YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Q. With the endless circumlocution and con- fusion about confessing to the previous use of narcotics, how can 31-year-old dullards such as myself admit to never having touched anything, viz. marijuana, heroin, cocaine or anything else other than alcohol, cigarettes, veal and red meat, without seem- mg inexcusably and unbelievably square? It is getting most embarrassing. Apparently my (American) wife married me because of this abstinence, but I am not sure.
I.H., address withheld A. Next time the topic arises, issue a light, rippling laugh. 'Well, of course I'm told I was way ahead of my time. I was into organic hallucinogens 20 years ago. Even now only a very small elite know about OHs.' When pressed further, assume a beatific expression, nod knowingly, then reveal `. . nutmeg, for example, and the beauty of it is that it's totally legal'.
Q. I have lived in New Zealand for nearly 30 years and am still regularly suffering from unwelcome telephone calls at unearthly times (e.g. 2 a.m.) from my friends, relatives and business acquain- tances who live in the UK. They often have a few drinks at lunchtime and then tele- phone me full of bonhomie. They forget the time difference and, worse, they usually do not bother to announce who they are,
Dear Mary..
expecting me to recognise them immediate- ly. My wife is rudely awakened at the same time and has suggested that I tell the callers that they are either ignorant or stupid. Do you have a more polite solution to these problems? Because these calls are thought- less and not malicious, I am reluctant to do the same back to them. Furthermore, I do not wish to start a war of untimely phone calls which would be even more injurious to my health.
R.H.W, Auckland, New Zealand A. Learn to answer all nocturnal calls by simply announcing your name in faintly robotic tones. Then stay silent until you have established the exact nature of the call. Should it turn out to be of the nuisance vari- ety from overseas, continue your announce- ment: `I'm afraid I'm asleep right now, but if you'd like to leave a message I'll get it in the morning.' You can activate an answerphone- style bleeping effect by pressing the asterix on your keypad. This will allow you to lie back and listen to the 'message' in comfort without any need to assume the full mental alertness necessary for conversation.
Q. My 43-year-old husband has recently fall- en into an old habit from his schooldays. He has begun to absent-mindedly 'blow bubbles' of saliva while watching television, reading or while we are just driving along. He claims the habit is involuntary and that there is nothing he can do to stop it. As you can imagine I find this new undreamed-of aspect of our marriage quite intolerable. How do you suggest I cure him of this habit?
MW, Marlborough, Wiltshire A. Use aversion therapy. Keep a canister of effervescent Redoxon tablets about your person and jam one into your husband's mouth whenever you notice the atrocity occurring. in this way he will learn to asso- ciate the full phenomenon of foaming at the mouth with all its attendant discomforts with bubble-blowing, and you should soon see an end to the annoyance.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WCIN 2LL.
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