COMPETITION
Clichés from the box
Jaspistos
IN Competition No. 1509 you were invited to provide an extract from a sport- ing commentary rich in clichés. This was, I acknowledge, a male- orientated competition. In fact, excusing myself on the grounds of work while someone else did the shopping, I watched the England-Wales rugby international last Saturday in order to keep abreast. I wasn't disappointed. It took place in 'the cauldron of Twickenham'. 'The man-mountain', 'the pride of Ebbw Vale' and the Blackpool tower' were three of the dramatis perso- nae. There was the usual periphrastic coyness (`his receding, shall we say, hair- line') and the obsessional and irrelevant interest in age (`he will be 26 years old next week'). Afterwards I looked at the other game, trusting that Bill Maclaren would come through unscathed. But no: 'That was one he could have kicked with his eyes shut, although he did keep them open.' Or is that 'pawky' Scots humour? It was a fine entry, including a single- sentence one: 'I think, in fact I'm almost certain, that Jones is trying to score a goal.' Julian Bharier, David Masters and J. Beales shot well, but the goal-scorers below get a £12 bonus each, and the super-bonus, a bottle of Hugel Riesling Reserve 1983, presented by our 'well- wisher in the Far East', goes to V. Ernest Cox.
Petrakev leads in front with the rest just coming into view nowhere in sight some forty metres behind. This man is dumbfounding the clock and still running inside himself. If he keeps this up, which he can't, it'll be the best performance by a Russian, at Gates- head, so early in the season, at an invitation meeting. And he's kicked again and he's literally flying. You can tear up the record books, he's going to smash the 800 metres by a mile. The crowd's going mad. He crosses the line — now — and runs into tomorrow's history books. What an unbelievable run by the big Russian from Georgia. In years to come this will be like the day Kennedy was shot. Everyone will remember exactly where they were when it happened — which is here. And the plucky little Englishman is finishing now in a creditable last place.
(V. Ernest Cox) Well, it's still anyone's game here. Both sides have gone out looking for a result, and though at this moment in time City are asking all the questions the score-sheet's still blank. I think, Jimmy, you could say it's been a good, competitive game, plenty of robust tackling but nothing over the top, and the referee's letting the game flow, so far the book's stayed in his pocket. Incidentally, it's ironic that City's number five is the brother of the United goalkeeper in this same fixture just five years ago. My word, that was a near thing: they were queueing up for a free header at the near post and the keeper went down in instalments. There are those who say he's a bit of a Dracula, hates crosses. Anyway, he's giving his back four some mouth as United press forward again. There's no doubt that they're keen to score, and — well, gosh, he'll be kicking himself for missing that one, he really should have done better. And that's the final whistle. It's all over. No. goals, but I'm sure you'll agree, a thoroughly entertaining match.
(Basil Ransome-Davies) That horrible lie really is the moment of truth for him, to coin a slightly two-edged paradigm. This is where, hopefully, he musn't be expecting too much. He's some- how got to mine that rich seam of grit that we all know he's got on his shoulders in order to graft an escape route out of nowhere. Psychology is all-important here. A Freudian slip is all too easy from an awkward stance like that. Resolution is what it's all about, so he doesn't want to make up his mind about the club too quickly. If he pulls it off he can still save par, but otherwise a six or a seven is the bottom line that's staring him in the face; and the difference between those two is a million miles. (Jonathan Sleigh) 'Virginia, the Swede's a determined young gel, isn't she?'
'Oh yes, Dan, determination is definitely the order of the day where Gudrun's concerned, no doubt about that at all. She's a player who quite clearly wants to win this match.'
`I don't think I've seen such gloriously plucky play since Mrs Snaith played Miss Cadwaller in the 1933 semis — and that's certainly going back a few years. Virginia, what's going through the Swede's mind now?' `Well, Dan, she knows she's got a fight on her hands, that's for sure. But she's got everything to play for, and at the end of the day all she's got to do is get that ball back over the net. But don't let's underestimate Chrissie, Dan.'
`No indeed. Mrs Lloyd's played some mag- nificent tennis today, magnificent. Take that double back-hand short cross-court volley. Quite magnificent.'
`Well, Chrissie's certainly got a fight on her hands this time, Dan.'
`Yes indeed.' (Felix Stowe)
And at the bell Upjohn takes another yard off Downsir — he really is motoring this boy — this is great stuff — he's showing us the stuff of greatness — and incidentally stuffing the opposition — and as he goes into the back straight he's literally crucifying the rest of the field — it's pure piston-power — those two long legs of his are giving the two fingers to those who think he wasn't fit enough for Frankfurt in no uncertain fashion — oh, but this is incredulous — he's taken another five yards off the field — he's absolutely pulveris- ing them — having them for breakfast — and as he rounds into the final straight this boy is literally writing his passport for Korea and singing 'Seoul, Here I Come' — this is a performance with guts written all over it and as he crosses the line he's already throwing up his hands to clutch that Olympic
Gold. (Martin Fagg) I suspect that both teams will be trying to get a result. Let's hope that the result is meaningful and reflects the balance of opportunities created. Of course, it all de- pends upon the best utilisation of offensive space, the consolidation of really critical work-rates, the stamping of their characters on the game by the midfield generals, and the translation of marginal chances into viable goal-achieving propositions.
Dogsbody Rangers, reputed to be a robust combination, don't take too many prisoners, while Catspaws United have all the skills, the essential choreography to slide into appropriate positions and so generate a more credible ratio of strike options to abortive runs.
Catspaws must create corridors supporting forward thrusts and not disappear into Dogs- body's defensive black holes. Dogsbody must comprehend that the kinetics of an optimum strategy must relate to tactical, rapid ball-transits with pressure on the Cats- paws box. Let's have an honest game of
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