YOUR PROBLEMS SOLVED
Dear Mary.. .
Q. Each year my husband demands that I buy him a new 'toy' for his Christmas pre- sent. In previous years, my purchases have included computers, mountain bikes, pasta machines, rowing machines and multigyms, yet shortly after these presents are unpacked, and following a brief display of enthusiasm and interest, they are left unused to block up the passageways of our house. What should I do this year?
KL., Weyhill A. Why not club together with local friends and arrange a sort of upmarket car-boot sale to take place on or about 20 January? There, discarded adult Christmas presents can be auctioned off or redistributed possibly with some financial profit going to yourself or to charity. Everyone involved should give their husbands or wives a verbal warning as they hand over their presents on Christmas Day: 'This present will be repos- sessed on 20 January if it has not seen active service.' A leaflet advertising your sale should be included with the present.
Q. I am going to stay with relations of my husband's for Christmas. The problem is
that my husband has got into the habit of using the 1' word as an adjective. He has picked this up from friends in racing circles in which we have been spending an increas- ing amount of time this year. 'Pass me the f—ing newspaper, would you, darling?' I'm just going to have a quick f—ing bath.' `What time will we be f—ing arriving at?' etc. He is almost unaware that he is doing it. I am worried that my in-laws may think that this new habit is something that I have introduced him to or even that I condone it. Yet how can I curb his tongue over the Christmas period without being a complete bore and saying, 'Darling! Stop swearing!' after each sentence he utters?
S.M. Tisbury, Wilts A. Tell your husband, in front of his rela- tions, that you are going to start fining him fl for each expletive uttered over the Christmas period. The money can go to the Injured Jockeys Fund. Then, each time he swears in front of you, you can cry 'Ding!' and follow it with a girlish and pleasant laugh. Explain that 'Ding!' is meant to rep- resent the sound of a coin tinkling into a tin bucket. The huge irritation you will cause him by saying 'Ding!' after virtually every sentence he speaks will no doubt bring him swiftly to his senses.
Q. Can you recommend a new kitchen gad- get as a Christmas present for a friend who loves cooking but seems already to have everything? Is there anything new on the market?
R.R., London W11 A. Yes. Why not buy a pair of snorkling goggles for your friend? He or she can use them while chopping onions, to minimise the flowing streams of tears which afflict many cooks during this process.
Mary Killen
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