COMPETITION

False alarm

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1544 you were asked for an imaginary newspaper medical scare, complete with loony 'scientific facts'.

Over a hundred of you had me shaking in my hypochondriacal shoes. Walking, breathing and perspiring are all evidently fraught with danger. New diseases range abroad, such as the motorist's dreaded `clutch foot' and 'blue navel' associated with tea-bags. Budgies cause deafness. There are disturbing links between ice- cream consumption and sunburn, jigsaw puzzle addiction and acrophobia, and read- ing about diseases and contracting them (and serve you right, unless you're a doctor). It was a highly successful competi- tion and attracted some noticeable new talent. Patricia Jewell gets an honourable mention, and I duck out of sight to allow a view of the prizewinners below (each has £15). The bonus bottle of Château Can- temerle 1979, kindly awarded by Asshe- tons, Solicitors, 99 Aldwych, London WC2, belongs to Nick Syrett.

Are you a traffic policeman or a bus driver? Chances are that you'll be a) unmarried and b) the party-goer who chats to the cheese dip in the corner. It's official: traffic jams are hard on the clutch and harder still on the social life. Profes- sor Banks of the Kansas Traffic Human Inter- face Centre said: 'It could be the fumes, it could be the angst — something in a road congestion situation activates inhibition-stimulating chem- icals and in those fun highways of the body- well, nothing's moving!' Certainly over 40 per cent of the cabbies we spoke to said that they always left the pub well before closing time' and disliked talking to strangers. 'I need the fares', said one, 'I don't need the conversa- tion.' Nearly a quarter of regular M25 users described themselves as 'loners'.

The BMA, headquarters in one of the most congested areas of the capital, preferred to say nothing.

(Nick Syrett)

An Australian medical research team has come up with the alarming discovery that looking into a mirror is a major cause of acne. Dr Shane McMurdo, working at the prestigious Wogga Wogga Institute, claims, after three years of experiments involving teenagers from the local High School, that he has conclusive proof that 89 per cent of facial eruptions are caused by the harmful effects of the silvering on mirrors oxidising. In his report, published this week in the Australian Medical Journal, he says that anyone using a mirror which is beginning to develop the tell-tale dark patches caused by

oxidisation should throw it out immediately.

A spokesman for the British Medical Associa- tion in London said: 'We are taking Dr McMur- do's findings very seriously indeed. A working party on the links between acne and mirrors (woPLAm) is starting its investigations at once under the chairmanship of leading dermatologist Dr Jonathan Sprot.'

(Kay Dixon) A report soon to be published in a leading medical journal suggests that wearing a waist- coat can significantly increase the risk of heart disease, chest infections and lumbago. It is thought that by trapping a layer of warm air in this artificial epidermis the localised heat accelerates the rate of cholesterol accumulation in the arteries surrounding the heart. Chest infections and lumbago are caused by the sudden change from hot to cooler areas at the edges of the waistcoat. In addition the report states that fob watches cause gallstones. A startling 91.5 per cent of men who regularly wear these watches develop stones. Hardly measurable centrifugal forces from the watch's action produce a phenomenon known as 'gall- bladder dance'. The invariable result of this is the formation of stones.

(Jeremy Carlisle) A discovery has been made by scientists that may revolutionise religious observance. Dr Ron Mould, a biologist at Kreeke University, has established a relationship between Anglican worship and healthy lungs. 'At first,' he told our Science Correspondent, 'I assumed it was the hymn-singing. Nationally, 5 per cent suffer pulmonary disease. Among worshipping Anglicans the figure is only 21/2 per cent. Then I broke it down, and realised the truth: bat-droppings.'

Dr Mould has isolated the chemical Xb37 in the droppings of bats. This is a form of streptomycin, used in the treatment of tubercu- losis. Worshippers in mediaeval churches (the statistics are different for churches of recent construction) tend to inhale sufficient Xb37 to ensure protection.

Concern is mounting in Roman Catholic and Free Church circles that this discovery may herald a major Anglican revival.

(Paul Griffin) A disturbing correlation between 18th-century music and lightning alopecia is revealed in a report released today by a well-known credit- card company.

Fifty per cent of respondents to an offer of an album of Vivaldi oboe concertos were found to have visited a trichological salon within one week of receiving the music, compared with 0.001 per cent for non-respondents.

Dr Crispin Chater, spokesperson for the company's Medical Litigation Division, was guarded when questioned about the findings. We are not recommending that the albums be

recalled at this moment in time,' he said. 'When the respondents have settled their accounts, we will be advising both of them to wear hats when listening to Vivaldi and/or the oboe.'

Dr Chater ruled out the suggestion that the credit cards themselves were toxic. 'Rats fed entirely on our cards for three weeks showed no loss of hair,' he said.

(Peter Hogarth)