No. 1198: The winners

Jaspistos reports: Competitors were asked for ten more Commandments, lighter in spirit than the first lot, such as might have been handed to Sir Edmund Hillary on the top of Everest and subsequently dropped and lost.

In reply to the competitor who chided me for inviting people too often to make fun of religion, I plead that in this case I am inno- cent. I had envisaged God, good as ever but displaying, as He so often does, His sense of humour, adding ten relaxed after- thoughts. The majority of you chose to follow the black spirit of Clough's 'The Latest Decalogue', which reflects badly on Man, not the Deity, rather than the wise geniality of Auden's Hermetic Decalogue from 'Under Which Lyre':

Thou shalt not answer questionnaires Or quizzes upon World Affairs, Nor with compliance Take any Test. Thou shalt not sit With statisticians nor commit A social science . . ,

I have allowed one or two 'black' entries into the winners' enclosure, but nearly all the prizes go to white or grey horses. Everyone printed below gets one pound per Commandment (how devalued wisdom is in the marketplace!) and Paul Griffin takes the three bottles of Harvey's No. 1 Claret, just wrenched from the clutch of Ronald Jowker, whose jargonised categorical im- peratives horribly appealed to me.

Thou shalt not worship equality, till thou art equal with the Lord thy God.

Thou shalt not blame Him for the weather. He who created football also created the Pools Panel.

Thirty-five hours shalt thou work, including tea-breaks, Union business, and other scandal. The rest of the week is thine own.

Thou shah value peace, but not lecture war veterans on the subject.

It's got "Rome" written right down the middle.' a

Honour thy great actors and actresses, on si

te

only.

Thou shalt preserve human life, that thou maYe51 have companions in misfortune. Thou shalt enjoy the happiness of the opposite sex, without regarding thyself as essential toil. Thou shalt not evade avoidable taxes.

Thou shalt not confuse facts with truth. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's salary, nor his free BUPA treatment. He is going to need

both.

(Paul Griffin)

You'll interact with females and kids on a full} one-to-one togetherist basis.

You'll relate to your relevant god/alla, buddha/shami/world-process figure with I ecumenical supportivefulness. fe You'll communicate with your g/a/b/etc fib as an interpersonal friend without old fashioned hierarchical semiotic structures. You'll not fail to observe the 35-hour-a-weeic labour-paradigm. You'll hold a dialogue with all parent-units integratively. You'll not get into causing passing-away c°11). texts.

You'll not two-time your current partner unless socially viable.

You'll avoid anti-societal-property-deprivation" related interfaces. You'll not scandal-monger about Yoln comrades.

You'll not gazump people in a next-door sittla. tion, or entice their pets away. (Ronald Jovii(et)

Thou shalt be laid back.

Tholl shalt avoid stressful interpersonal relation' ships.

Thou shalt not be manipulative of others. Thou shalt hang not only loose but in there. I Thou shalt contrive to thine own self to be 80° never mind true. (Susan H. LlewellYn)

Thou shalt not kill time. '

Thou shalt not defraud British Rail by flashing3 season-ticket for the Uffizi Gallery.

Thou shalt not bear false witness unless aus that thou sayest is strictly 'unattributable'., Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ass unl"., private.ate both heand thou are consenting adults l'' (Rufus pSasrl tosede) (Belle R. Weili") Let not thy hound foul the fair places of the earth. Remember the Sabbath, to keep it wholly for 1,bee reading of colour supplements and 1" washing of cars. Thou shalt not kill Jehovah's Witnesses even though they interrupt thy lunch.

(V Thou shalt not take an eye for an (V. a Eerynee,st coId except through the National Health. ate) Keep this lot where you can se(eSyidt,nenyotNloikreg th

Pass not the buck, unless it hath been unto thee.

Thou shalt not admit adultery.

Thou shalt not bear false modesty.

Neither shalt thou smite the cat, for it is a 50)1: beast and moreover hath sharp claws.

Advise thy children to honour their father a their mother, albeit that such be not thine practice.

last.

(George 's/10)