No. 1262: The winners

Charles Seaton reports: Competitors were asked for a letter to a friend, asking for a loan, as it might have been written bY Henry James, Laurence Sterne, James Joyce, G.K. Chesterton or Francis Bacon. Apart from Joyce, of course, the authors were an unlikely lot to be writing beggla:g letters, but nevertheless most of you sent in very fair imitations of their differing styles and attitudes. The Joyces, which comfor- tably outdid the Jameses and Chestertons ifl number, not unexpectedly included several echoes of Molly Bloom's soliloquy, and Carole Angier even added to her entry a

telegraphed reply from Gogarty —

will yes Oliver.' ,Yes I The improbable choice of George Gissine as the recipient of a letter from Henry James did not prevent Peter Norman from earning a prize of £8, as do the other Win- ners below (though H. 0. Whistler failed to include his address), while George Moor 5

Plea was so far successful as to secure the bonus bottle of Pedro Dornecq's Carlos III Selected Brandy.

Your Lordship, Adrian, the emperor, was the most reliant on amity and though he stood at the height and Pitch of fortune when he did itch he disdained not to ask from Antinous the bestowal of his strigillum. So well-exampled, 1 crave from my Antinous the favour of no scraper but of a brace of angels. The smallness and meanness of the salary which is assigned unto me compels this assay of thy charity. To pay for the debts oneself has contracted is prudence; to discharge the debts of a relative is familial honour; but to suc- cour a friend from one's purse is magnanimity. To accept is the vulgar fate of fortune's dependencies; to give doth augment the virtuous excellency of Horace's generosus puer.

Thy Francis.

(George Moor)

Does my overdraft overrun yes I say yes I say yes Yes yes are bread and beer lacking yes yes yes my blooms fade for want of them both leopold and mollie are in sore need of paper and ink do I know that there is a friend who will come to their aid allow my ulysses to come safe to port yes I say yes yes yes for it is you my friend who will not fail to send fifty pounds to save my blooms from the canker of cash shortage more power to Your elbow and more power to mine to raise guinness that gives them life and hope I do not apologise for my lack only for this means of relieving it repayment will follow either from the Publishers or the Almighty though the latter will follow. later.

James Joyce.

(H.O. Whistler) Chesterton My lord, it is the wisdom of the cemetery, and of Highgate Cemetery at that, to say that it is unjust for the rich to own money needed by the poor. In the higher wisdom of ancient priests and paladins, the rich man chose to be burdened with goods so that he might experience the grace of giving them away, while the poor man joyfully accepted his lot, so that he might witness the miracle of the loaded table in the wilderness.

If you will entrust to the Postmaster-General what I in my turn will entrust to the grocer, we may combine to demonstrate this ancient truth. Within one revolution of the sun, we may both achieve grace, you through the joy of not having ten pounds, and I through the ancient and neglected ceremony of having food.

(Paul Griffin) My Dear Gissing, It scarcely needs saying that I shall remain — should you oblige me in respect of the advancement of a small loan, the which (though recognising with rueful irony that I am not the most impartial of commentators on such a matter) I earnestly recommend you to do, in full confidence that the period preceding repay- ment will be satisfactorily brief, since, with one of those profounder ironies that so often invade the lives of those sensitive enough to remark them, I expect shortly to be in receipt of a substantial cheque from one of the denizens of your 'New Grub Street', namely the Spectator magazine, in grateful recognition of the peculiar- ly parodic nature of this very missive — your eternally indebted fellow-toiler in the house of fiction and, if I do not presume, friend, Henry James.

(Peter Norman) In what state or states would Stanislaus find James were he to encounter him at the point of dispatching his letter?

Impecunious. Penniless. Wanting.

What possible ways suggest themselves to alleviate the difficulties of a brother?

One. The immediate posting of a postal order to the value of flO made out to J.A. Joyce and ob- tainable from any Post Office.

Two. The arrival of Stanislaus in Paris with a quantity of coins in each of his pockets and an accompanying willingness to part with some of them.

Having made his request, how did Joyce, artist, wanderer, exile, feel?

Contrite. Hopeful. (Jan Rut-Brown) Sterne

I humbly beg, Madam, that you abandon ratiocination for an instant, — not so long, — 'twould be an interval too commodious for the distraction of your noble attention; — grant an infinitesimal hiatus, — that is: — a moment con- stituting the most indistinguishable and insignifi- cant moments as may cram into a miniature SE- COND: But no more. — I but begin my bow, — wear out my breeches in the kneeling; — the art of genuflection is honoured particularly in the fashion alluded to, Madam; — I could inscribe a learned treatise, — and should, were my position less cramped; — no matter. — A knee is as fine as a guinea, in this respect: — had I need of another knee, I should write on my knees as ardently as I write upon the matter of guineas: — Let it be said, Madam, I have kneed, — 'tis a pretty conceit; — 'tis yours to keep if pleasing; — only I request your pardon, should my knees