A prize of 15 was offered for a fragment of

dialogue from a `modern Baedeker's Manual of Conversation, dealing with a travelling contretemps.

I had in mind no more than a motor-coach crossing the Alps ; but the imagination and ingenuity of the competitors have ranged much further afield ; for the vehicles concerned varied from every species of car, via airlines and British Railways to a racing- motorist, space-travel, a canoe on the Amazon and a camel in the desert, and, strangest of all, the man in charge of a boat following a Channel swimmer (unfortunately he mistakes a porpoise for the man under his care).

Some were exceedingly up to date ; e.g., the dialogue: " Why does the train not stop at the frontier ? " " Because the engine-driver and some of the passengers do not wish to, Sir." Petrol-coupons were not forgotten, and, above all, the British Health Service was much to the fore. It mostly concerned dentures. In fact H. A. C. Evans's dialogue was wholly devoted to this theme: " ' My aunt has lost her dentures and they are lying on the road about three hundred yards back.' But that is incredible, madam. "My aunt is incredible. . . But we are already late according to the schedule, madam ; could not your aunt procure gratuitously another set of dentures from your National Health Service ? ' " W. I. D. Scott's passenger was in a bad way: " I feel unwell all over. I desire that you prescribe a febrifuge, a tonic, a sleeping- draught, an aperient ; also some lint, bandages and cotton wool, dentures, spectacles, a wig. Will all these be free ? "

The plight of the recent travellers to the Berlin rally is recalled in the following: " We are carrying copies of Truth and our Free- dom Party membership and Peace Fighter cards. We shall infallibly be arrested and shot as dangerous enemies " (H. Morcom Taylor). But would the staid Baedeker contemplate such adventurous possibilities ? Again, the request " I am a Protestant—I want to go to a Protestant hospital " suggests a guide of 1851 rather than of today.

L E. Tanner dodged the problem very neatly. He wrote " Do you suppose that the locomotive has left the rails ? " adding only a note am assured that -this really appeared in a Spanish Conversation Manual. Obviously no further conversation is possible." I recommend the equal division of the prize between R. J. P. Hewison, Frances Collingwood and R. Kennard Davis. Com- mended are Harold S. Tribe, M. K. Winslow and M. A. Webster.

PRIZES (R. J. P. HEwisoN1 "The ship, kite, crate is hurtling through the stratosphere, space, ether."

"She, it is out of gas, control, order." "Summon the Captain to explain the situation, himself." " He is on the port fin, repairing the flaming rockets."

" Bravo! He has courage, a nerve, a cheek." " Milords, ladies, gentlemen, all is under controL" " Your hands are dirty. You are oiled. Do not contaminate my nylon gown." "There is no danger: a slight deviation merely. Be calm, I beg." "The earth, moon, Mars recedes, approaches rapidly. We are lost." "Is there a psychiatrist in the ship? A lady, woman, passenger has

hysterics, a fit, thek airsickness."

" There is no cognac, but here are sweetmeats, gum, coca-cola." "We are about to prang: adjust your safety-belts, space-helmets."

" I have no parachute. Pray, madam, accept of mine.' "The air is refreshing: after the confinement of the cabin I shall enjoy a bath."

(FRANCES COLLINOWOOD) "Pilot, stop: we wish to turn back: there is no champagne as advertised: my cousin-by-marriage has left her passport at the airport: the safety-belt will not meet round my mother-in-law, who is fat: 1 desire the smelling-salts which are in the suitcase which has been placed in the hold!"

This airline is nationalised: you have nothing to fear."

" But the flight is very'bumpy, and the clouds are too thick for vision." " If you will fill in the forms you have been handed the time will pass gladly."

" But I do:11ot know how long I stay, or who is escorting me to my hotel: I forget my passport number: I will not tell the year in which I was born!"

" We have hit a seagull: we must descend at once: fasten ybur life- belts: prepare for immersion!"

(R. KENNARD DAVIS) " Dragoman, my camel is sick. She makes strange noises. She stumbles, she kneels down. I think she will die. Where is the nearest oasis, please?"

" Be not afraid. By the mercy of Allah, perhaps we have not lost the way."

" There is sand. It is in my eyes, my ears, my nose. Have you some beer, wine, whisky, soda-water, limonade? I wish to drink, I have headache, sunstroke, migraine. I feel sick. Is that a sea, lake, pool ? Are those palm-trees ? ' " No, by Allah, it is a mirage. There are many mirages in the Sahara. Also, there are no palm-trees."

"Dragoman, is that a rock?"

"No. it is a heap of bones."