YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary. .
Q. As a woman, I am always conscious of whether my breath is smelling sweet or sour. However, men do not seem to 'rate' bad breath as offensive. My own hus- band's breath is appalling at the moment but he is too arrogant to do anything about it other than chuckle conceitedly when I mention it. How could I best repli- cate for him the experience that I, and no doubt everyone with whom he comes into physical contact during the day, am suffer- ing?
A. Simply keep some old flower water in a jug for a couple of weeks, then make him stand at a sink while you pour it down the drain. The shock should be enough to teach him to mend his ways.
Q. I am rich, not particularly good-looking and a little overweight. I am quite bright and have a singular sense of humour which I and most of my friends enjoy. Many women make a great fuss of me. How can I know whether it is my money which they find attractive or my other qualities, and should it bother me anyway? A.P.D.P., London, SW3 Name withheld, London SWI A. As Cesare Pavese said, 'No woman mar- ries for money, they are all clever enough before marrying a millionaire to fall in love with him first.' On the other hand, it is a well-known phenomenon that even the most repulsive and impoverished specimens of manhood can exert what power they wish over women so long as they can make them laugh. People come in packages and the fact that you can offer physical com- forts to offset the reduced aesthetic appeal of your face and general bulk is perfectly reasonable. Therefore such anxieties should not bother you unless your immedi- ate best male friends express anxiety that you are being targeted by a particular 'gold- digger'. Should this be the case, you need only confide in her your top-secret plans to better Jean Paul Getty II by giving away the bulk of your fortune. Should her ardour dim at this news, you will have the evidence you require.
Q. May I add my own contribution to the debate about buttock-heightening tech- niques? You advised readers to perform a complicated procedure involving silicon prostheses from the corsetieres Rigby & Peller. I would like to suggest to you a much simpler solution. Something called `posture panties' are available from a com- pany called Health & Beauty Direct (01482 822158). The posture pantie hoicks the but- tocks firmly upwards with twin wedges of four-inch elastic which run along under the natural cheeks and continue in a 'cross your pelvis' effect. Having bought a pair of these, I can assure you that my buttocks now give the appearance of wobbling at an almost African level and I am very happy with my purchase which, incidentally, cost only £14.99.
A.C. London, W.1.
A.'Thank you for your considerate contribu- tion.
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