COMPETITION

In Competition No. 1423 you were asked to devise a public advertisement for a suitable monarch from some republican government of the future.

`Whenever I go out, my dear, I get a distinct impression of raised hats,' said an absent-minded king in one of Firbank's novels. Times are getting tougher. Pick- arex Agency, Find-a-Figurehead, Arthur Guinness Ltd, the Ministry of Paradox, Nicosia and your other imaginary advertis- ers were looking for more than a firm handshake, an iron stomach, an ability to wear the kilt without looking ridiculous, decided views on modern architecture, and a good profile for coin and stamp. Among the categories of person who were advised not to apply were Prime Ministers, Waynes and Tracys, storks and logs, and peanut farmers. The more forward-looking repub- lics sought applicants adept at rolling hand- made cigarettes or with musical ability (`candidates called for interview should bring their own instruments and be pre- pared to do a brief turn before the Com- mittee'), and in one case warned: 'While dynastic inheritance is not precluded, suc- cession will be decided by on-going discus- sions at community level.' The Portuguese authorities regarded 'one peccadillo, if involving international glamour', as an

Monarch wanted

Jaspistos

advantage, and the Republic of Slobovia, clearly on the brink of collapse, added the tempting rider: 'Absolutism may be negoti- able after the completion of the five-year probationary period.'

The winners printed below earn £9 each, and the bonus bottle of Comte de Robart Champagne (Rosé Brut), presented by the Ebury Wine Company, 139 Ebury St, London SW1, goes to Charles Mosley.

The Chairman of All-Union Commissars and Supreme Praesidium of the People's Constitu- tional Republic of Ruritania invite applications from suitably qualified candidates for the position of CROWNPERSON This is a tenurable appointment. Applicants should have a regal mien and a minimum of sixty-four quarterings and may be required to undergo both screen and blood tests.

Expertise in constitutional history is not desir- able, but robust health, particularly evidence of resistance to occupational diseases such as Ship-

Launcher's Humerus, is essential. Ability 0, touch successfully for the King's/Queen's Evil would be an advantage. Pleasant tied palace, banquet vouchers, excel' lent life assurance (including double indemnity clause in event of regicide), attractive super' annuation scheme, uniforms provided. Salary on Wilhelmina Scale XIV-XV (according to expert" ence). No references. CV/(44 copies) to Praesi- dium Secretariat by 29 January. The PCRR is an unequal opportunities au' ployer. The Commissioners of the European(Ch al es Mosley) r United Republics have sanctioned the appointment of royal personage to be the titular head of the Department of Britain. The appointment will be made by a consensus of political and religious parties and preference will be given to canth" dates whose inherited genetic constitution in' eludes proportionate contributions from the main ethnic groups in the country. At the Is survey the commonest groups reported (express- ed as a percentage of the. entire population) were: WASP 61, Afro-Caribbean 17, Asian 15; Welsh-speaking 3, Wykehamist 2, LiverPou' Militants 2. As descendants of William of Orange alt.„ -`1 of Oliver Cromwell are ineligible for high owee under the terms of the Irish Placation Act' candidates will be required to submit to ex- amination of their blood groups, cell nude!r proteins and gene micro-morphology to exclude their being of such ancestry. (Ralph Sadler)

You've all heard about the downside of modern life. Poverty. Unemployment. Shrinking oppor- tunities. But there's an upside too, you know. Including some opportunities that come once in a lifetime.

Who hasn't wanted to live like a king? Well, here's your chance to be a king.

We're not kidding, folks. This is an age that needs initiative, daring and a break with old habits. Like the hereditary principle. It's too haphazard. Too backward-looking.

What this country needs is a dynamic figure- head. A monarch for the 21st century. Think about it. And if the idea, appeals, let us know.

We'll be making our choice without fear or favour. Make your application the same way. 'Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown'? Maybe, but you'll never know till you've tried. (Nigel Bunker) APPLICATIONS are requested for the post of Non-Hereditary Potentate, work to commence Immediately upon appointment, or anointment if preferred. Applicants should be between 21 and 35, married (there is a paid ancillary role for spouses of either gender. Regrettably, no regen- cies are currently available for minors). They should possess what is commonly known as 'an easy head', an aversion to the modern but an unerring sense of future, a strong stomach capable of ingesting international cuisine, and the capacity to feign sundry emotional states, viz. embarrassment, irritation, apoplexy, at will. He/she will also require a firm, muscular mouth, a practised handgrip, a slightly clumsy waltz- step, and wryly enthusiastic eyes. The duties would favour those with experience of both milking cows and selling insurance. Full train- ing, no prior experience needed, ceremonial garb provided. Familiarity with the mathematics of proportional representation and one-party states would be an advantage.

(Berni Wellgell) Well-spoken person required for key 'figure- head' role in national organisation. Formal qualifications a disadvantage but good horsepersonship (ceremonial standard) essen- tial. The successful applicant must be willing to travel (yacht, train, aeroplane provided) and entertain similar token figureheads. A high boredom threshold is vital. Must be able to represent and deputise for OGEL (Our Great Elected Leader) in heading Church, Trooping Colour, bestowing Garter, dispensing Maundy, etc. Full training given.

Fondness for small dogs an asset, as is quick-thinking ability to cope with unexpected social problems (e.g. eating rat, entertaining intruder(s) in bedroom).

Prestige housing provided, including Central London location.

The post is tenable for life: abdication permit- ted only in extreme circumstances. Salary negotiable annually with OGEL. There is no trade union affiliation but an informal staff association (Old Persons' Network) operates.

Applicants should be 30-35, fit, fertile, with own teeth and extended family network. Non- smoker preferred.

(D. A. Prince) Most jobs let you exploit your talents. This one lets you exploit an entire country! If you want a job with Prospekts, apply today for the post of Tsar of All the Russias. CVs should be sent to The Winter Palace, New St Petersburg.

The successful candidate will wield absolute power. This includes responsibility for all aspects of the Empire's electricity generation capacity. Under no circumstances will His Impe- rial Majesty's advisors (formerly the Politburo) encroach upon this area of the royal prerogative. As the post is hereditary, applicants should be fast breeders.

Mother Russia is an equal opportunity em- ployer, and those who say otherwise are lying Zionist agents of anti-imperialism. We therefore welcome applications from the disabled, and particularly from haemophiliacs.

(Chris Smith)