DIARY
There have been times this week when my heart has gone out to Mr Jeremy Han- ley. The newspapers have decided to trans- form him into a comic character. This may be because that is what he is. Certainly other politicians, Conservative Party chair- men even, have turned this to their own advantage. Lords Hailsham and Wootton come to mind. And Peter Thorneycroft had his comic side as well. But Mr Hanley is not — has never pretended to be — a political heavyweight. Some men of my generation, Mr Julian Critchley, for instance, are inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt because he is the son of the film actress Miss Dinah Sheridan, after whom they lusted in their hot youth. But he was for 11 years the stepson also of Sir John Davis of the Rank Organisation. Davis was widely regarded as the nastiest person of his time, as horrible to men as he was to women, rivalled only by John Lewis of Rubber Improvements. It is a miracle that Mr Hanley has turned out to be as good- natured as he is.
The trustees of the Guardian have, I am told, recently made £2 million available, to be divided equally between the Observer and the Guardian. The latter is using its million to take on board many of the jour- nalists just sacked or made redundant by the Independent. Some of these dismissals were questionable. It is a mistake to phase out Mr Peter Pringle, the New York corre- spondent. He is an excellent reporter. Moreover, he is a friend of mine. The Observer, instead of accommodating the Independent's cast-offs, has been trying to lure away the paper's highly regarded polit- ical columnist, Mr Andrew Marr, at a rumoured salary of £120,000. Even to me, that sounds a lot of money for writing one column a week. Mr Man has so far said no.
ASouth-west Walian, I have a horror of debt. That is partly, no doubt, why I am not a wealthy man. As P. G. Wodehouse's Ukridge used to observe when touching a pal for a fiver, credit is the life-blood of commerce. Walter Bagehot made much the same point in his work Lombard Street. Most of our great newspaper proprietors are technically bankrupt in that at any given moment their liabilities exceed their assets. This was certainly true of the late Robert Maxwell. Nevertheless I recently decided to pay off my mortgage. I expected a letter from the Abbey National — even from its chairman, my old acquaintance Sir Christopher Tugendhat — complimenting me on my prudent habits and saying, 'Well ALAN WATKINS done, thou good and faithful servant', or something along those lines. Not a bit of it. The society began to create all kinds of dif- ficulties. A woman said that the entire transaction would have to be conducted by a solicitor. Having successfully disputed this, I was told that the title deeds had to be dispatched to a solicitor rather than, as I wished, to a bank. Again I prevailed. But the whole business took months. In a 19th- century case Lord Justice Bowen observed that the most difficult feat in English law was to divest oneself of one's•own property. Today the equivalent feat is to pay off the mortgage.
Anyone seeking out Mr Neil Kinnock these days is, I hear, directed to a room within the Treasury. There the former lead- er of the Labour Party is to be found study- ing materials preparatory to his move to Brussels as a European Commissioner. Am I alone, I wonder, in finding this arrange- ment, certainly not sleazy or even improp- er, but somehow — how can one put it? not quite right? For Mr Kinnock is, after all, a Labour MP still, a representative of the People's Party. And the post of Euro- pean Commissioner has, once the recom- mendation has been made and accepted, nothing further to do with the national gov- `I've always found, Freddie, as one loop- hole closes another opens.' ernment concerned. He or she is the ser- vant of the European Community (or Union as it now likes to call itself), in a dif- ferent position from a member of the Council of Ministers. Why, in that case, is the Community's London office not provid- ing Mr Kinnock with the documents and facilities which he requires? Or why is he not hard at it in his book-lined study in Eal- ing?
On the 12.05 to Bath and Bristol last Saturday, I settled myself in the carriage next to the buffet. Two young men and a woman, Spanish I guessed, with lots of lug- gage, sat down at the table across the gang- way. One man placed a previously pur- chased, unopened can of beer on the table. As the train was drawing out of Padding- ton, about half-a-dozen policemen bustled through, one of them shouting, 'This is a non-alcohol train.' Another one stopped and said to the young man, indicating the can: 'Want me to look after this?' The young man nervously assented; whereupon the policeman walked off with his beer. The officer then stationed himself at the buffet counter. I got up, walked to the counter, confirmed that no restoratif would be available and asked him why this should be so. He said it was because Bristol City was playing Millwall. The railway authori- ties had requested that the train should be, as he put it, 'designated non-alcoholic'. I replied that this might very well be so, but it did not entitle him to go around confis- cating people's property. He muttered that the beer was with the steward and could be reclaimed. I said he had not made this at all clear to the young man, who was foreign. He shrugged his shoulders as if to indicate that he could not help that. I returned to my place and told the young man that he could have his drink back before he got off the train. I do not know whether he did. I still do not think he understood.
Introducing `Subwatch', an occasional feature for those who write headlines, com- pose picture-captions or mess about with other people's work. Icon, preceded by `pop, 'rock', 'fashion' or whatever. From the Greek, likeness or image; in particular, a representation of some sacred personage itself regarded as sacred and worshipped accordingly. Give it a rest. Ilyoulhelshe would kill for. Don't be so silly: you wouldn't do anything of the kind. Also New kid on the block, Hot, meaning popular or sought after, and Kit, as in: 'He's too poor to buy the right kit for the house.' Think of something else.
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