YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. Exquisite embarrassment looms: can you help? On exercise in Norway, our bat- talion second-in-command (never notice- ably sensitive to the feelings of junior offi- cers) appeared to forget that taking a hurri- cane lamp into a tent at night serves to pro- vide, in effect, a magic lantern show for those outside. So it was that this gallant officer, clearly (and with commendable energy, given his age) missing his wife on our first night, came to be recorded for pos- terity by our infra-red video camera. Mary, how can we exploit these precious moments of recorded battalion history to cause maximum embarrassment, bearing in mind that some of us still entertain hopes of pro- motion?
A Lieutenant, REME A. Time was when such a video recording would have given great rushes of happiness and satisfaction to viewers across the ranks. Tears of pleasure would have rolled down people's faces and the effect would have lasted for weeks. Today, however, rather like properties in Marbella, the market is saturated with bottom-related exposures of authority figures. Consequently any dissem- ination of your evidence would be unlikely to arouse feelings stronger than a mild depression amongst your audience. On the other hand, there is no reason why you should not inflict a small punishment on the insensitive officer you mention. Arrange for an open memo to be issued reminding all senior personnel that 'follow- ing an incident in Norway, staff are warned that privacy from the lenses of infra-red security cameras cannot be guaranteed if hurricane lamps within tents are not fully extinguished during personal grooming activities where movements could be mis- construed'. Q. I have the good fortune to live in a fash- ionable street in central London. There is, however, a problem in being so centrally located. It means that each time I want to nip out to the shops for some coffee or a half-pound of butter, I run the risk of bumping into one of my fashionable acquaintances who work in the local pub- lishing empire. I cannot be bothered to doll myself up to the nines every time I go out, yet my preferred attire when gardening or house-cleaning closely resembles that of the local bag lady. What is your solution, Mary?
Name and address withheld.
A. Simply splash your hair with water and carry a rolled-up bathing towel each time you nip out to the shops. In this way it will be assumed that you are on your way back from a local gym when you run these unglamorous errands.
Mary Killen
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary clo The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.
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