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COMPETITION
Silly season
Jaspistos
IN COMPETITION NO. 1945 you were invited to provide an imaginary news item appropriate to the 'silly season'.
A quick glance through my Sunday newspaper confirmed that reality never lags far behind fiction: 'Anglers throw mag- gots at a restaurant boat disturbing canal fishing at Basingstoke, Hants', 'Eton to auction stuffed snow leopard'.... A huge entry transported me to the world of Beachcomber and had me wondering what exactly 'the Anti-Gravity League' gets up to, and what a day in the life of 'a consul- tant trampoline designer' is like. The prizewinners, printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Isle of Jura Single Malt Scotch whisky goes to W.J. Webster. Innhale and hearty Customers at a South Ovenden pub have been amazed to find the 'tobacco-free' bars filling up with smoke at night. But there's no need for alarm. It's all part of a scheme by landlord Gary Gurney to restore some traditional pub atmo- sphere. 'When we banned smoking', says Gary, 27, 'and changed the name from Star and Garter to Nuts and Crackers, some of the regulars felt a little negative about the new format. So this is to help them feel more comfortable with it. The brewery imports the smoke from Finland. It's guaranteed non-toxic and won't cling tel clothes.
During the evening we gradually pump it in through special cigarette and ashtray moulds on the tables. The clients love it.' Commented Walter Winkle, a regular for 40 years, 'It must be good when you can't see the landlord for smoke at the end of the evening.' (WI Webster) Is the parish of Wincing doubly blessed, or is it getting two vicars for the price of one stipend? Is the incumbent a short, fortyish chap with a receding hairline or a petite, matronly blonde? As Revd Hilary Isomer explains, it's quite sim- ple: 'I decided to make use of my gender- variable Christian name.' Revd isomer's com- munion services start with a male president, as a sop to the hardliners of his congregation. Then, midway through the distribution, a quick visit to what local wags have dubbed the VansvestrY means that the service can be concluded by a woman. The speed of the transformation is impressive, with one bemused communicant commenting, 'It's a miracle.' The greatest sur- prise, however, is reserved for the church porch when, thanks to an ingenious demi-maquillage and an equally creative outfit, parishioners receive their farewells from the Revd Mr and Ms
Isomer simultaneously. (Andrew Gibbons)
Researchers at Trinity College have published the results of a five-year study that disproves Murphy's Law. The law, formulated by Shamus Murphy in 1906, states that 'anything that can go wrong, will go wrong'. Now a team led by Padraig Murphy, the great-grandson of Ireland's greatest natural scientist, has overturned his findings. To ensure scientific rigour, one team worked at the Guinness brewery, while a control group repeated the experiments at the Bushmills distillery. Dr Murphy reported: 'We developed an exhaustive list of the potential problems 'twist cup and lip, and measured the results as our vol- unteers raised their glasses 25,000 times.' Two Possible outcomes — that the liquid would evap- orate before drinking, and that supplies would become exhausted — did not occur in either the experimental group or the control group, thus disproving the law. The experiment was financed by a grant from the European Social Fund.
(Philip Stapleton) The small community of Humbrage, Wilts, has taken the Ministry of Transport and a leading British cartographic company at their word and employed a colour scheme which exactly match- es the aerial representation of the village in the present OS map. The main thoroughfare has been painted bright 'Clover Pink', contrasting beautifully with the muddy 'Moroccan Orange' of the B1329, as it passes through the brilliant 'Racing Green' of neighbouring woodland. The mostly mediaeval houses of the village have all been spray-painted `Straw Yellow', the river has been dyed perma- nent blue with lavatory freshener and the 13th- century church has been demolished to make way for a giant black metal cross. But the residents are in for a rude awakening, as the men from the Ministry plan to bulldoze the sleepy hamlet off the map, to make way for a 'Cornflower Blue' motorway. (Neil Oldham) The Garrick Club has a ghost. News of the spec- tral intruder appeared yesterday in the club's newsletter, which explains that the ghost has been seed in the late Kingsley Amis's favourite armchair, glass in hand and bearing a remark- able resemblance to Kingsley himself.
Club bar regulars are intrigued by the prospect of meeting the old boy himself on a visit from the other world. 'I think he will be suitably honoured,' says Terry Wogan, a Garrick habitué. 'We have life members,' says Martin Harley, the club secretary, 'but there is no prece- dent for this.' He has asked club bar regulars to report any further sightings and engage the visi- tor in conversation, in case it turns out to be an old devil rather than the real thing, in which case exorcism might be in order. (T. Griffiths) Scientists in Adobe, California, have come up with a vegetarian's dream — a plant that tastes like grilled chicken. A team of researchers has been perfecting the plant — dubbed the 'chick bean' — for 15 years. Now a local restaurant plans to test out the brand-new product on car- nivore customers. But the owners of Broilerland have run into unforeseen trouble with local leaf- eaters. The new product has been denounced as unfair to hens. One vegetarian clucking her teeth is Della Asch, 34. 'I don't care if it's made out of beans,' she declared. 'It violates the rights of dead chickens everywhere. I think it's sick: Broilerland regulars are giving the chick bean the bird, too. 'All this fuss over chick beans is hogwash,' said Clinton Divot, 29. 'Who told them we wanted more chicken? Why couldn't they have given us a range of tastes, like venison or emu or duck and orange? (Bill Greenwell)
No. 1948: Homage to Perec
The Frenchman Georges Perec wrote a novel without using the letter e. You are invited to accept the same handicap and offer an entertaining e-less piece of prose (maximum 150 words) entitled either 'Quandary' or 'Waiting-room'. Entries to 'Competition No. 1948' by 29 August.
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