YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. Stresa on Lake Maggiore in early June is truly lovely. English is the second language and The Spectator is on sale by Saturday afternoon, so civilisation seems secure. However, in the hotel dining-room it seemed as though many guests were of the Impression that it was compulsory, rather than graceless, to have 'elbows on the table'. Perhaps this is because of the habit of eating while sitting in front of the televi- sion set at home. I wanted to help, but, Mary, what could I do? Keeping custody of the eyes was the best I could manage.
J.McG., Glasgow A. Next Year you can help your fellow guests by knocking up some visual aids of the sort seen in airline safety instructions. Presented on folded white card like 'reserved' notices, these can be quietly deposited on tables that are about to be occupied. Your simple dia- grams would depict two men at table. One With large black Xs through his ill-posi- tioned elbows. The other sitting up straight, holding his knife and fork correctly, with an approving 1 alongside. These should do the tnck. Even if they do not, at least you will have the pleasure of observing their effect on offenders while you guiltlessly consume your own fayre at a nearby table.
Q. I am shortly to attend a society cricket match. On the last occasion, a year ago, I
Dear Mary. . .
ran into an acquaintance from Cambridge who asked if I could help promote his new business venture. Although I recalled faintly that this man had a reputation as having had a 'chequered' career, the combination of an excellent tea and his gleaming cricket whites misled me into agreement. The result was, six months later, that he bolted without pay- ing the bill, almost bankrupting our small public relations company. Although the mat- ter is in the hands of competent lawyers, it will not have been resolved before we meet again at this year's cricket. It will be impossi- ble to avoid him. Can you advise on the appropriate greeting, if any, when confront- ed by him? The host is an old friend, and I have no desire to disrupt the usual convivial proceedings, or dent team morale, by point- ing out that his team member is a heel.
Name and address withheld A. Settle for unnerving your enemy by greeting him in classic PR manner — shrieks of enthusiasm, compliments on his appearance, triple kissing, etcetera, all rounded off nicely with a beaming 'See you in court!'
Q. Many thanks, Mary dear, for printing my letter regarding a meeting with my new showbiz neighbour, Mr Robert Carlisle — for it is he, and his lovely Mrs, Anastasia — and for your solution. Sadly 'twould be impossible to confuse our houses. While they are both large in a ribbon of quite large houses, his is natural stone while mine is painted. Notwithstanding, his is the last house at the end of a peninsular cul-de-sac.
Name withheld, Scotland A. In that case, issue a (written) invitation using words to the effect of 'Since we are hardly ever here, we would love you to come over this weekend because it otherwise may be quite some considerable time until we can invite you again.' Reassured by the thought that no inevitable 'relationship' need result from a single encounter, few celebrities would pass up the chance to take a short stroll down the road to meet an apparently harmless couple who pose no threat of social ping-ponging. Once inside the door, as long as Carlisle does not feel overshadowed by your own personal glamour, the friendship should take off naturally and proceed as would a normal one between neighbours.
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