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PURE HIGHLAND MALT

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COMPETITION

// PURE HIGHLAND MALT

SCOTCH .111.”

Not Kipling's If

Jaspistos

In Competition No. 1731 you were in- vited to write a poem beginning, 'If only I should die', later amended to 'If I should die', since Jaspistos, or a gremlin, got the beginning of the Rupert Brooke sonnet wrong.

No matter, although a lot of competitors tried to make hay out of the error, not successfully except in the case of James Logan. I allowed either beginning, but, as it turned out, the prizewinners all used the correct version.

I should have got it right (I confess now), not just because of Brooke, but because of a bank manager who was once on the verge of persuading me to make my will with the NatWest. Irritated by his spiel, I tried to

cut him short. 'If I should die, Mr Prince' (they usually have these royal names), '1 . . .' Here he cut me even shorter, putting his hands in the 'steeple' position, rare since Dickens's day. 'Ft is not a question. Mr Jaspistos, of if you die, but of when you die.' I left intestate.

An enjoyable competition with a huge entry. Thank you. Philip Dacre, Monica G. Ribon, D. B. Jenkinson and J. C. M. Hepple came very close. The prizewinners,

printed below, get £20 each, and the bonus bottle of Aberlour Single Malt whisky goes to Jon Smith.

If I should die, you'll find a sort of will Behind the clock (I know you made me vow To make a proper one in time, but still I'm sure you'll get it sorted out somehow).

I've left all I possess, of course, to you Well, almost all (you won't begrudge the kids Their share, and there's another thou or two For each of Sam's and Pam's and Beth's and Syd's).

The rest is yours — except that Cousin May Must get the furniture (you know she swears Gran promised it would all he hers one day, Though Jean and Sue will fight about the chairs).

You get what's left — all but the books, that is: Young Mark gets those (I'm sure I mentioned that).

And Dan loves paintings, so I've said they're his.

You won't mind if Melissa takes the cat?

(Jon Smith) If I should die before you reach the end Of your account of how you won the war, Don't waste your sympathy on me, my friend. I've heard the tale three hundred times before. Don't let my rigid posture stem your flow; Don't be deflected by my glassy stare; Take both for rapt attention; on you go; As if my stiff cadaver were not there!

If I should die before you say 'My shout!'

And go at last to buy your round of drinks, As from the dusty banknotes moths fly out, And in the light the monarch's image blinks, And as astounded drinkers let you pass, Please don't forget that mine's a double gin.

In death, alas, I cannot raise my glass, But I'll bequeath it to my next of kin.

(Keith Norman) If I should die, despite my strict regime - Elimination of all fats and cream, The absolute avoidance of red meat, The added bran on everything I eat, The single glass of wine a day I drink, The weekly sessions with my private shrink, The daily workout on my multi-gym, The yoga sessions and the lunchtime swim - If I should die, I say, despite this list (For accidents can never be dismissed), The following measures are to be effected: The lower neck should quickly be transected, The head removed, and sent within the day

TO LAST TRUMP CRYOGENICS Of LA,

To link, when Resurrec-Tech's better known, With some more rot-proof frame than flesh and bone. (Noel Petty) If I should die in less than seven years From when I last made gifts from my estate, Bereaved relations would be full of tears That I had not outlived the crucial date!

Gifts inter vivos (jargon lawyers use) ' Promote an interest in my state of health. It is the most important family news For those with recent hand-outs from my wealth.

I'm bald and toothless, and at times I drool, But still I feel the instinct to survive. With timely gifts I've found the fiscal rule Ensures that someone wants me kept alive.

If death should come there's something to be said For getting a new freezer, where I'd stay Until I could be certified as dead Without there being lots more tax to pay.

(F. D. Gardiner)