Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody
By Tamzin Lightwater MONDAY Disaster. Dave's big policy announcement on illegal logging totally ruined by rogue spelling error and I'm to blame. Can't believe I could be so stupid as to add a letter 'b' by mistake. Nigel says I must have done it on purpose. Jed says my 'Inner Moderniser' did it subliminally. Either way we now have a v. draconian policy on illegal blogging which is going to cause all sorts of upset to the men who live in the chatrooms. That nice Mr Dale sits up half the night deleting swear words as it is. Hope no one tells them it was me who came up with new regime of fines and imprisonment. They might start calling me names. I don't mind myself but I have to think of Mummy. She's on the internet all the time now, selling Sesame's smelly old horse rugs to unsuspecting bidders for vast sums. Says she makes more money than when she was in fine art. Apparently you can shift any old rubbish on the internet. That's the power of the information superhighway for you!
TUESDAY Everyone v. worried about Gordo's speech on security. Surely no coincidence that he's planning more bugging and surveillance just as we turn CCHQ into GCHQ. Jed says he's 'parking his tanks on our lawn'. No one has seen Gary, our new Comms Director who's come from the tabloids, since he moved all his funny equipment into the office. But the phone lines are clicking like mad and he's churning out b****cking memos like they've just been invented. Today we got one reminding us that sloppy briefing will not be tolerated. Wonky Tom took this v. seriously. Was on his pay-as-you-go mobile to tell his best friend at the Guardian all about it within seconds. V conscientious. Mr Norris rang in again, asking whether we've had any more applications for Mayor and saying he knows a taxi driver from Barnet who's interested. Lot of silly giggling. Am going to stop taking the calls.
WEDNESDAY Memos from Gary 13, memos from Jed 13.
Not much in it, but would have to say Jed's memos are slightly longer and more aggressive. Also more interesting.
He put out a super one on the 'Bring Back' theory today, informing us that the words Bring Back are now officially banned. This is because we are not going to Bring Back anything. Ever. There was a handy list of the specific things we are not going to Bring Back — hanging, flogging, bobbies on the beat, selection, matrons, troops, privatisation, pensions, powers from Brussels, virtuous cycle of low taxation, etc, etc. Scoured it for mention of hunting but it wasn't there — thank goodness Think even I would have to vote Labour if we ditched that one!
Poor Mrs May most upset about the blogging penalties. Wants to know whether she should disband her one. It's called `Blog' and has two entries in past year, both apologising for the fact that there aren't many entries. Jed told her to keep going as it was 'an invaluable way to showcase her abilities'. He's such a charmer when he wants to be. Let's Hug a Blogger!
THURSDAY Dave has asked to see me! Says whoever came up with policy on illegal blogging is a genius. Am going to be rewarded with extra loo-roll rations and a holiday flight allocation (medium haul, Greece preferred) for the summer! Recognition for my special talents at last!!
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