High life
Court gangsters
Taki
PeteAthens Sampras, the newly crowned US Open tennis champ, is of Spartan descent, a fact that surely helped him make mincemeat out of the ghastly Agassi, who is an American-Iraqi. My fearless predic- tion is that the disgusting one who plays in bright green underwear will one day make McEnroe and Connors — the court gang- sters who started the rot — seem to possess plenipotential dignity by comparison.
Connors used to grab his crotch and wave it against his opponent. McEnroe used to swear at umpires and linesmen and call them names I wouldn't call his father, and now Agassi spits at the chair and 19,000 Big Bagelites cheer him for it. It is only a matter of time before the next boy wonder shows up in his jock-strap and defecates on the court after a questionable call. Thank God I'm too old to play the game.
Mind you, I made the terrible mistake of trying last week. My old doubles partner and I had trained diligently in Gstaad, so we decided to enter the Greek National Championship which we had won through- out the Seventies. We were given a wild card entry for past performances. As the man said, I shoulda stood in bed. The Connors-McEnroe-Agassi school of tennis has arrived in the Olive Republic, the only thing missing being a scintilla of talent.
Never have I heard so much grunting, seen such blatant cheating, heard such language. (Well, except in Pentonville.) My partner, Nico Kalogeropoulos, is the greatest player ever to play for the Olive Republic. He was in the world top 30 for some 20-odd years, but missed the big
hope the Gulf crisis doesn't overshadow our Conference. .
money. What he was known for was his sportsmanship and impeccable manners. Although we lost honourably against a team whose combined age was ten years less than mine, it was not pleasant. In fact, it was like playing poker with Al Capone.
The final of the singles was up to Agassi's standards. The winner, one Bave- las, walked off the court and took a 20-minute rest in the kitchen for no appa- rent reason. He took three to four minutes between points, finally breaking down his opponent's nerves and patience. He called the ump a wanker, and spilled his oppo- nent's water on purpose. The federation was too chicken even to reprimand him. And the guy is no good. Imagine what they would accept from one with Nico's talent.
Which brings me to the point I wish to make. There is a way to teach manners to these bums, and it's an extremely easy one. In Costa Rica, where Nico runs a tennis circuit of four tournaments sponsored by Toshiba of Panama, the sponsors have laid down the law: all-white kit, no swearing and good sportsmanship, or else. After two players were disqualified, the tournaments have been paragons of sportsmanship. It is Toshiba which is responsible for this. Now if Nabisco took the same line, the Agassis of this world would have to behave — after all, they're only in it for the money. But how does one expect Nabisco, with Henry Kravis as its chairman, to know the difference between a gangster and a gentleman? Volvo, however, should know better.
So, the next time you are tempted to buy a product that sponsors tennis, don't. After a while the men in the suits will get the message and do a Toshiba. Victims of the tennis Mafia unite. We have nothing to lose but their spittle.
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