latin which is, frankly, too complicated for one like myself, who was engaged in blowing up the school laboratory (in innocent preparation for the hydrogen bomb) by pouring hydrochloric acid on zinc and then lighting a match to see what happened. A less ignorant friend, however, assures me that D. Jacobs should be highly commended.

The entries that carry the strongest conviction of accuracy are, not unnaturally, those concerning the politics of Florence Nightin- gale ; the most entertaining deal with King John and his barons. The others were few and rather disappointing. Gordon Shoppee is convinced that, despite their " talk of Christian principles and family life " and an admirably apt quotation on the right to inherit wealth, the Socialists would have won Shelley's support. His sup- port, but not his vote, for he would have been in Italy on polling day. " He loved the People of England, but they were never more than the distant object of his moral indignation Now, reading his New Statesman in the enchanted Neapolitan hills, how could he doubt that they were in good hands at last ? "

A little to my surprise, competitor,s divided Wat Tyler's votes equally between Conservatives and Socialists. But R. B. Browning settles the matter by obtaining Wat Tyler's own statement in an interview—in the course of which the famous revolutionary " smoked about thirty Russian cigarettes "—that he would vote Communist every time.

At Mr. Dingwall's suggestion, Titus Oates writes me a letter to explain why he, too, would vote Communist. Deserted by the Liberals, flogged by the Tories and robbed of the advantages of his State pension by the rising cost of living under a Labour Govern- ment, he would see no other way of obtaining his revenge " against all who ill-treated me—the Church, judges, Tories, Liberals and trade unionists."

According to Mr. K. Braine-Hartnell, Florence Nightingale, after some severe comments on Socialist treatment of nursing as a career rather than a vocation, would stand as an Independent candidate. Both the Editor of the Spectator and I—as Independents in the last Parliament—would have found her a less pleasant neighbour than that gentler, but no less persistent, reformer, the late Eleanor Rathbone. D. I. Beaumanoir-Hart, on the other hand, pictures her driving off with Sidney Herbert to vote for the Labour Party, since she is convinced she could " manage " Aneurin Bevan. To Herbert's timid objection that " Bevan is violent ; he has recently described his opponents as lower than vermin," her answer is characteristic. "Capital! With such a man to support me, what could I not achieve ?" R. Kennard Davis adds an apocryphal page from Eminent Victorians to explain how Mr. Shinwell's Christian name and interest in the soldiers' welfare would have aided her conversion to Socialism.

I much enjoyed the arguments of the various Runnymede barons. Miss Y. E. Weir proves conclusively that the nationalisation of the railways is contrary to clause 30 of the Magna Carta, which pledges that no vehicle belonging to any freeman shall be taken " for transport duty against the will of the said freeman." Also she invalidates part of my competition by reminding me that barons and other peers of the realm are anyhow disqualified from voting. Most of the barons would apparently have voted Conservative, and J. F. Powell finds remarkable similarity between the Conserva- tive manifesto and their own Magna Carta. However, Miss C. H.

Murray's own, baron—William, Count of Warenne—can quote several convincing extracts from the same document in support of free trade and other traditional Liberal doctrines.

Douglas Howson came near to winning the prize by his un- expected vindication of the old argument that history at least resembles itself. Robert Fitzwalter himself is made to argue thus: " For Labour, which has stormed our castles in the name of nationalisation, I have a lasting hate. For the Liberals I have the instinctive dislike of the strong for the weak. I shall be expected to vote Tory, but I cannot conscientiously support a Party which is so zealous for the peasant and serf." In these circumstances, Baron Fitzwalter will vote Communist, " and trust in my own strong arm to carve myself a niche as a baron of the New Order."

" Independent's " election address from John Wilkes, I think, deserves five pounds as being the most accurate self-revelation of an amazing man. Here it is:

A General Election at last presents a remedy for the atrocious mischiefs under which our Beloved Country languishes. But which among the four selfish and rapacious Factions that solicit our votes with such insolent effrontery may deserve our Confidence ?

Certainly the present PROFLIGATE AND MALIGNANT ADMINISTRATION MUST BE UTTERLY REJECTED AND EXTINGUISHED. Nor may we support those contemptible and odious TORIES, the lineal descendants of that ignoble NORTH BRITON whose tyranny I once struggled to expose. A mean and ridiculous Rump of WHIGS, moreover, merits your just scorn as much as those few execrable scoundrels who seek to MURDER LIBERTY in her own name.

Let us then match Purity against Corruption and outface Squalor with Loveliness!

One hundred and fifty years of intercourse with the HEAVENLY ANGELS have but confirmed my celebrated ascendancy over their EARTHLY SISTERS. I propose, therefore, personally to conduct 625 of the FAIREST BEINGS IN THESE ISLANDS to the Hustings, there to supplicate your votes in the IMMORTAL cause of FREEDOM. An "ESSAY ON WOMAN " once deprived me of Liberty. That an " ESSAY WITH WOMAN " may restore that Priceless Possession to a GLORIOUS AND UNITED NATION is the earnest Prayer of

Your Obedient Servant, JOHN WILKES.