Bookbuyer's
Bookend
My advice to young authors," said a beaming Quentin Bell on receiving the Duff Cooper award for his superb Virginia Woolf," is to get the right aunt." But for those not blessed with a memorable family, Bookbuyer has more, practical advice. The answer, if you have a yen to get into print, is quite simply • . commit a crime. It does not matter whether you smuggle, steal, spy or solicit, You can murder, mug or simply maim. You may desecrate or defraud or commit perjury. The.important thing is, you will have no trouble finding someone to publish you, publicise you and very often pay you. handsomely.
Once you have done your time (though it is not obligatory) you should start by finding a literary agent. Jonathan Clowes, who handled Miss Christine Keeler, might welcome you, or alternatively you could ring Messrs John Farquarson who looked after the literary affairs of Mr Sean Bourke, the man who sprang master-spy George Blake from Wormwood Scrubs and then went to live tax-free in Ireland. If neither of these able outfits is willing to take you on, you might try the direct approach. First call would probably be Granada, publishers of: Philby, K. — My Secret War Neligen, D. — A Spy in the Castle Teresa, V. — My Life in, the Mafia (" charts his hoodlum progress from boyhood up to his arrest and imprisonment ")
If you are not very literate — like ex-Mafia man Joe Valachi or one-time gangster's moll, Manouche — publishers with whom Granada are in contact can lay people on to write about you. Failing the stalwarts of St Albans, you could go to Michael Joseph, whose previous books include:
Knowles, R. — How to Rob Banks Without Violence Munro, A. K. — Autobiography of a Thief Payne, L. — The Brotherhood, the story of an associate of the Kray Brothers.
Alternatively there is always that Christian firm, Hodder & Stoughton:
Khaled, L. — Let My People Live Ward, H. — Buller, forthcoming memoirs of a former underworld strong-arm man with several convictions.
(Hodder also did a more serious book, on Britain's foreign policy, by Philby's old partner in crime Donald Maclean.)
Others prepared to lend an ear might be Blond and Briggs or New English Library — soon to publish jointly the memoirs of Norma Levy; Marshall Morgan and Scott — publishers of Sergei, the recent true story of a communist youth leader who personally led over 150 raids on Russian churches (" our book of the year "): or Allison and Busby — soon to launch Project Octavio, Clifford Irving's "spine-tingling thriller" about how he defrauded his American publishers. But if you want the really big build-up, try Messrs W. H. Allen. This October they are doing Killer, the autobiography of a professional murderer — "many of Joey's crimes are vicious, but he reveals himself as a complex human being — affable, loyal, angry, gregarious, righteous, funny."
Now Bookbuyer confesses to sometimes enjoying such offerings, but he would venture to suggest one simple rule: namely, that any would-be purchaser first assures himself that all royalties, if not part of the profits, are destined for the coffers of a registered charity and not the private pocket of a person whose sole claim to a public platform is his achievement in the cause of crime If tile' bookseller can't tell you, then he shouldn't be selling the book.
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